Three Practical Tools for Improving Your Communication
By Harold & Bette Gillogy
Complete your communication
The first suggestion is that you commit to completing communication cycles with your Beloved. This involves three simple steps. Step #1: the sender states his or her message. Step #2: the receiver feeds back what he/she thinks he heard. And Step #3: the sender either confirms the feedback as true or corrects it if it is wrong. When this cycle is completed, there will be no misunderstanding. Sounds pretty elementary, huh? But do you know what? Hardly any of us do this.
Let's talk about how this works out in everyday life. First, let's look at the way we often communicate. Tim: "Your sister just called. She and Henry want to come over tonight." What's he really trying to say in code? Helen has no idea, so she says, "Oh, good. Do you want to play Trivial Pursuit?" He replies, "Yeah, O.K." They both have just practiced the oldest marriage game in the world called `I'm going to read your mind and react according to my assumptions.' As a result, they both (1) spend an evening doing what neither one wants to do but sacrificing what they really want because each thinks the other wants it. (You may have to read that again.) And (2) they each put another brick in the wall of misunderstanding being built between them.
Here's what that same scene would look like if they used a little skill and completed a true communication cycle. Tim: "Your sister just called. She and Henry want to come over tonight." Helen: "Am I reading your tone of voice right? It doesn't sound like you want them to come over tonight. Right?" (No malice in her voice.) "Well," he replies, "I really was looking forward to watching that play-off game tonight. But I didn't want to appear selfish. If you want to see your sister, I don't want to keep you from it." "O.K.," Helen says, "I know Henry likes basketball too. You guys could watch the game, and Sis and I could talk in the other room. How does that sound?" Whatever way they work it out, they need to do it by being open with one another without trying to read each other's minds. Can you identify the tool they used to help themselves be open to one another? That's right, they completed their communication cycle — "Is that what you mean?"
