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Old 11th January 2010, 04:13 PM   #1
pitbull
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Classic not in love with you anymore line

I got the classic line of “im not in love with you anymore” on boxing day.
She went round her mates to get drunk supposedly to get away from me and she didn’t come back until the next day. An almighty row erupted and I told her how dare her up sticks on boxing day just to go to her mates. She said I make her miserable and have done for a long time.

She has previously drunk too much, not looked after herself and put on a lot of weight which lowered her self esteem. I have mentioned on occasions about this but we just argue and now I am being accused of mentally abusing her. I have used the softly softly approach, but that didn’t work and have used the tough love approach but was just more hassle than its worth.

She says she has no life with me and she wants her friends most of the time. Is she going through a mid life crisis? It maybe that we have changed and I am more than happy to have a lovely home life, but she has other ideas.

We have been married 3 years and been together 12. Are both 35 and have 3 amazing children 9,5,4.

I tried to confide in her sister what it was all about and my wife flew off the handle accusing me of causing a rift between her and her family and nearly attacked me in front of our poor children.

Since boxing day I have barely coped, living in car/hotels and relatives.

I tried to give her the space she wanted but my head has been in a spin and I have tried to talk to her. She has brought up all the little things in our relationship that she doesn’t like, which has left me pretty gobsmacked that petty little things has affected the way she feels about me. For example, I moan at her for not unloading the dishwasher, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love her anymore.

I decided to write her a letter as talking to her is practically impossible. In the letter I explained that I was unhappy with the, lack of affection/sex, her grumpiness, the way she didn’t care about herself, her drinking too much, her lack of respect to money, the car and the house and other small things.

She has said that all the things in the letter are just an excuse for my childhood problems. Its like she’s denying any responsibility.

My friends even said that we were made for each other and I believe this is true.

I am completely heartbroken that I didn’t see the writing all the wall earlier and now I believe it is too late. I have said all I have to say in letters and texts.

What do I do next? Be nice to her and hope things work out for the sake of the kids?
I would like to do this approach, but I find it hard to move on unless I am completely detached.

I pay all the bills, she receives incapacity benefit and disability allowance. I need to support myself now and as Im not living there, do I keep on paying the water, electricity, gas, phone etc.

Or do I just accept its over and file for divorce?
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Old 11th January 2010, 06:00 PM   #2
dalesman
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

Hi Pitbull
Sorry to hear about your problems. Sending her a letter listing all her faults was probably not the best idea especially if she is suffering from a poor self image and esteem at present. The fact that she chose to spend boxing day away from you and the kids suggests that she is as unhappy about you as you are about her at present. What ever happens now it is important that you calm things down and somehow get to a point where you and your wife are able to talk. You have a lot to discuss and need to be able to talk. As far as paying bills is concerned from a purely legal standpoint you are still responsible for the household bills but the kids are the most important thing here so their needs come first. However you must be able to have enough money to put a roof over your own head even in the short term. In order for you to discuss the future of your marriage , the children's welfare , money and everything else it is vital to reach a point where calm and honest talks can take place. It is important therefore to stay away from playing the blame game at this point.
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Old 11th January 2010, 06:12 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

I'd let the dust settle for a while. Obviously you cannot talk together just now but talk you need to do without both blowing up. At the moment it is tit for tat. Obviously she is touchy about being told anything and is giving it back to you. Both of you really need to think before you speak just now. I don't see why you should need to move out and do nbot think that is a good idea. You are the home person and you are paying the bills also.

Maybe things came to a head and with the drinking as well it all spilled out. If you were nagging too much you need to see that and also to see what can be done about it. It is not much of a home life with someone nagging all the time if that is the case.

It is not good for our spouses to get angry but sometimes if we listen they give away what is really bugging them and we can hide it away and learn some truths from it perhaps. I'm sure it is not all you but only you can do what you need to do.

With regard to your marriage I wouldn't give up that quickly. It is certainly time to think things through to see what changes can be tried for. A lot will depend on how she feels when the dust has settled but don't end it unless she does. These are times that can bring change where some good things can be learned perhaps. So long as she is not being unfaithful things are fixable.

Raymond
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Old 11th January 2010, 06:19 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

I didn't see your reply Dalesman. You must have posted while I was writing. You are making good points. Funny how we agree on calming things down - letting the dust settle.

I didn't pick up the point about listing all her bad points. That can be fatal. Can you not make a list of her good points? Do you only see the negative in her. I don't think any of us have the right to list all the bad points of somebody else. The trick is to encourage the good points. People need encouragement for the good that is in them and we all have it.

Raymond
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Old 11th January 2010, 06:59 PM   #5
Helen_uk
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

Wholeheartedly agree with both the gentlemen above ..In fact was thinking the same and about to post when I read their posts to you.

One thing that does stand out is that you both seem to be doing a lot of talking and not much listening. Conversation and discussion means doing a bit of both... Maybe once things have calmed down you could both try this ? Apportioning blame won't achieve anything pitbull... You need solutions not a slanging match.

If I received a letter from my partner outlining all my faults I think my response would probably be the same as your wife's and I'd be pretty annoyed !

