Marriage Education: what do we know? What should we do about it?
By Harry Benson
Addressing stability and satisfaction
A simplified working summary of research findings thus might look something like this:
- "Stability” depends largely on the negative aspects of family background and the extent to which couples handle their differences negatively.
(- “Satisfaction” depends largely on the positive aspects of family background and the extent to which couples handle their differences positively.
This is of course only a simplified model about the respective roles of positive and negative factors. Although it holds true in general, there is some overlap. For example, a study by John Gottman shows how negative factors predict divorce in the early years of marriage. But in later years, the absence of positive factors is the better predictor as it “eventually takes its toll” (6).
Positives and negatives
An obvious question now arises as to whether a course that concentrates on the building of new positive skills, raising levels of “satisfaction”, will also be effective at reducing the existing negative patterns of behaviour that influence “stability”.
In some cases, this is clearly not possible. It is not the positive that is important. It is the absence of the negative. For example, having divorced parents (negative) predicts a greater risk of instability. Having married parents (positive) predicts nothing. Likewise, a low level of commitment (negative) predicts greater risk of instability. A high level of commitment (positive) predicts nothing.
Yet some positive and negative factors do appear to overlap. Those couples who communicate poorly, for example, are more likely to be unstable. Those couples who communicate well are more likely to be satisfied. Much the same applies to the handling of disagreements. Educators might therefore assume that teaching positive communication & conflict resolution skills should have the twin benefits of both increasing satisfaction and reducing instability.
But this assumption is risky. The negative factors in question represent “old automatic” patterns of behaviour. These are subtle, persistent, natural interactions that may have been learnt and repeated – perhaps subconsciously – by a couple over months or years. When a new more positive interactive skill is learnt – such as active listening – the “new artificial” skill may be used consciously to good effect. With time and practice, the new skill may even become more automatic and subconscious.
Yet researchers contest this issue vigorously. For example, many programmes apply “active listening” skills as their central theme. Gottman and others dismiss such skills as rarely used in everyday life, predictive of nothing, ineffective in outcome studies, and hard to use when needed – i.e. when angry, tired or upset (7).
Therefore we should be very cautious in assuming that teaching positive skills & satisfaction will have a corresponding impact by default on negative factors & stability. Positives and negatives are separate factors that may or may not be related.
The “myth” of marital happiness
The key distinction between stability and satisfaction is further complicated in everyday life because of a widespread belief that happy couples do stay together (8). In addition almost all couples, when asked, rate their own marriage in terms of their ability to communicate. It turns out that happiness and communication are virtually inseparable in research studies (9).
A natural conclusion from these beliefs is that strengthening marriages can be achieved almost entirely through learning positive communication skills. Whilst this is undoubtedly important for improving marital satisfaction, it does not necessarily address the issue of stability.
We can now look at the existing field of marriage education aware of two possible caveats.
- Teaching mostly positive skills will not necessarily reduce the negative automatic behaviours that predict stability.
- Teaching mostly communication skills will also not necessarily reduce the negative automatic behaviours that predict stability.
