Feelings
By Kate
Where do feelings come from?
All of us want to be loved or valued or appreciated or allowed to make our own decisions. These desires reflect the basic emotional needs we were born with.
They can generally be summed up by:
- the need to love and be loved,
- the need for worth or value,
- the need for autonomy, that is freedom to make our own decisions,
- the need for significance, to know that we make a difference in the world.
We have lots of other needs which can be expressed in other ways such as the need to be chosen, to be respected, to be understood, etc.
The value of these needs is that they draw us into relationship - it is very difficult to find fulfilment for these needs in isolation, although careers, hobbies and such things can go some way towards meeting them.
Often we are not consciously aware of these needs until they are not met. Negative feelings like anger, frustration, sadness often arise when one or more of our deepest needs are not being met. For example, when we feel miserable or sad it may be a signal that we don't think we're loved or valued by others.
It is much harder to identify the needs behind positive feelings, such as happiness. To do that we need to know what is important to us. Perhaps we think success at work is very important to us, but if we look below the surface we may find that what really matters to us is that we have a sense that we have made a difference in this world, or that others value us. Our need for significance or value is being met.