Why does the spouse who gets ILYB do all the work - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

MC123 · 24th January 2012, 10:43 PM

I have been given the ILYB speech in October. Since found out that husband was fb and texting OW. All contact has stopped since I have given article on how EA starts. I am grateful for this. Prior to ILYB speech I have been very controlling and angry towards my husband. I am currently in IC husband has refused to come or consider any MC. I have also been hurt and betrayed. My problem is that I feel I am doing all the work but recieving very little in return. My spouse wants to try but refuses to kiss or be intimate with me. I feel very rejected and hurt by all this. Can anyone advise in anyway as I am beginning to feel resentful towards my spouse. How long does this phase lasts as I am beginning to lose hope.

Raymond · 25th January 2012, 02:38 PM

Is he still being unfaithful MC? Texting and flirting? Is he free from porn? Something is in the way it seems and until he puts it right and removes the blockage he is not going to work on the marriage like he should. Marriage does not work with any of these things going on.

Nearly everytime the ILYB speech was made on here there turned out to be someone else in the end. Hopefully that is not the case here.

MC123 · 25th January 2012, 09:22 PM

Feel absolutely heart broken.....brought up how I feel about past indiscretions and have been told as he cannot give me what i want, I deserve better etc he now asked me for a divorce. says he have acted inappropriately but never considered anyone else. I still love him, it is like a knife through my heart. I have always told him if he ever wanted to leave to look for his happiness I will let him leave with Grace. It tears me apart knowing I can not break down again like I did after the ILYB speech. I want to scream at him and tell him the mistake he is making. What can I do? We have both agreed not to mention this to out 15 yr old as he in the middle of his GCSE exams.

MC123 · 25th January 2012, 09:36 PM

Thanks for reply Raymond. All contact with others on FB has ceased. He just says he needs to find himself and admitted today he was taking small steps towards us so am devasted to be given the lets divorce. He looks gutted as I am but will not make any move to change this. I have asked him why he doesn't want to give me any intimacy and he says it is because he not ready to give himself to me fully and when it does it will mean something (this was said before today). He also said he has a low sex drive at the moment and there is no porn involved. We hugged each other after this and I felt that there was love there. he just to.d me he loves me and will always love me. I just don't understand why he is doing this. We have been married for 17 years together for 22 years. where had all my hope gone?

Sillyman · 26th January 2012, 12:18 AM

MC,

There has to be more behind this. Were you married young? What is he trying to find? Do you think he feels he's missed out on something in life?

SM

MC123 · 26th January 2012, 02:55 AM

SM, Here is some back ground:

We met at uni and got married when we were both 26. Things have been up and down in our marriage before but we have always worked them through. This time round things have been more destructive (emotionally abusive) on my part and it is the first time a divorce has been considered. My husband and I are both 43 years old and have a 15 yr old son. We have discussed why he feels this way and the main reasons are my controlling behaviour, marriage is like a battle and my angryness. He has said that i have destroyed all his self confidence and self esteem and there is nothing left but a void. I am devastated about this. I have asked him to try to work through this while I work some things out about myself. I am currently having IC. I would like to get our marriage back on track. I have been honest with him and told him how I feel about us. I love him a lot and never thought about what my behaviour has done to him. I have been trying to change my destructive behaviour.

he has even admitted that he could see some positive changes since Christmas. I don't know what he is looking for though I have asked him. He says he doesn't know and not a MLC. He has a job where he is very well respected at work. There are no money worries. He admitted we had a fantastic family holiday in April last year. He has also said he still finds me sexually attractive? Obviously, i don't believe him as I feel pretty unloved and worthless at the moment. Just anxiety and hurt.

Raymond · 26th January 2012, 07:26 PM

It is either a soul tie he has with another woman that is affecting him or it is the control which is really manipulation. Men do through domination by fear . Women do it more subtly. Basically it means you are not giving him the freedom to be a human being but are trying to orchestrate his responses. It can be likened to treating him like a child. Do you think that is true or is that just an excuse he is giving?

MC123 · 26th January 2012, 09:52 PM

I think you are close with the manipulation as he says I always do/control everything. He sometimes says to me he is not one of my pupls ( i am a teacher). I have let go lots of things and ask him in any decisions he makes. He tells me he has felt this way for a long time. I organised everything in the early years of our marriage as I was not working (small child). I have to admit I didn't feel that when he did help he did it correctly. So I am certainly to blame here for this. This is no longer the case. A few weeks ago when he was taking a packed lunch to work I was making this and leaving loving notes he asked me to stop as I was controlling what he was eating. I stopped making them after that conversation. i just don't know what to do as this makes no sense to me. :-( thank you for you reply.

chosen · 26th January 2012, 11:18 PM

Its very hard to live with a person who is emotionally abusive, angry and controlling. My husbands ex was very controlling and manipulative, as was his mother, and men hate it. He said it was like banging your head against a brick wall, whatever he did he couldnt win, and ended up having to keep her happy or else.This meant that she always got her own way, and used sex and other things to make sure she did.
My ex was similar, used to get very angry and we all had to walk round on eggshells, and my dad could be like this as well, and it makes for a very unhappy life and home. Maybe he has just had enough and had had all he can take?

