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Old 9th January 2014, 12:28 AM   #1
Baldyman999
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Wife left without much explanation

Hi all
My wife suddenly became distant and then moved out saying I don't love you anymore due to the arguaments and bickering. She had a very abusive childhood at every level and then met someone who was equally abusive to the point of nearly killing her. When I met her she was caring and fun but her dad disappeared and has not been seen for 20 yrs after he was told about the abuse. All our real trouble started when police opened a murder investigation and when she left she wanted to work on the marriage but weeks later said she didn't and hasn't been happy for a long time. We were together for 14 yrs 5 of them married but she says she doesn't want a divorce and still rings me everyday and gives me a hug and kiss when dropping kids off which are 4 -5 and ten. When we met she had nothing and I paid for driving lessons car and everything for ten year including bringing up her two children now 16 and 20. She has said some really hurtful things to me like I have a good job now can support myself and don't need you anymore or I was desperate and needy when I met you and I'm not now. If I say what about what I have done for you over the 14 yrs she says am I supposed to be gratefully for the rest of my life. We have argued but no more than most sometimes abusive but both of us. I have offered to do anything it takes to save our marriage but she doesn't and says I may change my mind but hasn't even done anything at all and won't talk about it. I don't think anyone else is involved due to sexual abuse as a child I have no idea what to do or how I can improve my situation any help would be greatly appreciated. She was 40 this year and I get the impression it is some kind of mid life crisis or she is testing my love for her none of it really makes sense and she is struggling to pay for anything other than daily bills on rented house

Last edited by Baldyman999; 9th January 2014 at 12:34 AM. Reason: Added more info
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Old 9th January 2014, 10:08 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi BM. Trying to make sense of this.

You said your troubles started regarding a murder investigation. How would that affect your marriage? Who was being investigated?

I can understand her comments regarding you holding it over her that you helped her. That can be a control in itself. Our help should be to help not control another.

Obviously she has a lot of baggage from her childhood abuse and this is bound to affect things although one can get help with this.

What are the things you were actually bickering about? Sometimes this is about selfishness which spreads to the other as well and kills off the love.

I think it is a good time to analise what was going wrong and then work to put it right. You can only work on yourself. If you find things to apologise about do it but not just for the sake of it as that would be people pleasing with the wrong motives in order to gain advantage. People want sincerity.
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Old 9th January 2014, 11:53 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Sorry but I am totally confused.
So she had an abusive childhood that her father didn't know about, and when when her father was told he disappeared? WAs her father living with her when she was bought up? Who abused her? Who was murdered and how does that affect you?

It seems to me that she has used you to a large extent to help bring up her children and support you all, and now she doesn't need you any more she has bailed out. Not nice, but there isn't much you can do if she refuses to come back and get counselling.

I would give it time to see if anything changes, but if it is permanent what is the point of her not wanting a divorce if she isn't coming back? There may be someone else who knows, sometimes people who have been sexually abused are more likely to sleep around than those who haven't.

I am sorry but all you can do is be a good dad and help the poor children to deal with this trauma in their lives, and wait this out.

Last edited by chosen; 9th January 2014 at 12:01 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 12:15 PM   #4
ronnoco
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi BM,

Tough one and I see some real similarities with my own wife's departure 6 months ago.

Don't just think because she was sexually abused there wont be someone else - there could well be. Of course, she would never tell you - you would need to think back and see if there are any red flags such as change of appearance, frequent use of phone and cagey about you seeing the phone, increased use on computer, Facebook, etc.

I think when people like your wife suffer such trauma, it does deeply affect them and from some research, it seems if they don't get the right help to deal with those issues, they often box things up in their heads - literally lock things up in boxes to try and store away that event. It's very similar to a dual personality disorder.

Did she have counselling ? - if not, I would strongly recommend you encourage it because if not, you will just not know what part these deep rooted issues are playing.

It could well be a case of when your wife met you, you were exactly what she needed at that time - like a safety blanket. You provided comfort, security, stability, loyalty, care, consideration, trust and of course, love - everything someone who has been traumatised needs. Perhaps she always loved you for what you could offer and didn't have that "true love" that people often strive for (this is a whole can of worms though and has been discussed before)

This is very much what it felt like for me. My wife said she had changed. She said she is a different person, has grown, wants to be independent, needs to find herself, be like the old person she use to be, etc
I did so much for her and my family, just like you, I was devastated and didn't see it coming at all.

A week later, I found out there was another guy in the picture. I really hope this is not the case for you.

All the best and keep posting.

Last edited by ronnoco; 9th January 2014 at 11:18 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 01:51 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

I've heard a lot about this dual personality disorder. It seems to occur when the person cannot cope with the abuse and somehow creates another person inside of them that doesn't get abused. A kind of escape mechanism I suppose like it happened to someone else. Eventually though it has to be faced as flash backs will begin to happen and healing will have to take place.

I don't know if that is happening here or not. Any of the factors could be contributory, even the bickering.