Not sure how long these problems have been building up but Boxing day was only 2 weeks ago so it does seem a bit soon to start thinking about filing for divorce. I'm not saying at all that her disappearing on Boxing day was the right thing to do but some people , when they find it difficult to talk about how they're feeling , run away . Do you think your wife feels she's being listened to ? Do you ?

Helen
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Old 12th January 2010, 09:50 AM   #6
pitbull
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

Wow, what an eye opener!

Your replies are really appreciated.

You're right, we're both blaming each other for our unhappiness and the reason for the letter was to describe my feelings, which I find hard to do sometimes. I did mention in the letter how beautiful she was and what an amazing person she was, but I barely recognise her now.

I have listened to her about all my faults, but she has not listened to me as her mind has been poisoned by her toxic mates!

I believe it is fixable as she has yet to mention that she doesn't love me. She's said I'm not in love with you, but that's different. She said that it had to happen this way and it's the right decision at the moment. So really she has not said it's the end explicity.

We spoke this morning and I think reality is starting to sink in to her, now she realises what little money she will be left with. We are having crunch talks on Friday after I told her that we need to calm down, stop playing tit for tat and sort it out.

Many thanks for your advice.

Will keep you updated.
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Old 12th January 2010, 01:36 PM   #7
dalesman
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

Hi Pitbull,
I think in every relationship there will always be some things that intensely annoy us about our partners and things we would like to change in them if we could, but we love them for the person they are and not the person we would like to change them into. Of course people do change and sometimes develop habits such as excess drinking and unwise friendships. But in situations like this I think it is wise to discreetly look for the root causes of these changes and see if anything can be done to address these rather than ranting on about what annoys us. You say she is realising how little money she will be left with , well a word of caution my friend , if she is on incapacity and has children and you have a decent income then you will be surprised at how well off she might be as a divorced mother. You can bet your bottom dollar her friends will be giving her all the advice she needs on this subject. Besides this, staying together for financial reasons does not seem to be the basis for a successful relationship. I do hope that your talks on Friday go well and you don't feel that you have been lectured to . I just say it as I see it.
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Old 12th January 2010, 01:55 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

I think you speak good sense Dalesman as always.

Well done Pitman for how you are handling it. Dalesman is right. The relationship should not be based on money anyhow, although being hard up may make her think more clearly about why she is acting as she is.

The so called friends do appear to be a bad influence. I hope she will realise this, but you cannot fight it. She has to see it. I think you just have to use all the opportunities you have now to confirm your love to her and encourage the good things that are there but not berating her on the bad things. Most people are only too aware of their bad traits and don't need us to put in our bit. Things can be said in love to be helpful but not the nagging and pulling down type of thing which just brings condemnation.

I hope you are able to fix this and reconcile. The sooner the better really.

Raymond
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Old 12th January 2010, 02:04 PM   #9
Helen_uk
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

I think it hinges on whether you both think your marriage is worth saving. If it is then you'll need to find some common ground to talk on...

If something she's doing is a real worry or bug bear then obviously you have to mention it, but try doing it in a non critical way. It's all in the phrasing ! Conversly though you also have to be able to let her express any worries or concerns she has about you or your relationship . Hopefully you'll both find that by calming things down you can start to really talk things through and see if there's a chance of saving your marriage.

Even if there isn't, you have kids together and they do have to come first , so if you do have to part you both need to act like adults and try not to let your bitterness toward each other spill over on to them. If you split and they remain with your wife in the marital home I should imagine you'll be expected to pay a reasonable amount for their upkeep ( and I'm sure you'd want to anyway ) , that would be the time to seek legal advice though hopefully it won't come to that just yet.

The phrase " I love you but... " crops up a lot on here and can mean lots of different things , sometimes that the person saying it wants out but commonly that they are letting out feelings on how they feel " right now " and that could be caused by many things including a lack of confidence or feeling there is a problem but they don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes focusing on the positives rather than the negatives can change that feeling.

Good luck !

Helen
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Old 12th January 2010, 03:39 PM   #10
Ageing Grace
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

You're getting very insightful replies here, Pitbull. I agree with them completely.

While you're thinking about them, I'd like to ask you to consider something your wife said:
Quote:
She has said that all the things in the letter are just an excuse for my childhood problems.
Was one of your parents very critical of the other? Did you, somehow, end up with the idea that your partner's job is to please you - and, if they don't, then they are "wrong"? You sound bitter & angry. Where does that come from?

Somewhat more brutally than the others, I get the impression from your posts that you don't even like your wife very much. If that isn't true, please give some thought to how a man would talk to a wife he does like and love. What are the differences?

Your example was interesting:
Quote:
For example, I moan at her for not unloading the dishwasher
If she hasn't been able to unload the dishes, might that mean she's had a bad day? Could you have asked how she was - and unloaded the machine yourself?

I do wish you luck but think you have some hard work to do.

In the meantime, you must take care of yourself. Find somewhere safe to live, eat proper food, wash & brush etc. Can you stay with somebody for a few weeks?

