|
The Games People Play, "Communication in Marriage". Part 9
By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families
What is submission all about?
Paul speaks of the wife's submission (Ephesians 5:22), and there is need for submission.
Why is there need for submission?
But submission of what? To whom? Under what circumstances?
It is significant that Paul introduced his comments on marriage by urging his readers to, "Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ." While the statement in verse 21 involved submission in all human relationships, surely it has application in the marriage relationship. Everything that follows is based on the premise that love for Christ would inspire husband and wife to selfless devotion to each other. Each is to submit to the other and yield his or her will to the interests of the other. Paul emphasizes mutual submission again in Philippians 2:1-4. The fact that Paul was not writing specifically about marriage serves only to underline the significance of these verses to marriage partners. If such attitudes and behavior are to characterize Christian relationships in general, how much more should they characterize marriage - potentially the most unified relationship of all?
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord"(Ephesians 5:22)--not "instead of 'to the Lord'." Submission does not mean surrendering your integrity, giving up your faith and violating what you believe to be true. Giving yourself to another is not the same as obliterating yourself and it is not subservience. Neither is it being mild and compliant on the surface while unobtrusively pulling strings to get your own way. Being helplessly dependent is not being properly submissive either.
So what does submission mean? According to Esau, "It means being open to the other mate's point of view as well as a willingness to offer your opinion for consideration. It means sensitivity to your partner's needs and a determination to meet them in healthy, constructive ways that will enhance, rather than violate, the sense of relationship between you. You also need to consider the other's interests as equal in value and importance to your own, but not denying your own."
Submission means trusting your mate's goodwill and ability to work through problems as you offer your own efforts to the problem-solving process. Also you must be willing to be open enough to say what you need and then trust your spouse to be concerned about those needs.
Above all, submission means being true to your own responsibility to the Lord, not abandoning your personality and convictions out of fear of conflict or disapproval. When you entrust yourself and your relationship to the Lord, maintaining your integrity and personhood, you are freed to truly give of the wealth that is you to your mate. (Excerpts from Making Marriage Work, Chapter 8, by Truman Esau).
One commentator made a very appropriate statement:
"To the wife it should be said that the form your submission takes will vary according to the quality of your husband's leadership. If the husband is a godly man who has a biblical vision for the family and leads out in the things of the Spirit, a godly wife will rejoice in this leadership and support him in it. You will be no more squelched by this leadership than the disciples were squelched by the leadership of Jesus."
Did you catch the first sentence and the emphasis upon the quality of the husband's leadership? It all goes back to trust. Trust is what motivates people to follow our leadership, whether at work or home. And, gentlemen, trust must be earned.
The mature man who practices biblical headship in the marriage relationship can be recognized by three characteristics:
- He loves his wife sacrificially. It is easy to measure physical size. Measuring sacrificial love is something else. We can measure the sacrificial love of Christ by looking to the cross. That has been the ultimate measurement of sacrifice for two thousand years. Can you as a husband top that? Wives seem to know intuitively that there is a correlation between service and sacrifice. It usually comes from little things that are performed with the right attitude. That is a lot easier than dying on a cross.
- He loves his wife with understanding. In 1 Peter 3:7, (NASB) Peter writes, "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way . . ." Peter knew that a woman who felt understood would have little difficulty in following the leadership of a husband who treated her in an understanding way.
- He loves his wife with verbal praise. The rest of verse 7 in 1Peter 3 says, "…grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." The word translated "honor" carries with it the idea of value. A loving, caring, Christ-like husband leads his wife in such a way that she will know how valuable she is to him. An action of praise and praising her to others is not the same as verbally praising her just so that she alone hears it. When was the last time you verbally expressed how much you appreciate her? You may not remember when, but I bet she does.
Hundreds of years ago, Martin Luther said, "Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave." That leaves no room for a power struggle and people who live like that certainly don't play power games.
Conclusion
A positive pattern of relating to one another must begin in courtship. The decisions a couple makes during courtship-what they will talk about and what they will do-set the tone for the marriage that follows. How do they arrive at those decisions? Who has the power? Do they grant power to each other, or does each work to ensure it for himself/herself? How will you define your physical relationship? Whose needs will be met? Whose standards will be observed? How much is too much? What is going to be right for both persons? Sadly, the decision is often made without a discussion and the precedent has lasting effects.
"In the final analysis, when you abandon personal responsibility in favor of complying unthinkingly with another's wishes, you ignore the fact that each of us will some day give an account to God (Romans 14:13). A wife will not be able to say to the Lord, 'He made me do it'; she will not be able to blame anyone else for her choices. She will have to stand before God and admit they were "my own choices." (Truman Esau. Making Marriage Work. p. 118)
For the next article in the series click here
For the previous article in the series click here
|
