Hubby's business trips are killing me.

Thank you for allowing me to post my feelings on this board. At the moment I appear to have so many emotions going on that I'm not sure which one I feel. Also, I think that many people will ask "so what's her problem?" - the thing is I'm one day away from my husband's trip to the World Cup in Japan/South Korea and I feel as if my head is going to explode. The trip is all paid for by his company as a reward for all the hard work he has done over the past couple of years and his work is soccer related so that's why he's going. The thing is I am not one bit impressed and I feel a huge cocktail of emotions because I feel that it's something that I have no say or control over. I have had months to get used to this but instead it's just got worse and worse to the point where I am beginning to obsess. I know it's not the fact that he is going to the World Cup as such. I hate ALL his business trips.

When he tells me that he is going away I immediately feel let down and I get a heavy heart feeling. Then I will find myself experiencing feelings of insecurity, jealousy, anger, betrayal, uselessness, resent and bitterness. When I try to discuss these feelings he tells me that he needs to go away in order to "climb the ladder", "keep up the good side", "be respected" and that if he didn't go there would be somebody else willing to fill his shoes at the drop of a hat. I understand all that but it still does nothing to alleviate my fears and anxieties. I want him not to travel on business trips because I can't handle the pain associated with them and I don't know how to get rid of the feelings I have. At times I can honestly say that I hate him, and I hate his job for making me feel this way. Of course, I don't really hate him at all but these feelings overwhelm me sometimes.

My fears about his business trips are that his plane will crash and that he'll die or that he'll realise that he doesn't love me, or even that he'll meet somebody else and be unfaithful. I am not reassured when I try to tell him because he tells me not to be silly, that those things are not going to happen. But of course they COULD happen which makes me feel very out of control.

What should I do? In the weeks prior to this trip, as with all his pending (impending!) business trips, I have become very difficult and childlike nearly. I find myself becoming sullen and moody at the very mention of even a word that reminds me of his trip - such as "Airport"!! Or when people keep asking him if he's looking forward to the trip, etc. For instance, one poor guy asked me if H was looking forward to travelling to Japan and I nearly took the head off him by saying "I don't care if he is or not...I'm not" - that's not my personality at all, those words belong to somebody else, not me. And yet I can't help myself because all the feelings inside make me feel that way.

In an ideal world I would love somebody to say to H..."you know, business trips should be banned because they are not good or healthy", - and for H to say "yeah, you're right - I won't go anymore" - of course we all know it's not an ideal world and so I must get one with it.

And the irony of all this is that I constantly contemplate leaving H because I cannot bear to feel like this for much longer. We are only married 19 months and are only in our mid-20's so I have years of this ahead of me which I don't think I can go through with.

If you're still reading then I'm sorry if I've been long-winded!

Thanks.

E

[Liz]

Dear E,

Your feelings are part of who you are. They may not be nice to ahve but you can't just wipe them away. They are giving you an insight into who you are as a person and what is goign on inside you. Already you've been able to tell us of your fears that soemthing might happen - you might loose your husband in some way.

I guess one thing that you want is for your husband to really listen to what you are saying and to understand the way you feel. He can't necessarily make you "feel better" or take your feelings away, but perhaps he thinks that's what you want him to do. You might like to look at the article on feelings on the site.

I went through a stage in our marriage when I was very afraid when my husband travelled. I feared something would happen to him and that I would be filled with regrets for things I hadn't said and done. Did he really know that I loved him? I was afraid that I would be overwhelmed by pain and grief and that I wouldn't be able to manage without him. I had to face those fears and discover that I would come through any disaster that befell us. I wouldn't be able to avoid the pain, but I would have the inner strength to survive.

We would all like to have control over life, but unfortunately we can't and the tighter we try to hang onto control the harder life seems to become.

One thing that is worth learning in marriage is how to share feelings without using them to manipulate each other or control life. One thing we learnt through Marriage Encounter was how to do this. I share how I feel with David so that he understands what it is like to be me. He knows that I don't blame him for the way I feel or expect him to change to make me feel better. I own and take responsibility for my feelings. Sometimes he does choose to act differently because he doesn't want his actions to hurt me, but we don't share feelings to change each other rather we do it to get to know and understand each other better. The most important thing for us is to be seen by the other for who we really are, knowing we are accepted and loved.

Perhaps you can find a way to share your fears and feelings with your husband as a gift rather than as a pressure on him to change. Feelings shared in this way can become more bearable. you rae just starting out on the journey of marriage. Don't give up now just because things are tough - there could be so much good ahead just a little further up the road.

If you're feeling down while he's away, come and share your feelings here and we'll try to support you through the time he's away.

Best wishes

Liz