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   Home  > Health Club > Building closeness and intimacy > Articles

The Games People Play, "Communication in Marriage". Part 9

By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families

Is there a "good" use of the word "power"?

  • Power is the ability to perform a function or to cause an effect. In Webster's New Unabridged Dictionary power is defined as
      "
    1. ) ability to do; capacity to act; capability of performing or producing;
    2. ) a specific ability or faculty;
    3. ) great ability to do, act, or affect strongly; vigor; force; strength;
    4. ) the ability to control others; authority; sway; influence."

It becomes negative when it is taken to mean one person exercising control over another-and at the expense of the other. In his book The Power Delusion, Anthony Campolo, Jr. uses this definition of power. He defines it as "the prerogative to determine what happens and the coercive force to make others yield to your wishes-even against their own will." The last phrase is crucial to Campolo's definition because he believes that the coercive nature of power is what gives expression to its potential for evil. It seems that human beings hunger for power.

According to German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, this hunger is the essence of our humanity, that "the will to power" is the basic human drive. He also claimed that more basic than all other human needs is the craving to control one's own destiny, to be free to realize one's full potential without restraints from anyone. Nietzsche saw this hunger for power as anti-Christian. He understood more clearly than most Christians that there is something about craving power that cannot be reconciled with the Christian lifestyle. He knew that Christ's call to servanthood and humility precludes all power games. In short, to be coercive and Christian at the same time is impossible.

In Campolo's book he attempts to show how a craving for power interferes with love and destroys personal relationships. According to Campolo, when a leader is able to persuade others to do his will without coercion, when he presents himself in such a way that people want to obey him, when they recognize him as a legitimate leader with the right to expect compliance with his wishes, I say that he has authority. This is the good side of power and we cannot conclude that all power is inherently evil, because God has power and God is good. God employs his power to hold back the forces of evil. God's power is shown to us by His love. Power is coercive whereas love is entreating. God saves us by His love. He does not force His way into our lives, nor does He coerce us into submission. Instead, He entreats us with His love. He does not present Himself to us in the awesome splendor of His power, but in weakness on a cross. There He shows us love in the most perfect expression. It is amazing that he uses this illustration to show how we are to submit to one another in the marriage relationship. You couldn't ask for a more beautiful example. Now all we have to do is follow it.

Marriage was designed as a refuge where a man and a woman could meet each other's needs, not as a "battleground" for power struggles.

Where did this struggle begin?

Before the Fall in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3), the selfish use of power was not an issue in marriage. Adam needed another human being to have an intimate relationship with, one who could meet his physical and emotional needs. God realized this and created Eve. God made the woman to be human like Adam but she was designed in a special way so that they could meet each other's special needs. God wanted this relationship to be a oneness, an intimate closeness that could be fulfilled in no other relationship. This couple had no thought of using this relationship for selfish fulfillment. They focused on what was best for the other and what was best for the relationship. Because of the personal relationship they had with God their greatest devotion was to God. This type of relationship could bring only harmony to their life together as they met each other's needs and shared mutually the care of all of God's creation. It was a perfect relationship in a perfect world. What happened to change this perfection?

We know that it was sin. When Satan tempted Eve and she ate and gave to Adam, they disobeyed God and that is sin. When confronted by God, Adam tried to shift the blame to Eve. A rift occurred in the perfect relationship. Self became more important than the relationship (Genesis 3:12-13). When we began to focus on self then we begin to have what Truman Esau calls "power struggles." Because of sin and it consequences, God saw the need to give marriage a structure so there would be no question as to the hierarchy of the relationship. According to Genesis 3:16 the husband is to rule over the wife. This is God's design.

But the passages in Genesis are not conclusive when we want to look at the complete design. Read Ephesians 5:21-33. Paul describes in detail the oneness that God intended for husbands and wives to achieve in the beautiful relationship of marriage.

The verses in Ephesians indicate that God holds the man responsible for decisions made in the family. This is pointed out clearly in Genesis 3:1-13. When Adam and Eve sinned, Eve succumbed to temptation first. But when God approached them to discuss the matter, He purposely called out to Adam first. It would seem that God was holding Adam responsible for the choices made by his mate, just as the quarterback is responsible for decisions on the football field and the airline captain is responsible for decisions in the cockpit of a plane. No matter what happens or what the end results may be, the "head man" is ultimately responsible for the outcome.

Introduction

What is submission all about?


In this article
- Introduction
- Is there a "good" use of the word "power"?
- What is submission all about?

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