Three Practical Tools for Improving Your Communication
By Harold & Bette Gillogy
Score your wants
The second suggestion is that you commit to honesty with one another by "scoring your wants." This is another practical communication skill which can help keep you out of the pit of misunderstanding. Much of the time, we do not tell our wife or husband what we really want or what we really feel because we do not know how to express our feelings or wants without hurting the other or without starting an argument. So what happens? We just don't express them. We expect our mates to somehow second guess us, and we try to second guess our mates. What are the results? The very thing we were trying to avoid in the first place — misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
"Scoring your wants" won't solve all your problems, but it will help you be honest with one another in an agreeable and loving way.
Here is how it DOES NOT work. John and Cindy have planned a big evening out. John had an excruciatingly hard day, but he does not want to disappoint Cindy and he doesn't want her to get angry with him. So when he comes home from work, he hides his headache behind a brave smile and says, "Are you ready to go, Honey?" Meanwhile, at the homestead all day, the kids have been terrors, the garbage disposal broke and the dishwasher leaked all over the kitchen floor. Cindy does not want to spoil the evening for John and perhaps start an argument, so she says, "Sure thing. Let's go." You can guess how the evening progresses. Both are tired and on edge, and it's down-hill all the way.
What if John had said when he came home, "Ready, Darling? Or should we take our scores first?" Cindy is so relieved, "Oh, Honey, I'm afraid my score is about a 4. It's been a disastrous day." "Well," John sighs, "mine's probably a 2. Do you want to go tomorrow night instead?" Somehow, taking your "scores" draws the sting out of your honesty and actually affords you a way to speak your mind without being contentious. Even if John had scored a 9 and Cindy a 3, at least they would know where they stood, and could decide the best course of action from there. "Scoring our wants" might just give us a tool that will help us "speak the truth in love."
