Becoming a Parent-in-law - a life transition
By Dan and Mari Greenwood
Getting To Know Ourselves
The marriage of our children draws our attention to our own age and stage of life. The present situation may trigger some walks down ‘memory lane’. Approaching their wedding day we may find that we have a picture gallery of good memories and some keen regrets.
Some parents-in-law may be asking themselves: ‘What Next?
or ‘Who am I in this new situation’?
If there are difficult feelings, who will we share them with?
|
POINT TO PONDER – Where do we expect to find our own security and sense of purpose?
As the young peoples’ present and future look very rosy, we may become acutely aware of disappointments in our own lives. It is important for us to understand where we seek our own security and sense of purpose in life, so that we are not emotionally dependent on them, and not asking for inappropriate amounts of their time and attention.
|
Heart To Heart Talking
If the new members of the family are interested in us we may have opportunity to share our hearts with them. However, they may not be interested, and this can be hard to come to terms with. (It is of course possible that what seems like disinterest may be lack of confidence in a new situation, or feeling overwhelmed by their own parental family)
If given opportunities to talk openly, we may gradually be able to:
- describe ‘life now’ as we are currently experiencing it
- tell them parts of our life story
- share hopes and dreams
- share needs for support and encouragement
- ask for advice or practical help
|
POINT TO PONDER – If they are genuinely interested in us
The way we talk about our lives will depend on how we view it ourselves: as a tragedy, as a comedy, as a drama in which we are the principle characters around whom life revolves, or as an adventure in which we enjoy collaborating with other people.
Our attitude to our own story may indicate to others how we will view their involvement in our lives, and give clues to our basic attitudes to people.
|
|
POINT TO PONDER – If they do not seem interested in us
Empathy and understanding from the younger couple give parents freedom to talk at a personal level, but some young people are less well equipped for this than others. So through no fault of our own we may not have yet been able to get to know and be known by a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Facing this reality, and deciding to change what can be changed and accept what cannot be changed at present, is a very real task.
Seeing the circumstances realistically and setting aside any unrealistic goals we have for the present time may be something we need help with. Do seek help if you need it.
|
‘Icebreakers’
Some ideas for finding mutually enjoyable activities which are not too time-consuming
Do something they like doing -
- Go out for a drink you’d usually have at home, and together sit and watch the world go by
- Get a take-away
- Make a big salad or pancakes together, something that’s fun and easy
- Go to a movie or share a video
- Chat about favourite places
- Share a non-demanding game that doesn’t take ages