AG

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 12th January 2010 at 03:53 PM. Reason: additions
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Old 13th January 2010, 11:43 AM   #11
pitbull
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

To all that have taken time to reply, you have asked some searching questions that are making me think long and hard.

AG
Yes, when I was little my father abused my mother and this was because of drink. She has stood by him to this day. My father was very critical, everything had to be perfect, like put your shoes away, tidy your room, where's my dinner.

I'm not in anyway condoning this behaviour, I'm quite ashamed of it, and like to think that I'm not like that. But it looks like I am in a way. I don't how to address this issue.

I don't like my wife much at the moment, even more for chucking me out away from the kids and I know for sure that her mates are saying you're better off without him, but I love her dearly, more than anything in the world . I have asked why can't we sort it out, but she just says I don't know anymore and won't even bother to talk to me.

I admit that when I come in from a long day at work, stuck on the M25 for hours on end and then come home to an untidy house, it does make me annoyed. I need to just understand and take a chill pill.

I am trying to take care of myself, but I just feel like I am in limbo, being dangled over the side of the boat waiting to be saved or thrown in!
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Old 13th January 2010, 02:02 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

You must keep your spirits up Pitbull.

I understand how you feel about her not pulling her weight but she obviously has her own issues. It is difficult for you to deal with your background but we all start from a certain kind of soil but the outcome doesn't have to be bad.

My parents were divorced at my birth and I grew up in various orphanges so I did have to work through a lot of stuff, especially relationships rejection and so on. With God's help and only with God's help I have overcome and am overcoming. We need not be limited to the soil we came from. When you overcome even the negative things can be turned to a strength amazingly enough.

I think you really need to go home and work it through. Does she have the right to kick you out? Do you not pay the mortgage? I would go home and face the worse. You have recognised where you might have control issues or negative criticm so you will be changing as a person. If she wants to live in a tip you have to let it go. It doesn't seem to bring the best out in her to criticise. Anyone who gets drunk has their own problems. It is better to be happy with a bit of untidiness than have a perfect house with contentions. My house is never perfect. I used to point out that there were cobwebs now I just deal with them. She doesn't see them but I know she means well in everything she does and she has certain strengths that I don't have even if it's not housework. You have an opportunity to do some good to another human being. Use it.

Raymond
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Old 14th January 2010, 10:22 AM   #13
pitbull
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

I have taken all of your advice on board and written a heart felt letter to my wife describing how we used to laugh, the memories we had together, the tough decisions we faced and anchored in there how I got to love her and all the good things that made me fall in love with her and have 3 children.

I have also described in there my childhood memories of my abusive father whom controlled my mother, mentally and physically abused her and made her life a misery. It may well be that some of problems stem from this, but I have now bared my soul to her, which she sort of knew anyway, but this is a lot deeper.

I am basically holding my hands up now, saying it was me who made you unhappy, made you drink, tried to control you, tried to turn her into something I wanted, not she wanted. I have put myself first in my marriage, not been there when she has been sick, thinking work more important, always got myself the latest trendy gadgets, clothes, watches, car etc. But not her, I controlled her spending, I controlled her shopping. OMG! I sound like a complete monster.

This has truly been life changing for me and has opened up my eyes more than I could of ever imagined. Now I just need to convey this to my wife and say how deeply sorry I am.

I have not yet finished it and I'm not sure how to end it and put the ball in her court. She says she doesn't want to be pressured, but on the other hand, I am in limbo.

Do I put a date on the letter on when to tell me by? Like the end of January? To tell em that she does have feelings for me and is willing to give the marriage another go or just I leave it open ended?

Also, because of the children, she wants me to stay in the marital home that she kicked me this weekend whilst she stays at friends. I find it quite hurtful going back seeing all the memories. Am I just being paranoid or would you feel the same?
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Old 14th January 2010, 11:29 AM   #14
Helen_uk
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

If it were me... I'd leave it open ended , don't exert pressure. You've done a very brave and lovely thing in admitting your own faults , being open and honest and apologising for your part in things best now to give her time to digest that.

Her going to stay with friends is probably not the best thing for you , especially if you feel those friends are the ones making things worse, but again it seems to be her choice. On a practical note you have nowhere else to live and she does so it needs some careful thinking about. Maybe you could add to the letter and say it really isn't what you want, and that the children need her to be there but if it's what she really wants then you will move back in for their sakes ?
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Old 14th January 2010, 02:13 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Classic not in love with you anymore line

You have done very well reaching this point Pitbull. The letter is no pressure as it is baring your soul. I wouldn't put a date on it for a reply. Leave it open ended as Helen says. The main thing is you are putting across some good and honest things. You cannot do more than that. If she honestly takes it in she will reply, but you have to leave it after that.

It is fairly common for children to pick up a control spirit from a controlling parent and where you can find yourself with the same issues. You can get help. I know places where they know about this if you were interested.

My feeling is that you should stay in the home. If she leaves it is up to her, but you and the children will be the anchor if she wants it. This is a storm but it could end well. It is still early days. If you want to change people encourage the good but don't harp about the bad. If you have to criticise always do it in love for their benefit in exceptional circumstances not for your benefit.

Raymond
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