Feelings

By Kate

Keeping our relationship emotionally healthy

One model I've come across for emotional needs describes each person as having a sort of emotional petrol tank. When we are loved and affirmed by those around us, then our tank is full and we can cope with setbacks, hurts and disappointments.

You can see that with small children. If you sit down and spend time with them, giving them your full attention, having eye contact, cuddling up, having fun, encouraging and praising them, they become more relaxed, less ratty, less demanding of attention. On the other hand, when they've been ignored for a while, or you've been short tempered with them and critical, the situation just seems to go from bad to worse. They have few emotional resources to draw on and they feel insecure and doubt they are loved and valued.

We too can get irritable and restless, if our husband or wife ignores us, doesn't listen or show any sign of affection or appreciation. Sometimes it's hard to put our finger on what is wrong, we may just feel generally out of sorts. A little time, attention and encouragement from the one we love can lift our spirits and help us cope with life.

What a different world this would be if more of us were committed to valuing and appreciating others - our spouses, children, parents, friends, colleagues. It doesn't actually cost much to give someone some love and attention, but it's like ripples in a pond. Our love enables others in their turn to value someone and our little gift spreads out far further than we realised.

There are a number of books that look at needs and emotions in marriage. Two of the best we've found are:

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley

Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb