Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 21st August 2011, 04:36 AM   #1
Hurt-n- confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

I don't know to whom to turn!!! I am devastated! I walked in and surprised my husband while he was on the internet and caught him deleting his browsing history and acting as if he had just been masturbating so I kept a watch. That was about two months ago. Since then I have discovered he has been regularly visiting websites about transexuals, transvestites, and bisexuals. Because of the controls I had put on the computer for grandchildren, he can't get into chat rooms or get pictures but I can tell where he had tried to visit unsuccessfully and where he HAS been. He's always been a VERY avid reader and he can get into sites of sick stories that the controls don't block so I have been just checking in to see what he's into--I didn't know what else to do. Thank God none of them were pedifile sites! He just went for the gay stuff. I know it was wrong to check up on my husband like this but I worried for the grandchildren and was truly scared. My husband is a wonderful man and goes to church regularly. When we married a few years ago, he already had erectile disfunction, but soon had to have to have his prostate removed, and then a penile pump. None of this bothered me; I was a widow whose husband had been able to perform the last 5 or 6 of our 36 years. Sex is not so important to me but I have always done my best to make sure my husband felt desirabe, worthy, and satisfied. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MADE HIM FEEL HE HAD TO ASK BUT WAS THERE, READY!!! We are so very compatible and get along so well together! He's not effeminate at all! He's a superman! I kept telling myself he might be just using this stuff to help him get an erection. However, after being out of town since early yesterday, I came home tonight to find he had visited a site for understanding transvestites and a site for "online dating and zoosk" (something to do with facebook). I hoped they were just accidental hits and thought I would just check his fb but found he had changed his password so I checked his email and it had been changed too! I don't know what to do! He's not home tonight but I DO know that where he is is positively OK. It's one of his "man things" with a lot of other good men that I know so I know he's not on a "date." My heart is ripping out of my chest and I wish I could die peacefully at this very moment like this is not happening. I don't think I can confront him because he'll know I've been checking up on him (I stil haven't decided if that is wrong or not but he'll think it is) and he'll know my source of knowledge. Please . . . if anyone has any advice! And PLEASE, PLEASE pray for us!!!!
Hurt-n- confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2011, 06:21 AM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,246
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Hurt-n-confused
I will certainly pray for you, this must be such a shock. It does sounds as if he may have some leanings towards this area sexually, and is it poossible that he could be a transvestite?. You say you have only been married for a few years, so was he married before?
The fact that he has changed all of his passwords does sound rather strange, unless that is something that he does regularly anyway?

Being a Christian doesnt mean that people dont sometimes have temptation in this or other areas sexually, for example we have a close male Christian friend who struggles with being attracted to other men, and it must be hard for them, BUT this has nothing to do with you or whether you are there for him sexually, its probably something that he has had for many many years, and maybe all of his adulthood.
Its probably not a good idea for him to be going onto these sites, as it is just feeding it, especially if he is masturbating, but all you can really do is pray for him at this time. Do you have a close friend at church that you can confide in and who will pray with you about this?

You could mention to him that you feel that all is not right with him sexually, and that maybe he has some problems and difficulties in this area with temptations, and see what he says, but he will probably want to hide it from you,and he probably feels ashamed as well. Is he able to have sex normally with you, or is the ED stopping that completely?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2011, 06:35 AM   #3
Hurt-n- confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Chosen, Thank you so much for answering me! You have made me feel a little better already because I just wanted to die (seriously, but not like kill myself--I just prayed for it) and you give me hope. I don't think that I can tell him what I have done so I have to figure a way around it. For one thing, if I do, I lose all chance of monotoring it. I know I love God and believe in Him but I also don't believe He will change a person's heart. The person has to do it and I don't know if my husband will want to. I seriously think this hurts worse than losing my first husband because that was the cycle of life and natural I knew God was there. But this is sick and I can't talk to ANYONE because I would never have anyone knowing what my husband is doing. Again, thank you so much for your reply and may God bless you as much as he has me with my friends on the forum.

Last edited by Hurt-n- confused; 21st August 2011 at 06:43 AM. Reason: clarification
Hurt-n- confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2011, 11:12 AM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,246
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

HI again, I am so glad that you have got a bit of hope now, because there is always hope with God.
I think that God can change a person,(I have seen it happen) but that person has to want that change and be willing to allow God to change them. I am sure that your husband would rather not have this problem that he has to keep secret. Some women can accept husbands who are transvestites(or whatever it may be), but it must be hard, especially if he is masturbating when on these sites, as that is using the sexuality that he should be focusing on you.
Are you from the UK?
Was your husband married before and maybe divorced? Just wondering if this was a problem in his first marriage(if he had one) and that is why he divorced?
My husband and I are in our second marriage also, and have been married for nearly 6 years now. You say he is a wonderful man, and that is worth fighting for.

