Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


In association with:

Marriage books and much more from Amazon.co.uk

Celebrate your marriage with flowers!

Set up your Wedding Registry!

Marriage and divorce advice from justask.org.uk

Take our Demographic survey

Family Friendly Site

   Home  > Marriage Clinic > Infidelity and Affairs > Articles

Affairs

By Blaine Powell

How Affairs Develop

Despite powerful social and religious standards in opposition to affairs, many people are having them. In fact, there are as many reasons given for affairs as there are people engaging in them. Some reasons include:

  • dissatisfaction with the marital relationship,
  • emotional emptiness,
  • need for sexual variety,
  • inability to resist new sexual opportunity,
  • anger at a partner,
  • no longer being "in love",
  • alcohol or drug addiction,
  • growing apart,
  • change in health status of a partner,
  • desire to get a partner jealous,
  • sexually incompatible,
  • "get back" at a partner who had an affair, and
  • a belief that monogamy isn't natural.
  • ,

Despite the reason given for engaging in an affair, nearly all affairs, seem to follow a specific pattern (Karpel, 1994; Spring, 1997; Vaughn, 1998). Here are four possible stages:

Stage One - Emotional Connection: Sometimes referred to as the "getting to know you" stage. This is the innocent prelude during which an emotional connection is formed. Activities at this stage may include going for coffee breaks at work; getting to know the other person on a personal level; and sometimes providing emotional support. In almost all situations, a flirtatious spark is there! This is also the beginning of what is called triangulation (Guerin et al., 1987).

Stage Two - Secrecy: This new relationship is kept a secret. Spouses and friends are rarely told about the relationship because of the emotional attraction. Once a decision is made to keep it a secret, a boundary has been crossed and it is no longer a friendship, or collegial relationship. Fantasies about the other person are common at this point. Secrets and fantasies are very powerful and add fuel the fire! Layton-Tholl (1998) says people who keep the relationship a secret report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with non-secret relationships.

Stage Three - The Dating Phase: Although the couple may believe they are just good friends, excuses are used to see each other. Meetings increase in frequency and they become purposeful, planned, and regular. Lunch, tennis, walks, long talks, working-out, etc. become regular activities. The couple tend to become more vigilant of comments or gestures that may draw suspicion. People close to either person might even make comments. Denial is ever present as this is "just a colleague or good friend".

Stage Four - Sex!: At this point an intense sexual and emotional relationship is started. There are feelings of excitement that come with a new relationship along with feeling of guilt about the marriage. Keeping the secret becomes harder and in fact others have probably noticed "something different".

Introduction

Types of Affairs


In this article
- Introduction
- How Affairs Develop
- Types of Affairs
- What Causes Affairs?
- When the Affair Ends
- What Might it Take For The Primary Relationship To Survive?
- Three Stages of Healing
- References

Bookmark and Share
Printer Friendly
More From this author

Related
- Managed Separation
- 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From the Affair and Stop it NOW!
- Affairs
- Learning to Trust Again
- Forgiveness - one of the keys to a healthy marriage

Hot Picks
- 6th National Relationship Education Conference
-
- Take the Couple Check-up!
- Marriage first aid
-
- Marriage help for friends
- Deepen your love & marriage

Discuss
- Marriage Help
- Marriage news from around the world
- Coffee Shop Chat - have some fun!!
- Marriage Problems - ask for help!
- Visit the Index

Copyright © 2001, Walmsley and Associates. Article by Blaine Powel, Family Therapist, Walmsley and Associates, 270 - 444 Victoria Street, Prince George, BC, V2L 2J3


 2-in-2-1 Today
Take our Couple Checkup - put your relationship on strong foundations by checking out the strengths and growth areas!
Difficulties communicating? - 55 cards to improve your couple communication
What people say about 2-in-2-1 - we thrive on your feedback!
Couples Wanted!! - for TV and press enquiries - tell your story!
Cyber sex and Internet addiction - is the internet threatening your marriage??

Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Privacy Statement