My letter to the o/w...

Tonight I am having a slight setback. I just found that I have...the o/w's email address. When h sent out a funny email a few weeks ago to a whole bunch of people, I saved it...and going back through them now, I just found that he copied her on it too (I know this because it is her full first and last name). So after a couple of glasses of wine now, and through a stream of tears, I typed this email to her. I won't send it (I've learned to not send anything in haste), but I may revise it (when my head is more clear) and send it at some point.

M,
I wonder if you even have any idea of how many lives are being affected by your decision to be with my husband. I have dedicated my life to this man for 20 years. I have traveled literally across the world with him, given him 2 beautiful children, put him before myself in every situation, and loved him unconditionally...all to be cast aside with no warning. I'm not blaming you completely...T's unhappiness...that is his issue. And I don't know you M, or what kind of person you are, or what kind of values you have...but I do know that you KNEW T was married when you lured him to you. I'll never know how a person sleeps at night knowing that they have torn a man away from an entire life he has built with his family...his children...his wife. We were happy M. For so many wonderful years, we were the ideal family. T and I have been the best of friends for what seems like forever. The past year or so has been somewhat less than perfect, but it could have so easily been turned around. However, he ran into you. One day in January, when things weren't "perfect" in our lives, he found a little temptation, and he bit. How do you feel to be the bait? Oh, and just so you'll know...he didn't stop sleeping in our bed until after he started this *virtual* relationship with you...just in case you were told otherwise. You and he have destroyed a lifetime of dreams...both of mine and my children's. We have been abandoned, and never even saw it coming. I don't know what your intentions are with my husband, but you should know that up until the point that you stepped into our lives, our marriage was good. We were in a small rut, as all marriages go through, but we have always held onto each other in the low points and climbed out together. But add in the temptation of another woman (any woman) and he jumped at the chance. It's not your fault he was weak, but it is equally your fault that this has continued. I love my husband M. I would have laid down my life for him. Shame on you. Shame on you both.

Again, I'm not sending it...yet. I'm just putting it in my little "Hate Drafts" folder and might someday...maybe just before our d goes through, because I know she'll share it with him. Don't know also why I'm posting it here either...maybe just the wine talking (or typing). It's after midnight here, so I'm going to go to bed now...determined to wake up HAPPY in the morning!!!

Love you guys,
Jo

You are a wonderful, sincere and compassionate person. I would send the email as it conveys your feelings, without horrible slander to another. I think you would feel better at least knowing that you got to let her know how you feel. I am sorry for all your pain but one thing I have definately learned is to let your feelings out and you are a much better person than me because you are at least able to be rational. Thank you for sharing your letter.

Hugs and prayers

Hi Jo

I'd leave it in your hate drafts. Many OP know exactly what they've done but the lies they've been fed by their cheating partners and their loyalty to them seems to make it not matter to them. Your email will be shared by her with your husband and he will dimiss it as you being deluded and re enforce the lies about your marriage that he's already told her. You deserve better than this so sit on the letter and enjoy having composed it.

I hope today finds you happy, even with a wine head!

I woke up this morning happy...yea! But after re-reading my email, I still feel like it conveys what I want to say. I am going to send it eventually. Not just yet...I'll know when it's the right time. Why do I keep going back to "no, he'll get so mad at me if I send this to her"....WHY do I care??? I don't owe either of them anything. I have every right to voice this to her. I guess I'm worried that I'm comprimising my dignity by even saying ANYTHING to her. But by not, she (and he) may think I'm condoning their relationship. So I add this to my list of things I'm on the fence about doing!
Jo

[Annie2]

Jo,

Well done. Excellent letter but most constrained. No 'F' ing and blinding and no name calling so top marks for dignity. I'd miss out the 'Oh, just so you know...' bit and just drop that detail in a bit more harder hitting than 'Oh'. But that's just me. Make sure you also include evidence and things he said to back up how happy you were together instead of just giving your opinion. Sorry sounding like an English teacher now. Just send it as it is, it's brilliant!

Love lots
Annie xx

No, please don't apologize Annie! That's great! That's exactly the kind of advice I'm looking for!
Thank you!
Jo

hey jo how you doing i think that is a great email i agree with annie that you need to back up the email with evidence of happiness becuase if he lied to you it stands to reason he lied to her. My dad told his new wife that he was already divorced when he was still married to mum. I don't think you are being indecisive you just want to be sure that you when you do call it a day you have done everything. I'm sure he will be angry that you sent it its amazing how they don't want ow to be hurt or embarrased and yet they have no problems whatsoever in doing these things to us. When your ready you send that message i think its great although would prove that he was happy with you because you know he will say he wasn't and the email will be forgotten. God bless and keep strong

How would you guys suggest I prove that? I added some comments about the fact that we had made so many plans for our future...but I'm just not sure how to verbally give evidence as to how happy we were together. Any suggestions as to how to go about that?

GREAT letter, Jo! Send it; I think it is spot on. You are not being hysterical, vindictive or unreasonable; you wrote a letter which perfectly conveys just how ridiculous this whole situation is. I understand where the post about "affairs - the other side" is coming from but , while I vaguely remember feeling like that when I was younger myself, this forum is about the issue of a proper, full-blown marriage getting into trouble, not just a little "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. Well, that's the main point I can't seem to get into my H's head at the moment, so maybe I am biased. I suppose what I am trying to say is, if I had had a letter like this when I was young and had fallen for a married man...oh boy, I would have done some serious thinking about what I was doing!
Susi xo