I recommend the book called 'The power of a praying wife' by Stormie Omartian. It has many scripture based prayers for your husband about many different things, including your husbands's sexuality, that you can pray each day.

Its probably not a good idea to tell him that you have been looking, but if you could say that maybe you sense the he has a problem in the sexual area and that you want to help him. If he ever DOES feel able to tell you, dont react with shock, be calm and 'matter of fact' and tell him that you love him a lot, and that you want to work through this together. If you get upset and act appalled he will close up, and wish that he had never told you.

God Bless
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2011, 11:26 AM   #5
clockwork orange
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 73
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Hiya. I can well understand this has come as a huge shock to you. Please don't think it has anything to do with who you are or what you do or don't do. There is no connection. There is an organisation called True Freedom Trust, where you will be able to find support for yourself and, if he is willing, help for him. http://www.truefreedomtrust.co.uk/

There are no easy answers, and it is a hard road for both of you. But Our Lord is gracious, and with Him all things are possible. Whether complete healing ever comes is a question of some debate, but it is definitely possible to come to a place of contentment when the SSA is surrendered to God.

Yes, I do speak from experience.

Hope that is of help to you
clockwork orange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2011, 09:37 PM   #6
Hurt-n- confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

I thank you all so much for your advice and just knowing you are there to listen to my woes. I didn't think I could get up the nerve to do it but I spoke with a couple of the elders at my church after the service today. They assured me that I'm not alone in my pain and put me onto some good websites for help. They also advised me to tell him that we needed to talk about his online activity so we did. thee was no argument nor harsh words. Just discussion. He told me repeatedly that he is not gay, nor transexual, nor looking for a man but just got into reading about them. I really have no reason not to believe him. The church couple told me about a book for him about Clay Crosse who faced the same thing. My husband asked me to order it for him. I also bookmarked some Christian websites for him. I know this is just the beginning and it will take quite a while to rebuild my trust but, with God's help, we can make this marriage work and it can be stronger for it in the end.
Yes, he has been married before, several times but he seemed to have valid reasons for all the break-ups and his family and friends all back him up on it. However, I have wondered if this could have been part of the root problem.
Chosen, I intend to get the book "The Power of a Praying Wife." I have prayed for our marriage daily since we first got together (long before I ever thought we could have an issue) and I believe this is why God made me alert to the situation. However, I now intend to add supplication to my prayers.

Last edited by Hurt-n- confused; 21st August 2011 at 09:41 PM. Reason: spelling and wording errors
Hurt-n- confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 06:12 AM   #7
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Dear Hurt..

You must indeed be in a state of shock to come across his interest and internet sites. The fact he changed his password might indicate he realized you noticed something wasn't right and he thinks you were smart enough or curious enough to see what was going on. It is really possible he has leanings to these sites about transvestities because he may be a closet cross dresser. A cross dresser is "wannabe" woman and is not necessarily gay.

I got pretty familair with a married man, a client, and the father of two who shared his story with me on my internet site. There are wives who understand a husband who is a cross dresser, but is not gay. He play acts and it is part of his personality that his wife understands and accepts. This man says he has a fine marriage with children and he lives out his fantasy within certain perimeters in the marriage. He is not interested in men , he is interested to explore his feminine side. According to his story she was aware of this before the marriage.

I hope your husband will be honest with you about his activities. I imagine you are in a state of high anxiety. I feel strongly that you should schedule a GYN checkup and have an AIDS test. Then I would refuse to have unprotected sex with your h until he is forthcoming about his interests and activities. The trust factor is damaged. You have no idea of who he is, as he is not what he represented to you, is he?

If you break your posts into paragraphs, it is easier to read.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 11:03 AM   #8
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Dear Hurt..

I hope your husband will be honest with you about his activities. I imagine you are in a state of high anxiety. I feel strongly that you should schedule a GYN checkup and have an AIDS test. Then I would refuse to have unprotected sex with your h until he is forthcoming about his interests and activities. The trust factor is damaged. You have no idea of who he is, as he is not what he represented to you, is he?

If you break your posts into paragraphs, it is easier to read.
Hi

That's a very, very useful post with helpful suggestions of practical steps to take in this type of situation, 1aokgal xxx.

It's not clear if he's also looking at separate gay sites? If so, does this mean that he's a bi-sexual? The websites which he was looking at, are they multiple porn sites (to masturbate over) or strictly "hook up" sites to find someone/ppl to chat, have cyber s*x with or meet to have casual s*x etc?

Do you have active s*x life with him? Is he open to what he "enjoys" in your marital bedroom? He may be finding these sites exciting and attractive and these ppl "turn him on"? Or it's just an escape from "life"?

I agree with 1aokgal, it's the health risk factor, which concerns me most; if he is active offline in his secret "hobby" to satisfy his dark desires...? Or is his marital s*x already dead, in decline (e.g. lack of excitement) or in need of CPR etc?