I am sorry to hear about your wife ronnoco. It's like your were used to get her on her feet without a true attachment?
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Old 9th January 2014, 05:26 PM   #6
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi All thanks for your replies. Just to clarify that she always believed her dad was alive so now a murder investigation was launched she has now had to face up to he is never coming back. It wouldn't all be such as bad but because she wanted to work on the marriage I furnished all her house moved all her stuff in and paid for food etc then when I had done this she said I don't want to work on the marriage. She does seem like she has a split personality as to everyone she is nice caring sincere but she shouts swears and was even shoplifting when we went shopping and she doesn't need to. She said she was leaving to be happy but says she is unhappy and has thrown herself into work and says it is a brilliant destraction. I don't think there would be any one else as she has very poor body image and goes to bed if not at work I also pay her phone bill through work and at first checked them and there was no suspicious activity and the kids are organised on a day to day basis so she doesn't really get chance. It has been 6 month now and she still gives me a love and a kiss three to four days a week which gives me hope and she asked stepson 16 who actually wanted to stay with me if he wanted us to get back together and he told her he did. Not sure what approach I should take but it is heartbreaking seeing the kids upset at us not together but to wife it's like it isn't even going on and she refuses to talk about it she just says that let her get this with her dad investigation out of way
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Old 9th January 2014, 05:37 PM   #7
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

She has had periodic counselling from time to time but no more than that
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Old 9th January 2014, 06:55 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

All you can do is leave the door open with her at the moment while you figure this out. She does seem very mixed up and needy and needs deep counseling in my view.

Can I ask where the sexual abuse came from? I take it that it wasn't her father?

Marriage just by itself is not likely to bring her inward healing.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=jo...B42ThQet8YHICw

I don't know if she would find the above helpful? You would have to click on the first youtube type of thing as the address is too long.
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Old 9th January 2014, 08:04 PM   #9
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Her stepdad after her dad and mum split up. Thanks for the link but she feels if there was god he wouldn't of put all the suffering in her life and won't have anything to do with religion

Last edited by Baldyman999; 9th January 2014 at 08:15 PM. Reason: Added text
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Old 9th January 2014, 08:36 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baldyman999 View Post
Her stepdad after her dad and mum split up. Thanks for the link but she feels if there was god he wouldn't of put all the suffering in her life and won't have anything to do with religion
Its not God who makes us suffer, its the sin of other people. Many of us here have suffered awful things, and its only God who has got us through them.

Can I ask who looks after the children if she goes to bed when she isn't at work?

If she has left, I do think that you need to let her go and stop bailing her out financially or in any other way. She needs to realise what its like to live alone. She will also need to recognise that she probably needs long term counselling, as she appears to me very mixed up and dysfunctional.

Last edited by chosen; 9th January 2014 at 09:13 PM.
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Old 9th January 2014, 10:09 PM   #11
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

I have the children 3 or 4 days during week and we have them alternate weekends, I try to tell her that it isn't god who is responsible and due to her being controlled and told what to do all her life she sees anything I do or say as controlling she also says that our different backgrounds don't help, me from the country and her from the town. It almost seems she has something to prove by going it alone as I had been the one through working hard that financed everything and it always seems like we are competing as to who was best parent. Don't get me wrong I haven't been model husband I have shouted at the kids and her but we both have. The only good that has come from this is it made me realise I didn't like who I had become and have now changed my behaviour and lessened work to have the children and keep a good house ironing washing etc aswell as running a successful business. I really do feel for her but it doesn't help my situation. Thanks everyone for your support
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Old 9th January 2014, 10:13 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

I do think she has to be let go to see what it is like alone. AS you have the children half the time you don't need to give her financial support. She may or may not want to come back but she is the only one who can really make those decisions to get help and get her life in order.
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Old 10th January 2014, 12:29 AM   #13
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Thanks for the reply chosen
I don't actually give her much financial support as she pays the phone bill I help out by paying for say a new tyre for car as she can't afford and I would rather the children are safe and I get insurance on fleet so insure her car at half what it would be if I didn't but they say you should always treat others as you would like to be treated even if they don't. She could have if she wanted requested half money from business but hasn't but I did agree to let her have a house we owned that is rented out even though I was the one who did it all up and paid all fees to acquire it but I was happy with this as while I was working she was bringing up our ten yr old son. I do buy her books to read about abuse and getting over it and have offered to pay for her to see any counsellor she wants for her sake not ours but she refuses and sees it as me trying to control her. We do communicate each day and don't argue eat all now but the longer it goes on I feel the further we will drift appart. When we seperated we both said we would put the effort needed to fix the marriage but she doesn't seem to want to and at first we took children out together but now she doesn't ask me but I do still ask her to come on days out but she refuses. It is almost like other than when she is at work she is depressed and it doesn't help that she very rarely eats
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Old 10th January 2014, 09:34 AM   #14
toellandback
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi BM
Sorry your suffering right now. I'm no expert on some of the deep issues you raise. However, I've recently been seperated from my wife. I had all that dialogue from her about finding herself etc etc. Just words in the end, no other man. Just words. I let myself suffer misery , felt used, desperate , all those things you feel now. Luckily, through this forum, from family support I began slowly to becom stronger. I saw the good in me for myself. Her opinion of me became less important. The more I began concentrating on what I could affect , me , the more attention she took. Guess what I'm saying is be proud of who you are , take care of you and let her see a strong and confident man. Be sad in private. I'm sure its not the norm but my wife hated me moving on. It hurt her. Made her rethink and then she came back. Best of luck to you
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Old 10th January 2014, 10:06 AM   #15
toellandback
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi BM
Sorry your suffering right now. I'm no expert on some of the deep issues you raise. However, I've recently been seperated from my wife. I had all that dialogue from her about finding herself etc etc. Just words in the end, no other man. Just words. I let myself suffer misery , felt used, desperate , all those things you feel now. Luckily, through this forum, from family support I began slowly to becom stronger. I saw the good in me for myself. Her opinion of me became less important. The more I began concentrating on what I could affect , me , the more attention she took. Guess what I'm saying is be proud of who you are , take care of you and let her see a strong and confident man. Be sad in private. I'm sure its not the norm but my wife hated me moving on. It hurt her. Made her rethink and then she came back. Best of luck to you
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