Strangers in Many Ways, "Communication in Marriage". Part 8

By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families

Letting Go of Secrets

1. In courtship. Courtship is a time when we are getting acquainted with each other. In a healthy courtship, the two partners gradually reveal a little more of themselves to each other as the relationship continues. It is only as they begin to understand some of the potentially threatening aspects of their relationship that the decision to marry is made. It is unrealistic to expect a marriage to be formed without the revelation of some negative secrets.

2. In marriage. Most of the time, all the secrets do not come out in courtship. In marriage, it should be our goal to become more transparent. Dr. Willard Harley recommends total honesty. "Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know, your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future." ("The Rules of Honesty for a Successful Marriage." by Willard Harley.)

   It is important to work on revealing secrets because "whatever remains is a hidden cavity that threatens the structural soundness of the marriage."

   In Paul Tournier's book, Escape from Loneliness, he wrote, "Such a step seemed impossible to me. I felt I would lose her confidence. It is one thing to speak on the level of ideas, and it is an altogether different thing to speak of one's soul. When I took this step, my wife answered me, 'Now I can be of some help to you!' And she opened up to me in return. We had found the meaning of fellowship."

3. Timing is everything. Most of us will find that self-disclosure is an ongoing process that may take a lifetime to complete. It is probably unrealistic to think that we are going to be able to totally reveal ourselves in one session of secret sharing. It is important to take advantage of those special moments when the sharing opportunity is at its optimum. How do you decide when to share secrets and when to keep the door to the treasury of secrets locked? "It is important to distinguish between secrets revealed in the course of every day life and secrets revealed in the context of an established trusting, effective therapeutic alliance." (Breechen and Faulkner. Marriage Seminar). At the most basic level, our secrets involve not just situations and experiences but the thoughts and feelings that surround those experiences and make us who we are.

1. It is not enough to verbalize secrets.

2. If you want your spouse to "open up" more, you must create a climate in which the spouse understands that it is safe to open those doors that have long been shut, locked and diligently guarded.

3. You must regard your partner's secrets as equal in value and sensitivity as your own.

4. If your partner should reveal a secret to you, it should remain a secret between the two of you.

5. Learn from negative experiences.

6. Don't share too much too soon.

7. Remember that a secret is often felt before it is known.

8. Understand that expressing feelings is not the same thing as expressing opinions.

9. Practice tactful self-disclosure.

10. Stay away from the extreme of refusing to share any kind of potentially threatening information on the one hand and the "regurgitation theory of honesty" on the other hand.

"The process of bonding between husband and wife as they let each other in on their secrets is a participation in the very nature and purposes of God. In a future day we shall know even as we are known by God (1 Corinthians 13:12). In this life, we can begin to experience the freedom of stepping out from behind our relationships with others and particularly with our mate. In marriage, we have an opportunity as in no other relationship to begin revealing the mystery of who we are." (Truman Esau. p. 110).

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