Anger in marriage

By Kate

Handling Anger

What do we do if we discover anger has taken a hold of us? Admitting that the anger is there is a good start.

We all have different ways of handling anger that we've learnt as we grew up. Some of us can't handle it, we let it pour out of us like molten metal, burning everything in range.

We may hold it in, smolder and become more and more resentful, or we may boil over quickly and it's all gone.

The trouble is if we boil over, the damage may be done before we've calmed down. Words can be said that cannot be easily forgotten.

Anger often makes us lose sight of others’ needs totally and focus only on our own hurt. It's amazing what a keen sense of justice and injustice we have when we're the injured party.

Perhaps something between the two is better. If we can hold on to our angry words long enough to think rationally about things, then we may manage to make some decisions about what to do with our anger. Anger can be expressed calmly. It can be expressed in a way that doesn't seek to destroy another person. It can be used to push us into sorting a problem out with someone else rather than just brushing it under the carpet. Ross-Campbells' book, How to Really Love Your Teenager has a really good section on handling anger, which is good for adult relationships as well as parenting.

The hurt behind the anger may be very real. We may need to talk about it, either with our partner or with someone we can trust. If you talk with your partner, try and remember they may not have intended hurting you and may regret it.

Forgiveness is an important step - making a decision not to demand revenge. It's hard to do this if we have a sense that someone is "getting away with something". We may need to remember some of our own past mistakes and what it meant to us to be forgiven. It takes a lot of courage to face up to mistakes and to own up to them. One never knows what reception one may get. Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

We may need to say sorry to our loved one for holding onto the anger and being unforgiving. It may also help to recognise how we were hurt. Perhaps we were expecting too much of our partner; perhaps we were too easily offended or too sensitive.

Some good advice I've heard at a wedding was never to let the sun go down on a quarrel or anger. It is always possible to start the healing process by saying sorry for hurtful words. A good nights sleep and time to reflect may bring some wisdom on how to sort things out further. Using conflict constructively to sort out problems and resolve issues can really strengthen a relationship.

At the end of the day what is more important - your relationship or giving vent to your anger and sense of being wronged?