Learning to Trust Again
By Kate
When things go wrong.
We all long for someone who has chosen us, who respects, honours and cares for us, someone with whom we can be real, who accepts us for who we are and will stand by us through anything. We may live for years believing we know our partner and that they would never let us down. It can come as a huge shock when we find we have been deceived. Sometimes affairs arise through weakness and temptation. Someone attracts our partner and they don't recognise what's happening until they are already entangled. Another way is when one of us becomes dissatisfied with our relationship and looks for fulfilment, understanding or comfort elsewhere.
So what happens when we begin to suspect they have let us down? Doubts begin to creep in - do we really know them? Have they changed? Have we been taken in, deceived, taken for granted? Anger and fear can sweep in as we suddenly become aware of our deep insecurities and need for love. The foundations of our relationship are shaking and we don't know how to voice our concerns or what to do.
We may come face to face with clear evidence that our partner has been deceiving us. Shock, disbelief, dismay, anger may boil over. Typical reactions are the desire to confront, to hit out physically or verbally and punish the one who has hurt us. We may want to push them away and retreat to a safe distance to nurse our pain. Our life has shattered and our dreams lie in dust at our feet. How can we go on? Is there any hope?
What is worse, distrust seems to breed distrust. When we don't trust our loved one, then we will probably check up on them, read their mail, listen to their phone messages, check their bags or pockets. We want to reassure ourselves that we are not being taken for a ride, or confirm our suspicions that we are. We may feel torn between the urgent "need to know" and the fear of what we will find.
Put yourself in your partner's place. How would you feel to know that your pockets were being checked, your messages listened to? It can leave a person feeling vulnerable, undervalued and angry even if they admit they have earned it. It can reinforce judgements that things aren't going well in the marriage, that perhaps they were in some way right to look for comfort elsewhere. They may feel morally justified to criticise you for snooping. They begin to hide things, even innocent ones, for fear they might irritate or be misconstrued and further barriers of mistrust are raised between you. A vicious circle spiralling down into further hurt and mistrust develops. It is so easy to sweep things under the carpet, to avoid the pain and hope it will go away, but this only allows the vicious circle to continue.
