Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 25th October 2007, 09:56 AM   #1
Jae
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy Confused!!!!!

Hi,

Iím a Christian 21yr old pregnant of a Muslim guy, we have been seeing each other for more then a year. Early this year we broke up and got back together a month after that. When we got back together I asked him if he was seeing anyone in the time we were apart and he said NO he was not, and we just went on with the relationship. By the looks of this we were doing great and had no problems, I live alone and so does he. He would sleep at my house and I would at his, he would do his prayers everyday and go to mosque on Friday. Which I admire him allot for doing so. 2mnths into the relationship I found out I was pregnant with his child, he didnít look all that happy. He said that we should wait till the child is born for us to make any plans, being naive like I am I agreed to this. He started to distance himself from me and I never new why, I just thought that he need some time to digest all for this but had all the faith that he would make the right choice to be the for me and my child. A month ago he came to my house and told me that he "cant anymore" I asked him what "cant" you anymore? He didnít give me an explanation just that he canít anymore. I told him well like I see it is that he doesnít want my child and he made the Decision as to not be with me and the child. He said its not that itís just that he canít, but he will give money. Which I felt very hurt for what he is doing, I told him to stay out of me and my Childs life, and he lift. Two weeks after that his friend popped in by me just to find out im pregnant and he asked me who the father was, I told him that it's your friendís child imp carrying. He couldnít believe what I told him, he told me if I knew that my ex just got married. Well then I could believe what he was saying. I can remember at that point I didnít know if I should cry or fall died in front of him. His friend could not believe that my ex could have done that to me and just do that to his child as well. when he left I texted my ex in anger and rage and told him that I just want him to stay away from me and go on with his life and I hope his wife knows what a lying pig he is... sorry to use that word but that was how he acted. He texted me back that he is sorry for what his done, but he still donít know what to do. I felt so hurt and angry at him. I still havenít *** to terms that I have to raise my child alone and have gone into total depression. Iím left with so much unanswered questions and donít feel like talking to him. I was thinking of seeing his parents but I have never met them and feel that im just going to invade them, I donít think they or his new wife know of my pregnancy and think the have the right to know.Im respect the religion very much and know nobody needs to go through what im going through. So what imp asking is just to shed some light on my situation and as to what I must do, and the right way to do this as to the Islamic religion?

Thanks for reading my situations, and hope to get a response soon
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2007, 06:32 AM   #2
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear Jae...

This must be a difficult and unhappy time for you and no wonder you are confused. First, are you sure you ARE pregnant? That is, have you taken a test, seen a doctor, or what? There are some who have symptoms and can sometimes be emotional or other reasons.

Where was the birth control? Oh my, that was risky and perhaps you hoped subliminally as many girls that a pregnancy cinches the deal. The fact you now know this man has married is truly a blow. I sympathize with you that you cared so much you were reckless with yourself. Once you are SURE there is a pregnancy you need to think about serious issues as prenatal care or whether you want to have the child to term and raise it. That is a tremendous burden alone.

Does your work have health insurance AND does it cover prenatal care and baby delivery. I can tell you many policies do NOT have this coverage. It needs to be added 10 months prior to any possible pregnancy. The delivery of a baby with complications could max out coverage. You make decision to add this and pay the extra premium PRIOR to any event. You cannot buy it once you are pregnant under many company policy. Check this out. A baby delivery/care is VERY expensive. This is how it is in the states. If you are in UK you may be covered under national health care perhaps?

What arrangements would you have for help? Do you have a family nearby? He should be notified and likely there would be a paternity test to show proof he is the father. I am not sure I would let his parents know from your end. I sure would not be in a situation where family might exert pressure or sue for custody of the child. It is his responsibility to tell them.

He is likely in a marriage perhaps arranged by family. These Muslim girls are very sheltered and very likely no sex was available to him until after a marriage. It hurts to say it but you may have been the transition woman until all that was worked out with her family about the marriage. In many cases Muslim men do not respect gentile women who work and are FREE as you having your own place. It is a different culture and for them the children of a marriage are raised Muslim under their beliefs. This is your child if you decide to have the baby.The baby should be raised in your faith. He should pay support and you will need that. If he does not pay ...you go through the courts and get it set up.

If you are not far along, you may consider to end the pregnancy as you will have 20 years to put that life ahead of yours. You should get some counselling and make a decision. Not everyone is equipped to bring a child into the world and raise it alone so you may also consider adoption. See if you can get with your family and get input and there are also organizations that counsel young woman. though it sounds as if you still care for him ...he really did a slimebag number on you. I doubt you will ever get any input from you as he will distance himself so he does not have problems with a new wife. Don't be angry with her...she is innocent and he lied to both of you.

