Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
By Dan and Mari Greenwood
Understanding Temperament Differences
Being aware of the great variety of personality differences that exist can help our awareness and understanding of how we and our spouses, offspring and in-laws relate to other people.
However it can take a long time to know what these differences are. If we are not carefully aware, or if we do not have the opportunity to get to know our young in-laws well, understanding comes slowly.
When we do gain some insights, our aim is to accept that people are different from one another, then work to enable the best characteristics of each person to enhance relationships.
In the world of work personality assessment programmes have been devised and some of the main strands of knowledge from these can be usefully noted and used.
POINT TO PONDER - ‘They’re not like us’
Families are different and individuals within families are different.
We are fortunate if we accept this early in life and if we can learn to admire the best in the ‘different-ness’ we encounter in other people.
But when an individual believes that ‘different from us’ or ‘different from me’ is unacceptable, the scene is set for disappointment, frustration and heartache.
POINT TO PONDER - What is being added to our family life at this time?
Most people ‘marrying into a family’ bring to that family some new and unique interests, qualities, attitudes and ideas that can enrich the family.
It is important not to miss or bypass these.
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Some assessments bring out peoples’ main characteristics, which can be used positively or negatively. These are based on our inner inclinations, which will usually influence a person’s choices and behaviour patterns.
The characteristics can have considerable bearing on making arrangements within a family and the way in which people behave in contact with each other, face to face or on the telephone.
You may notice that we have these desires in different amounts, which vary in each person, and even from one time to another, as part of our current everyday being. However with new family members the impact of any of these in an extreme form can cause difficulties. And extremes may only occur occasionally, perhaps for some hidden reason.
Frequently seeking to include others,
or alternatively, usually preferring to proceed alone.
Generally wanting to be included,
or alternatively, preferring to be left alone.
Wanting to be in control,
or preferring others to take responsibility by being in control.
This may vary at different times and in different contexts
(e.g. work, home, social occasions, family events)
Tending to be naturally open and affectionate, or alternatively
a general habit of being more separate and cool.
This may vary according to what else is going on in an individual’s life at the time.
Longing to receive ‘closeness’ and affection, or alternatively
a great need to be given ‘personal space.
This is also something that may change with varying circumstances.
On the next pages we move on to other ways of understanding how very different we all are.