Need help guys....

Today was a WONDERFUL day, but I'm torn right now about how to handle something.

First off, as I stated, today for the most part was GREAT. The kids and I went to church, which held a service which, I could almost swear that the pastor wrote all for me! I was crying so much, but WHAT A REVELATION. Basically, he helped me to see that God has "pruned" this man out of my life (he demonstrated this with an actual almond tree that he had on stage). I'm beginning to be really really ok with this marriage being over. I'm not ok with how he did it, or his actions, but ok with my circumstances.

He came over after church, picked up the kids for a movie, and I didn't go. I don't think he wanted me to either, but that's fine...I had already told the kids that I wasn't going.

After he came back, he was quickly saying goodbye and not staying for dinner, which I know is a good thing, but I made extra in case he decided to stay, which I will now have lots left over...but that's ok too.

Just a bit ago, my daughter (12) told me that her dad had a hickey on his neck (does everyone know what that is, or is that a U.S. term?). To my surprise, I'm not freaking out about it. But my daughter has now brought it up 2 times, and I am worried that she is being affected by this. How could she not be? I want to tell my husband what our daughter told me, because I want him to either know that 1) our kids are smart enough to figure this stuff out and to please have consideration for THEM when he (or the o/w) decides to do something stupid like this....or 2) he needs to give her an explanation if that's not what it is because right now, it's weighing heavily on her.

How do I tell him this without sounding like I'm upset because of jealousy? I mean...honestly...sure, it does bother me a little. Ok, it bothers me a lot...who am I kidding. And if it were ME to have seen it instead of one of our kids, I probably would just stew about it for a little while, then let it go. But the fact that SHE saw it and knows (or thinks she knows) what it is, that bothers me the most. I don't want her to view dad as a cheater, and in her eyes, we're still married. (Heck, in MY eyes we're still married...because we ARE).

What do I do? Call him...email him...what tone should I use? I started an email to him...what do you think...should I send this:

I just thought you might like to know, T saw the hickey on your neck and has brought it up more than once since you left. I don't think that is the image that you would want to portray for yourself to your kids, so you might want to keep in mind that they are smart enough to figure these things out, and are affected by it. They're going through a lot right now, and it would be nice if they didn't have to deal with the thought of their dad being with another woman while he's still married to their mom. If, in the off chance that she's mistaken, you might want to give her an explanation tomorrow, since that is now what she believes that it is, and it is obviously bothering her.

Just a little consideration...that's all I'm asking for, from both you and whoever left that on you.

OK? Advice?
Thanks,
Jo

[jools]

Hi Jo
Yes, I reckon that message is fine - though i'd leave out the last bit about "if, in the offchance etc... " cos it makes it look as though you're looking for an explanation. He should realise that his children notice this and he should be aware of what they might be thinking.
Jools, X
________
Dc medical marijuana

Hi Jo,

I agree with Jools. Chances are, he'll make something up anyways, so it's better to not even imply that you would consider any other explanation.

Take care,
Mon X

Thanks very much for the advice...I left out the "in the offchance" part and he replied. He said no...not a hickey...just a bump that he had scratched at, and he would talk to her about it tomorrow. Very short and direct, very well could be a lie...who knows.

But I wish I didn't care. I just want this to be over with now though.

My daughter had to list some of her "heroes" for a school project. She listed about 5 people, 2 of which were myself, and her big brother. I asked her, just sort of inquisitively, "You don't have your dad on here?". She said, "Well, he used to be, but he hurt my mom...so really he isn't anymore." I can't describe how sad that makes me....on one hand. However, I feel very guilty that to another degree, I feel somewhat vindictive in this. Isn't this bad? I don't want her to take sides...but if she has, I have to admit, I feel good that at least she has taken mine. It does go to reason though...my kids are smart...they know that none of us have done anything to deserve this. Anyway, I ended up just telling her that I hope that she can forgive her dad for doing this...that he isn't trying to hurt me or them in any way.

Funny how this day was WONDERFUL, but went a little down after he came over.

Jo

So, you find that without him, you can have a WONDERFUL time! Isn't that worth finding out though!

Mike.

Yes! I think that maybe that could be considered a general rule of thumb...you know you're close to being ready to move on when you find yourself happier on days WITHOUT your spouse. I'm not happy every day yet, but so far it has been a given that if he is around, I'm just depressed. On my own (the past few days anyway)....I'm a freakin' ray of sunshine!
Jo

[Annie2]

Jo,

Hang on to your WONDERFUL. You had wonderful without him, you did that yourself. When he, ok not directly, came into your day the wonderful changed. You are a survivor. It's blooming natural and shows you in a better light (ie you feel and your not cold hearted) that it bothered you. It bothered you and it bothered you also from your kid's point of view. That's because you are a wonderful person! You are complete and can understand and express your honesty. Look at the pathetic way he has expressed his 'honesty'. Hang in there and bask in all the wonderful that comes your way.

Annie xx

Oh Annie...you just brought a smile to my face. Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly believe that it is easy for us to not WANT to be happy. I found myself, in the early stages of this, afraid that trying to be happy would condone the situation and that I would be dishonoring my marriage by moving on. Once we WANT happiness and WONDERFUL...it's there just waiting to be found!
Jo

[Annie2]

Jo,
Now that has brought a big smile to my face. You couldn't have put it better. Happiness is there for all of us waiting we just need to allow ourselves to have it and find it!! Well done you girl! I have a funny feeling that you have an enormous amount just waiting for you. You are not condoning anything by having happiness, in fact just the opposite. You are living life the way we all should and not in the selfish, destructive and wrong way others choose or find themselves trapped in doing. Happiness for you is not hurting anyone it's providing you with the key to life and in turn nurturing your children. May I also add it can be found in a family sized chocolate bar so go for it my friend and guzzle one of those as a congratulatory prize for your strength!!!
Keep well Jo and keep posting,
Love Annie xxx

Originally Posted by Annie2

May I also add it can be found in a family sized chocolate bar so go for it my friend and guzzle one of those as a congratulatory prize for your strength!!!

HA! So true! In fact, that's exactly where I found it just last night...a big chocolate bar in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other...it was a HAPPY night!
Jo

hey jo just thought about the sermon you went to sunday an it matches where i am as i mentioned on other thread i'm reading about simpson and edward viii and its so strange because it was felt that it was worst think they could do get together and hurt edward's family rock england mr simpson was broken hearted etc but when you get to the end of the book you find its a good think because edward viii was too friendly with hitlar and would have caused great trouble if edward was king during the break out of ww2 and mr simpson married somebody who made him so much happier. And ask for edward and simpson she was so cruel to him they had very little money and she didn't want him anyway have wrecked everybody's life to get him and the people who were all hurt and destroyed found that actually it was better that the two were out of their lives so they could focus on surviving - i really feel thats us it hurts now but God know whats round the corner and that life will be much sweeter when we trust God and see why he let us go through all of this.

NB

Its not wrong for you to feel a sence of relief that your daughter is siding with you your not sharing these feeling with her but she is not a stupid girl (shown by her response to flowers ) its not just you your h has disappointed and hurt it is her to and one day your h will wake up and find out just how much he has lost and how much he has hurt your daughter and you and just like my dad did will 20 years down the line turn to her and say i was no father to you and i'm sorry.