I should think this area would be the last thing he would be totally honest with his wife as he wouldn't be "unwise" to admit anything else besides whatever was already "discovered" by his wife so far who is struggling with this sudden shock of "betrayal"...or he might want to try to protect his wife's feelings by denying things? Who knows?

How many times was he married before if you don't mind me asking this? Do you think he's a closet cross-dresser who enjoys looking at gay, transsexual, other cd sites from your "investigation" on his track so far, Hurt?

I deeply sympathize with what you are going through. It must be, so so so hard for you.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 05:20 PM   #9
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

It is a fact there are men who are married for years, who just realize they live in the wrong gender body and end up telling a 30 yr marriage partner they want to have gender reassignement surgery. There was a prominent politicians who ruined his career and marriage by exposure in his attempt to have sexual relations with a man in a bathroom stall. As there is more acceptance by todays' world of deviancy, there is more known about homosexuality, which has been around all through history.

A man could live a conflicted life for years and appear to be a stable married man. A husband could be bi-sexual and if he is discreet, few would ever know his secret. This man could just be a closet cross dresser with no behavior that is risky. He may never tell you the real truth. Of course, you will confront him! You must have had a gut feeling something was wrong that prompted you to check him out.

A wife uncovers a clue and a marriage with secrets unravels. In this case, I would believe very little of what I am told. I would act solely in my own self interest which is to protect my health. I would not be lulled by protestations or denial of what I saw with my own eyes. it would be difficult to trust again when the mans' whole life could be a screen to mask the real person. In your shoes, I would be appalled and in agony over the nature of his secret desires.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd August 2011 at 06:35 PM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 05:42 PM   #10
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,246
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

I think that she needs to learn what is happening before she starts having std tests or anything, or jumping to any wrong conclusions. If he is a man who likes to wear womens clothing(which it sounds like) then there is no reason why he would have had sex with anyone else, men or women, and it can be worked through. If the wife is OK with it, then the marriage can survive. There isnt anything to suggest that he is gay here.

H and C if you show him you are appalled or shocked, he will never be honest with you again.
Even if you feel like this inside, dont show it, just be calm.
He probably feels bad and guilty enough about it as it is, and that is why he hasnt felt able to tell you.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 07:57 PM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,962
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

It is still an unhealthy interest though is it not?

We all have things in us which could have developed but didn't thank God. I could have possibly been Gay maybe at one point. An interest in women's clothes can be a youthful sexual thing but when one gets to the stage that they want to put them on something has gone wrong.

What settles it for me is Deut 22:4. A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on women's clothes, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord.

Enough there to be very careful that our sexual tastes do no go down that road. God made them male and female and He hates mixture.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 09:10 PM   #12
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,246
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

yes of course it isnt what is good for a healthy marriage, and is against the Biblical order for sex between man and woman, but to start panicking about std's etc is rather premature at this stage I would have thought.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 09:13 PM   #13
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Let us say that I think any wife who would tolerate a cross dresser has to be pretty kinky herself! Then imagine children living in such a household. I could guess that guy might traipse around the house in his outfits and makeup and sure confuse the sexuality of children exposed to such deviancy.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd August 2011, 09:17 PM   #14
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

Chosen...

I doubt you would feel it was premature to check yourself out for a life ending virus if such a man occupied your bedroom! He is surely not going to be truthful. This wife will hear reassurance and denial out of his mouth. That is not good enough to bank on another whose agenda is other than when he married.

When the situation is discussed there needs to be calm and acceptance, but that does not remove the necessity to protect oneself. The images suggest there may not be monogamy. They also suggest this husband may have engaged in dangerous behavior, either now or in the past.
As the virus can have a 7 yr germination period that is a lot of time his history may be unknown. There are not good odds the truth will be forthcoming.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 22nd August 2011 at 09:22 PM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th August 2011, 04:00 AM   #15
Hurt-n- confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Re: My husband's internet activity is gay, transexual, tranvestite sites

I so appreciate EACH and EVERY comment and now realize that, when a person is upset, their thoughts can take every sick twist that is possible.

He has been married three times before but I assure you all, I have learned from so many great friends and family that these women he married were strange. However, I won't deny that his thoughts on monogamy may have had something to do with the ends to the marriages.

But as I said earlier, I talked with him after church on Sunday and it was all calm and constructive. He never denied visiting the sites with the stories but assured me he is neither gay nor a transvestite. He just is a desperate man looking for something erotic to give him a "thrill." He told me he hit the "dating" sites accidentally and I checked the timing on them to discover he wasnít there long enough to sign up; it probably was accidental.

Iím not saying that what he is doing is OK. It positively is not. We also do have a long way to go to be where we should. I will not close my eyes! But I will pray and continue to love the wonderful man I married until he finds himself on the right track with God. Please, please, pray for us.
Hurt-n- confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:09 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2014 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer