I used to struggle with the strong sweeps of emotion that rocked me as a young adult. I worried about what people thought of me when I was moody. When I was angry, I felt uncomfortable, ashamed and guilty. I didn't like myself when I was angry and pushed my husband away or grumped at him and blamed him for how I was feeling. The feelings seemed to be in charge and not me.
Then someone told me that my feelings were simply signs of what was going on inside me, how I was reacting to events and people round about. I began to realise that it was how I acted that was right or wrong and not the feelings that were there. Behind the feelings were judgements: He hurt me. She was mean. I'm not in control of this situation. I can't have my own way. I don't like being in this situation. I don't want to listen to that person. I'll never forgive them.
Gradually I began to own and admit the feelings I had that I didn't like, to tell my husband that I was feeling angry or irritated and even to tell him the judgements behind those feelings, trying to be honest and generous in my understanding of the situation that had arisen. It even offered the chance for us to share the expectations we had in the situation. Another challenge came when he shared negative feelings he had and I had to learn to let him have those feelings, even to try and understand what it must feel like for him at times like that.
By letting our feelings be acknowledged, by trying to understand what the other was feeling, we began to learn so much more about each other. The gentle acceptance of who we were, feelings and all, drew us close, another barrier, kept in place for fear we would be rejected, had come down.
Are you able to listen and accept how your loved one is feeling? What are you afraid of that is stopping you?
Tip by Kate
Related Topics