Stay in touch and I hope you can find everything falls into place. My daughter had a similar type event..not a muslim. They lived together and talked marriage until she got pregnant. Then by the time the child was 5 months old he was out there trolling for the new woman. My grandchild is 9 and spends 2 weeks a month with each parent. They share custody. He married the other woman and had another baby with her very quickly. My daughter has done a great job and copes with her work and a university schedule as well. She really has a lot of fun with this little girl. She spends time here with me as well when my daughter is in classes. Everything can work out.

Good luck.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th October 2007 at 06:39 AM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th October 2007, 08:53 AM   #3
Jae
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Confused!!!!!

Hi 1aokgal


Thanks for your replyÖ and yes I am 5 and a half mnths pregnant, and I live in SAÖ. I was on birth control (pill), but some how didínt workÖ I have decided to keep the child, and didínt tell my family that his marriedÖ they going to be devastated at the situationÖ. Im not sure that he will ever tell his family nor his wifeÖ cos I feel his to ashamed by my sonÖ I feel that my son some how need recognition, but donít know if im going to disrespect his familyÖ. This is a very hard time for me but I donít wanna make the wrong choices in my or my sonís lifeÖ I know he should support his son, but I just cant get iva the fact of what he has done to usÖ this man has taken so much from me and I donít think I will ever forgive him for thisÖ

I really appreciate you advice and hope you keep in contactÖ

And keep well
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th October 2007, 03:06 AM   #4
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear Jae...

As I told you about my daughter it is not easy but all things will fall into place. It is my hope for you that you have a good family who love you and can help you during this time. This is not the big shame anymore. There are so many women who bear the children and raise them as my daughter chose to do. When the child is born the father owes a duty to support his child. It is also a good thing for the child if the father has visitation.

This man wronged you and lied to both of you as this includes the young woman he married. Do not let the anger of this rob you of the joy in planning for your child. You need good prenatal care so you have a healthy baby and a safe delivery. Make sure you get information on whatever help there is for you during this time. Take good care of yourself. Take your vitamins and get exercise.....eat right.
Stay in touch.
God bless.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2007, 10:49 AM   #5
Jae
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear 1aokgal,

Thank you so much for your great support, you have know idea as to how much you have helped... and tell your daughter that she inspire me so much, her strength and courage I evy...

im still dealing with a lot and know that there is still more ahead for me in doing this alone, I know I wont have the heart to him my son away from his father cos that just not the person that I am... but im so afraid as to what my child is in for... he was by me yesterday to see how im doing and stuff and we got talking he still said the usual, that his sorry for what his done and stuff and that he still donít know what to do...

it looks to me that his not going to tell his parents or his wife about us, and planning to just be a private father for my child... which concerns me a lot, should I expose my son to that kind of life? and let him just be... or should I demand for my child to be known to his family...

when I asked him if this is the life that he wants for his son, he couldn't even answer me... he just said that he donít know what to do... it feels like im talking to a 12yr old, and frustrate me greatly... he made a decision in marrying some1 els, but still tells me that he donít know what to do... which makes me feel like I donít now what to do...
I just donít know anymore.



God bless keep well
  Reply With Quote
Old 29th October 2007, 09:50 PM   #6
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear Jae...

Muslim families put a lot of pressure on their childrn to marry within the culture and religion. You will thank God one day you did NOT marry this man. You also use care when meeting with this man as he is desperate to keep you hidden and away from family. Don't let him bully you or do not have drama with him.

Lennox, the grandaughter comes tonight and stays and I take her to school in the morning as her mom works a night shift. She is a pretty child and smart. The mom works hard, makes a good living and owns her own home. She still has 2 more years to attend the university for her degree. It is a lot of work to carry all of this but she plugs forward.

After your child is born perhaps you will meet his parents but to be honest with you I think that would always be a concern. I have read too many stories about muslim men who have kidbnapped the child to take within Muslim country or community. If it were myself I would not want to worry about that. SO long as the father paid child support then I would keep my own family close. While I would have visitation I would make sure it was supervised by you or grandmother. Let us see whether he will do the right thing and tell his family as the child would do better to have contact with them so long as there is no war over your raising him as Christian.

Right now..let go of the connection and heal emotionally. Never be a convenience that he can keep you and his family. Don't look over your shoulder.....it was all lies. Now you plan for the future so you can maintain yourself and your child.
Keep well.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 29th October 2007 at 11:11 PM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2007, 07:13 AM   #7
Jae
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear 1aokgal,

Im Definitely not going to let him bully me into anything... and im so glad I did'nt get married to him, I cant even imagine what my life would've been like... im definitely going to let him support his child... even if it at the expense of his wife having to find out about us... it was'nt my doing of lying about my child... and im sure he understand what the situation is of keeping his secret from his wife and trying to soften me up as to not make any hash decisions as to his son... he knows that sooner or later it's going to come out, and think that every thing will just go on as before with us... but im not going to let that happened... if he was to get to know his son, I will let him... and yes im moving on with my life, slowly but surly... I know I have a difficult time ahead doing this on my own with no support... but I can only remain hopeful, hopeful that I can give my child the best as I can by loving and caring for him... im not sure as to what is going to happened in the future but I know I will definitely try to make it work...
I thank God each day for your advice and guidance cos you have really helped me a lot...

