Going out of my mind!

Please help, I gave birth five weeks early to a beautiful if somewhat ill baby boy 12 weeks ago he was in special care for a week and then we spent a week at my mum's then back at home for four week swhen my husband decided eight weeks ago to call the police after what seemed like a petty argument over where to keep some paperwork escalated into a shouting and slamming door row with him grabbing hold of me and then me flailing around and slapping him inadvertantly in the forehead. Suffice to say the police weren't interested and basically called him a tosser in a roundabout way and my son and I left as my husband is diagnosed psychotic although has been off the drugs for about 1 year and I don't trust him as he has lost his temper before and used his fists although I didn't tell anyone. We are now at my mum's again and for the first week he saw my son three times, each time screaming and shouting he was going to get custody, I was a crap wife, spent all his parent's money (not true it's in our renovated house!) He then said that he was going to take our 8 week old son and have him on his own, which I can't allow to happen as I found out that he sent an email full of weird stuff about the devil and god and the end days when the devil will rule the earth and he and his "male child" would give up their bodies to the devil for this purpose. He then was told by me I would only have supervised access (with this backed up by a solicitor) and he stopped seeing him. He's sent emails to our friends full of lies about how he is psychologically and physicially abused by me, he lives in the family home, won't move out to allow my son and I to live there, he has frozen the joint account, won't pay the mortgage and is threatening me on a daily basis with various things such as I must agree to sell the house or he'll let it be reposessed, he won't give us any money to live (I'm only on maternity allowance) my solicitor is good but slow and after five weeks is only just sending out a letter to my husband's solicitor. She also won't do any injunctions and I'm told by friends that we could apply for a residency order to make him move out and pay the bills in the meantime. Also all the bills and debts of about 20k are in my name and he says he won't pay them now we've split on top of all of that he's destroyed the garden by digging it up and bought a conservatory on ebay just before I went into labour! (probably the shock!) he now won't finish it and it has clearly devalued our property, please please help, I've got letters from his solicitor stating I must hand over our son to him two nights a week and over the weekend, I can't do this and solicitor says I don't but everyone is suffering!

[Helen]

Fedup,

Sorry to hear you are having such a rotten time. I sincerely hope you kept a copy of that email that he sent. If you did, my advice to you is to print it out and hand it to your solicitor. Then ask her to write to his solicitor, enclosing a copy of the email and pointing out the unbalanced nature of his communications. Then ask her to say that, coupled with his erratic, violent and destructive behaviour you absolutely cannot allow him to have unsupervised access to the baby. Basically, he has said he will give himself and 'his male child' over to the Devil. This could mean anything, including infanticide and suicide (because murder and suicide are sins and most people tend to think people who do these things end up in limbo). In other words, Hell. I don't mean to frighten you. I am just reinforcing your instincts - you cannot let your husband see the child on his own.

What advice is your solicitor giving you about regaining access to the house and obtaining financial support from your husband? You should be aware - if a solicitor is slow, this generally pushes up the price of the litigation. So I would ask her why things are taking so long and then ask her to get a move on (as it were). If she won't, settle up and find yourself a new solicitor fast.

As to your husband digging up the garden, I would not worry about it too much. This is cosmetic damage and can be put right. That said, has he obtained planning permission for the conservatory? Because if he hasn't, chances are he would have to tear it down if it was erected.

If I were you I would be thinking about divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. He may think he can languish in the house but you can force him to sell it via legal routes. Further more, the court can order him to pay you a significant chunk of the equity from the property. Next time you see your solicitor you need to let her know you are no longer interested in playing softly, softly. You have yourself and child to think about. I also have to say you do need to think about the wisdom of staying married to him. You admit he is physically violent but he also sounds completely unbalanced. I cannot imagine anyone getting so annoyed over where to keep paperwork.

If you don't mind me asking, why did he stop taking his medication and what is the nature of his psychosis?


Helen

I would agree with everything Helen has said , and in your position I'd change my solicitor immediately. Look for one that specializes in not only divorce but family law ( If you're in the UK the CAB can recommend one ). I'm no expert on law but I would think your H's e-mail would be enough to prevent him having unsupervised access especially with a child so young, so act asap.

Has your solicitor explained why she won't obtain an injunction to remove your husband from the house, or at least prevent him from doing more damage ? It sounds as though you have more than enough grounds to petition for divorce and I think this would probably be advisable given his current state of mind.

I would say he needs to be back on his medication and needs urgent medical help before he hurts himself or worse someone else.

Take care

Helen(rw)

Sorry didn't say that I was on legal aid, and the reason I was given initially for no injunctions was because of the amount of paperwork, is it true that even on legal aid you may end up paying the solicitor? Yes I do want to divorce him but the sol says that if I divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour it is likely, given is current behaviour and unreasonable requests via his sol, that he will contest the divorce and say that I am unreasonable etc etc then this will cost a fortune and drag it all out longer. I am a dreadfully impatient person and have to say I no longer love my H as he has made what should be a wonderful time in my life a living nightmare and also I no longer recognise his personality so yes I agree he should be back on the meds.

His psychosis started after he had been bedridden with ME for five years, he started to get better and had a breakdown (completely understandably) but then in 24 hours he started on about God and the Devil etc etc and they sectioned him. Once on anti-psychotics he got better but they tried to wean him off after six months and he was sectioned again. Eventually over several years (3 with me) he self medicated himself to the point he was only taking a tiny dose (as the side effects were dreadful, tiredness, facial ticks etc) he then, at my insistence, saw his psychiatrist who said it was fine to wean himself entirely. Six months later his friends, family and I saw the difference and he started wittering on about how our son was going to be born on the 6/6/06, I was 7 months pregnant and later found out about this dreadful six page email re God and Devil etc. We tried to get him to go the psychiatrist with one of us but he refused was extremely aggressive to both me and his parents but as usual they supported his decision ultimately and he saw his GP on his own and said she said it was nothing to worry about!!! Obviously I was v pregnant and didn't want to push the issue too much, stupid now with hindsight but there we go. He says he's seen his GP recently and she still says he's fine but I know he isn't and after all he could be telling her he's got a cold!!!

Should I get another solicitor, one that will get us into the house or should I just give up, we haven't a penny and my parents are currently supporting us financially but their house is on the market and looks like it might sell soon, what do we do then? Anyone know what the council will do?
Jx

Hi J

I was on legal aid when I divorced my ex husband and have to say she was fantastic , she came recommended by the CAB and specialised in family law as well as divorce. She pushed issues and didn't let them drop and the whole thing was sorted in around 8 weeks, with a further couple of weeks for the absolute.

Tell your solicitor it isn't about costing a fortune, it's about your personal safety and that of your son, which should be paramount even if you are on legal aid.

If your H has been sectioned during his psychotic episodes before then he definitely needs to be back in safe care and back on drugs to calm him. Your main concern however is to regain possession of the house so that you and your son have somewhere to live, if you take council accomodation I would say you then have no urgency to be back in the marital home and this may go against you in court.

I do know that legal aid has a financial limit, but to be honest that isn't of as much importance now as the safety of you and your son, I'd say to your solicitor bugger the paper work and get on with it, she's supposed to work in your best interests and if she isn't then find one who will.

Go to CAB, they can do a benefits check and ensure you're getting all you are entitled to as well as finding the right sort of solicitor for your needs, itmay be a battle but it's one worth fighting.

Good luck and take care

Helen ( rw )

Thanks for your support. I have today spoke to my sol and she is going to get the divorce proceedings underway and also look into an occupancy order, although she worries that I'll just have him badgering me more there, but my parents have their house on the market and intend to move into rented accommodation before they decide on their retirement plans, how can I ask them to include me and my son in their rented house? I feel very alone and afraid right now as I've taken off my wedding ring and sent an email to him saying I no longer want any communication from him only through sols. He replied some smarmy email that he still cares for me and just wants to see his son! I tried and tried to find a compromise ie me supervising or indeed twice just sitting outside the room they were in and that wasn't enough, how can I win and what can I say to my beautiful boy when he grows up and asks why his dad didn't stick around. I know my H will tell him I left with him and wouldn't let him see him etc. I just can't see how life can be even remotely happy with all the mess we're in. Jane

Hi Jane

I wouldn't worry too much about the future right now in respect of what your son will think, children aren't stupid and I'm sure he'll realise when the time comes that you were doing what was best for him. I know it's hard but try to take one day at a time and deal with each problem as it crops up rather than worrying about what might happen.

I know how you feel with regard to your parents, coincidentally my mother and step dad have just sold their large 3 bed house and are moving into a small 2 bed apartment and although due to our history it would have been unlikely I would ever have lived with them, it has made me realise that I now have one less place to go if I was desperate. However, have you asked your parents how they might feel about you staying with them in rented ?If you would be more secure then it might be worth considering, may be worth at least asking them ?

I think , due to his mental state your H is being unrealistic about saving your marriage, now that you have a child to consider you probably feel the situation to be much more sensitive as you have to consider your son's welfare as well as your own and your son is much more vulnerable to his father's mood swings .

I think with solicitor's you have to keep on top of them but also make your wishes clear, they are after all working for you whether they are being paid directly by you or not.

Your future has every chance of being happy , you just have to sort out the present , get as much support as you can , you've already taken a huge step for the good , it's not easy but try to look at the positives.

Take care

Helen