MC123 · 27th January 2012, 06:18 AM

Thank you chosen, you are probabaly right. He has told me this back in Sept. hence the IC to try to change some of my behaviours. He has said he has seen changes since Christmas and IC is helping so am absolutely gutted he now feels this way. I really believed we still had enough hope and love to carry us through. Thats why this really does not make any sense. Is there any advice you can give me. I have made a huge effort to not to be that person amymore. I have told H that isn't how I want my future marriage to be like and for us to work on a more equal marriage. He had agreed with this but now the lets Divorce. Even typing that word puts a knife through the heart. I love him and finds it difficult that he is ready to walk away from our 22 years together. I am his first serious girlfriend. :-(

Raymond · 27th January 2012, 09:49 AM

I think you are right MC. The word divorce should never be mentioned in connection with marriage problems if there is no unfaithfulness. It can do more harm than good.

My wife makes me sandwiches for lunch and often leaves helpful notes. I count that as love not control. I wonder if it is a bit of one and half a dozen of another. What I mean by that is that some of it may be an independent spirit he has which doesn't let you in and feels control when there isn't any. What do the notes say by the way?

I think you are a bit like my wife in a way. While not controlling there is a drift to an orchestration of things sometimes. Not a big problem. Part of life. It's in the character rather than in her aims.

Do you think your mother controlled you? Did she make you feel guilty and you ended up conforming?

As a definition of control it is making people do what you want. Obviously you have to do this at school as you have the authority to do it and besides they are still children under your authority. That is quite legitimate of course. In an normal relationship outside of business it should never enter into things of course. Our spouses are not puppets to manipulate but relate to us on a freewill basis. We should allow them to feel free but of course we do not put up with abuse or anything harmful to us like affairs and the like. Things like that need to be confronted and it is legitimate to do so.

MC123 · 27th January 2012, 11:20 AM

The notes were simple ones like I love you, enjoy your lunch and have a good day and I did in the spirit of 'giving'. I know that H shown me a lot of love/romance during our marriage and I didn't really appreciated that. I explained to H when he asked me to stop was that I was just showing him that I cared.

I do orchestrate a lot of things that we do such as concerts, friends over etc..as if I don't nothing happens. H has recently said he was resentful of this as he does not always want to go to these with me and feel pressured to. Since then, i have asked him if he wants to go before I purchase any tickets/make arrangements etc...H has said i do everything, but when i have asked him to take control of bills, insurance they have not been paid on time. I have started showing him how to cook for the last few weeks and he has really enjoyed it. In my mind, I have tried to alter my behaviours that have triggered this crisis and continuing to do so. I may have sabotaged my work by saying to H that I feel he needs to make a move towards me too so we can work it out. :-( My parents were very strict. Thank you for your comments, they are helping me to think things through.

Raymond · 27th January 2012, 02:20 PM

From what you have said MC you don't sound controlling to me. Opposites attract and we do end up with someone different from us. The individual strengths can be complimentary if we let them or they can be areas of conflict because we cannot understand the others behaviour. That is part of life. If there are two ways of doing something we each will choose the opposite way.

I think you have a teaching gift and that is part of who you are. My wife is the same. She didn't become a teacher as she had a problem with a broken engagement at the time but nevertheless it is part of her character which can be a big asset although the flip side might savour of control. These are things to work out not divorce over.

It was a mistake to say I feel you need to make a move towards me too. Sounds reasonable to you but it could be conceived as telling him how to behave. It's just these little things which can be conceived as pressure. I don't think you ought to change who you are. Just be sensitive to crossing the line. My wife is exactly the same when she tells me how to behave or how she wants me to behave or what I should be like. It does make me feel like a child sometimes. It only happens when she is having trouble working something through. Nothing to divorce over. We have a very happy marriage. I am sure there are things about him that you find infuriating. It's just give and take needed here I think.

If you are gifted with the finances it's a gift that can be used I would have thought. It sounds like he is not stepping up to some things and you have to do them.

Can you mention about his straying? This is far more serious in my mind from what you have discussed. I hope that is the end of it but it does show a serious weakness that was in the marriage and hopefully has been mended.

All in all I don't think you have a control problem at all. Just out of interest when you are driving together do you comment on how he should tackle things out of a concern for safety?

chosen · 27th January 2012, 04:26 PM

You did say that you have been abusive and controlling and angry towards your husband. What form did this take?

MC123 · 27th January 2012, 05:08 PM

Chosen, I can get very angry and tell him he is useless at doing things. Over the summer holidays I have had issues with our teenage son's behaviour and I didn't feel H supported me and I yelled at him about him not being a good father. he is very laid back and different to my approach. This was around the time FB and texting increased and we spent less and less time together despite my attempts. He wanted to be in his computer room but it did not occur to me he was FB/texting etc as he said he hated thise things! In the Christmas holidays I found out about how he lied about meeting the woman he was FB and texting and got really angry and hit him on the chest, he originally denied they met then told me they met 3 times. i am not proud of this, H told me then that put him at the lowest point about us. Up to this point I have not hit him before, but have pushed him out of my way. I know the abuse I gave him is emotional as he has told me I have destroyed all his self confidence, taken everything and left a void!

Raymond, thank you for your kind words about my teaching gift. i do agree that the straying is worst, but when I try to ask him about it he tells me this is not the real issue why he feels the way he does. the issue is my anger and controlling. I think this is the reason why I think I am doing all the work when it is him who strayed.

I use to mention about his driving, usually not fast enough, but since he told me he hates it i have stopped.

Thank you both.