God bless you greatly
  Reply With Quote
Old 30th October 2007, 01:30 PM   #8
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear Jae.....

I appreciate your kindness to say that I helped you. My heart goes out to you in the loneliness you feel and mostly I hope you can find the joy in each day in bringing a life into this world. This child may be a lot of problem with needs as the layette clothing and furniture. Yet for all of that you will have such a wonderful time and delight in all the things your child will do in the future. Maybe you sew and can embroider the little gowns or add touches. I once cut up my husbands' nice silk shirt to make a lining for a little coat and hat I made for the baby.

Can your family help you with these things? Here in this country we have different programs that help single mothers with nutrition and classes to prepare for delivery. I took Lamaze classes 32 years ago and it makes a HUGE difference in the ease of delivery to learn the breathing exercises. If they don't have the classes there...find a book in the library.

You have a sweet way about you and I just hope friends will rally around you and give you a baby shower with gifts and things you need for this child. I am sorry you are not in this area so I could give you a hand. You keep well!
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2007, 07:32 AM   #9
Jae
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear 1aokgal,

We donít have programs like that for single parents here in SA, but I will surly take a look at the library... my family is supporting in some sense but I cant expect them buying or helping me in things like that... I have saved up a little for the time that im going to be on maternity leave and stuff , and have bought a lot of things for my son already... my friends are also planning on a baby shower so I donít have to worry about that much...


I am now looking forward to the coming of my child and hope that im going to do a great job... im getting huger by the day, and getting tired a lot more often... im just glad that I donít have to do much work and my supervisor has been very supportive when my moods kick in... im so blessed to be surrounded by people that care, and never realized it until I spoke to you...

you made me see that its better to look around and appreciate what you have, then to focus on what you donít have... im smiling more theirs days, and my friends care see the difference... by some how in the back of my head cant help to think that some thing is going to happened to take my joy away again... I know it sound craze, but my whole life has been about it...

Anyway... send my regards to you family and let them know that it's a blessing to have such a courage's mom and wife in there life's...

Keep well
  Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2007, 09:19 PM   #10
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Dear Jae......

Terrific your co-workers give you a baby shower. Here in US we have resale shops with kids clothing and furniture. great places to save money.

You describe the coming child as a "son." Did you have an ultrasound test? The most expensive baby item is the crib.
Yes dear, you must get your vitamins plus diet iron rich. I am sure your parents will help you. Listen, I was not delighted at the guy my daughter chose to have a child with. By time the baby was few months old he was cheating. He lied and was still married . He left my girl for another by time baby was 6 months old.He married the next one. He has 4 children by 3 mothers. He does right with the child but is difficult to deal with him. It is better for the child to know the father. Who knows...in a few years you might marry and have help raise the child.

Birth control that fails is often a desire to have the man or a child. We all want to love and be loved. Now you concentrate on the love for your child and prepare for delivery. The exercise you get, the breathing exercises..that is what you need to think about now. The past is dead. You were spared to end up with somebody who lied and was faithless. Good riddance. So you are in SA. Are you spanish speaking? What type job do you have? Great you have good job and maternity leave. Will your mother help with baby or will you find child care? I am sorry you have so much on your shoulders but there is a saying God never gives us more than we can handle, remember? Would you be Catholic or faith that baptizes the baby?

I made a beautiful Christening dress for my grandchild she never used it. We were Catholic when I was young but became protestant later. They don't baptize infants.
Take care of yourself. I am glad to add some positive thoughts to you. You seem a level headed girl. Have you started to think about names. No toy names now. Think of a name on a book he writes, a law degree or medical papers. Hate these toy names for people as naming a girl, Candy, like a stripper. A name is future and important.

Everything will be OK. Go on internet and get info on Lamaze birth technique.
Lamaze got me through birth with NO drugs when I delivered. So I had natural childbirth. Now..don't laugh ..I did say at certain point..I think I need something. They said forget that.... the babys head is there and it is almost over. HAHA..even an aspirin at that point would have been welcome. There is natural pain blocking at that point. Lamaze is a wonder to assist mom with comfortable delivery. No drugs is safer for baby. That is why so many start taking thse Lamaze classes. Even if you take use the birth drugs the Lamaze breathing reduces discomfort.

My email you can reach me heritagefashions@cox.net
Bye for now. Thanks for good wishes.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 9th November 2007 at 06:23 AM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2007, 08:08 AM   #11
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Confused!!!!!

Jae.......

Hope you are doing OK and the pregnancy is on track. I think of you often and hope you are in good spirits. You have exciting things going on for you with the birth of your child. You keep healthy get walks and eat right.
Bye for now
1aokgal
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:24 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2014 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer