Does he want me or not?

Hi

I have various threads on here about my husband telling me he no longer loves me. He has had an emotional affair with a neighbour, this has now ended with no contact for approx 4 weeks.

We have been ridinig an emotional rollercoaster for the last few months with me being very low at times and husband insisting that he doesn't love me and won't ever love me again.

Last week I went to see about being re-housed but husband phoned me and asked me to come home. He said he didn't want our boys to move before christmas and we would see how things would go.

Since then we have been getting on really well, no falling out, a few laughs and yesterday we all went shopping together, the first time in months. Last night I went out with some friends, when I came back I went to see him in his room ( we haven't slept together for months ). I asked him if we could have sex as I was missing him he said no as he didn't want to hurt me. I said that I understood that he didn't love me, but we were both consenting adults, could we have sex and then I would go back to my room. He said no again, I said that I respected his view. I said that perhaps if he did some physical things with me such as a kiss goodbye or a pat on the arm the feelings might return, even though they may feel wrong at first. He just said how do I know. We have had a such a good 12 year relationship up until this year. I have been working under the view of make home a happy warm loving place that he would like to come home to. I give him no pressure if he wants to go out. We talk daily stuff and I leave him rather than follow him around like a puppy dog.

Is there a chance for a future together, do I keep this up, which I am enjoying, and see if there is hope for us. Part of the reason he said that he fell out of love with me was because of the arguments, we haven't argued for about a month.

The other night I went down to his room and asked him for a cuddle, he said no, but did give me one in the end, I only stayed for a minute, said thank you and went back to my room. Prior to this, he could not stand me near him, if I touched him he said I was mauling him. Is this progress or am I reading too much into it. I can give him all the time in world and I have told him so, but he just says nothing in return.

Any advice or outside view greatfully recieved.

Thanks for your support everyone.

Lisa

try the book "the care and feeding of husbands" by DR. laurla Schlessinger

http://www.drlaura.com/timages/sd/books/pcfh_prbk_4.gif

It worked for a friend of mine it realy turned thier marrige around.

[Helen]

Lisa,

I have watched your story unfurling from a distance and have deliberately refrained from commenting. Nothing sinister - I just wanted to see what others had to say. Now I am going to comment. First, you do seem to be trying awfully hard for your marriage yet your husband has made it more than abundantly clear that he wants out. His viewpoint has not changed - he does not love you, he does not want to be with you, he wants you out and he wants a divorce; yet you seem to think if you become this super woman, maybe he will want you back.

Here is the bad news: He won't. It doesn't matter what you do. Your husband absolutely does not want you back. I have no idea why but I do know he doesn't. So think about moving on and finding another guy who is worth the investment. Because your husband, wanker that he is, isn't.

I hate being so brutal and I rarely am. But I keep reading your posts and I just think 'this poor woman - doesn't she realise she is wasting her time trying to make her husband love her?' You are. He never will because he is already set on looking for someone else. He will never love you again. He wants someone else. Pity is he doesn't understand that someone else does not necessarily mean someone better. But I suspect he will not care about that. He just wants what he wants - someone else.

Let him go. Dump your husband and prepare yourself to move on. It is abundantly clear to me (and others) that he has already moved on himself. You need to move on too.


Helen

Wow Helen

That is to the point. I still hope to save my marriage, we were once so close and I still love him. After 11 years of a good marriage I think it is worth sitting it out for a bit longer, it could be a mid life crises, he has had a lot to deal with this year. If it doesn't work, at least I know I tried my best. Leaving home, taking the kids with me etc etc is still on my mind but I still believe in my marriage and my husband .

Regards

Lisa

[Helen]

Originally Posted by LisaH

Wow Helen

That is to the point. I still hope to save my marriage, we were once so close and I still love him. After 11 years of a good marriage I think it is worth sitting it out for a bit longer, it could be a mid life crises, he has had a lot to deal with this year. If it doesn't work, at least I know I tried my best. Leaving home, taking the kids with me etc etc is still on my mind but I still believe in my marriage and my husband .

Regards

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

If this is what you want to do then fine. It just occurred to me that you have been doing this since day one and your husband has not changed his mind. He has not budged and has not softened his outlook in any way. The fact that he is still behaving the way he is is not a good sign. I accept you were close once upon a time - I was close to my ex too but it did not stop our marriage going belly up. I did what you did - i.e. hung on in there in the hope that things would improve. They didn't. Instead my ex had an affair; a full, sexual affair and we ended up divorcing. Obviously I hope this won't happen to you and I hope you are able to sort things out. But a part of you needs to be prepared in case you don't...


Helen.

[SouthofFrance]

Lisa,
I have to say your story is a confusing one, it sounds like your husband is enjoying playing games with you to a certain extent. You have offered to leave a couple of times, even going to see about housing with the council and he called you back, and this doesn't seem to be the only time he has done it supposedly for the benefit of the boys. I can't help wondering if he really does want you around and is enjoying the effort you are making. As for the refusing of your advances, because he may hurt you ... I hate to say this but are you sure the affair with the neighbour is over and are you sure it isn't sexual? I only ask because the only time my H refused me was because he'd being having an affair and couldn't bear to hurt me (yeah right! - don't do it in first place!) it has all been out in the open for three months and things are OK, getting better and I think we will make it. But I really don't understand why your H tells you he doesn't want you then asks you to stay, cake and eat it springs to mind. I know lots of people have asked you to really seek the truth in this matter, the truth may be awful but at least you would have something to work with instead of this uncertainty. I also have to say I really admire your strength in hanging in there and taking it at his pace, well done, but maybe you do need to set your self a limit, you can't go indefintely if he isn't responding. Perhaps if you actually did move out (which i know wouldn't be easy - did he give up his job incidentally - what is your housing situation now?) it would force him to decide what he wants, if you're not there the not loving thing becomes real instead of him saying it (potentially to hurt you out of some kind of self loathing IF he's having an affair!) of course it may go the other way and he might decide he prefers not having you around which is something you would need to accept and has Helen says be prepared for, but at least you would be out of this limbo! Have you tried confronting the woman (neighbour) and asking her what is going on? Get the truth and if you really do have it already start thinking about yourself and planning a life without him, as you cannot carry on like you are, like Helen I have read your threads thinking poor Lisa, I understand you still love him and want to make it work but it takes two and if he isn't making any effort whatsoever - shock him and move out! That should be enough space for him! Good luck and keep being strong

Hi Lisa

It's sad but I'm afraid I have to agree with Helen.

It doesn't sound to me as if your H is blowing hot and cold, to me he seems to have made his mind up, as far as he's concerned the marriage is over. It may be that just as he said, he called you back from the housing office purely because he didn't want to see the children disturbed this close to Christmas.

I'd be wary of taking him at his word that his affair was purely emotional and not sexual, if it was it would be very unusual for him to react in the way he has and try to end his marriage.

It is always worth fighting for a marriage if you honestly believe there is hope you may succeed, but where is the hope ? Your H wants no physical contact with you , he has told you ( and not wavered from it ) that he is adamant the marriage is done.

I'm so sorry to have to say all this but it is quite heartbreaking to read all you are doing with little or nothing in return and I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for you having to live with it. To be brutal I think it's time you did as Southof France suggested and moved out , if your H wants space then this is really the only way to give it to him. It's a slim hope but maybe if you weren't around he would appreciate the loving home you provided him with.

I wish I could be more positive Lisa, I have scoured your posts looking for any clue at all that your H may be willing to try, but sadly I can't see any.I would gladly be proved wrong as you obviously love this man to bits.

Take care Lisa.

Love

Helen