Help - Wife Lost Attraction And Ready To Leave

[CHRISH-LONDON]

We have been married for 4 years and been together for 6. I love my wife very much but over the last 6-12 months, our relationship has got worse and worse. It eventually got to the point when I confonted her and explained that I do not feel loved and feel that we have issues that we need to address. She then hit me with a massive shock and explained that she no longer loves me and feels that she no longer has any physicall attraction to me, amongst other problems. Our sex life has been pretty bad for over 1 year and I was hoping that we were having a bad patch and all would be better at some point. There are issues of sexual abuse from an early age and she is just about to start counselling to try to resolve these issues. She is very confused and upset, but is fairly sure we have no future together as she cannot see how we can over come this hurdle. all other problems can be fixed but actual physical attraction as a lover does not seem to be something we can mend. I am desperate to fix the problems what ever the sacrifices and am willing to give up anything to keep her and our son. can't sleep, can't eat and feeling very very low. I love her soooo much and just want her to be happily in love with me.

[Helen]

Chris,

Try not to panic. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself I can tell you that your wife's feelings are not all about you. The issue is she is about to start therapy for her abuse and that has thrown up all sorts of feelings, including barriers to her sexuality. She must have endured several ordeals as a child, and the way she dealt with it was to close off her feelings. Now she is trying to slay the dragon and she is doing what comes naturally - she is closing herself off emotionally. What she needs is support, reassurance and no pressure.

I am not going to say encourage her to talk because she may not be in that place yet. You will need a great deal of patience to deal with this because it isn't going to be easy. You will feel rejected, neglected and at times suffocated by her self-absorption. It isn't deliberate; it is what most of us do to get through it. The good news is this distance will not last forever. And if you are there for her and can assure her that you will always be there for her and nothing will change the way you feel about her, chances are she will open up to you - when she is ready.

Of course, the sexual abuse may not be the whole story. You mentioned 'other things'. I don't know what these things are but would suggest that you wait until she has worked on her issues for a while and then talk to her about speaking to her therapist about the timing of relationship counselling for both of you.

I hope you manage to work things out.


Helen

[phoebe]

Having been there myself, counselling is going to make things a lot worse before they get better. You start doubting your feelings about eberything. I have been in the same situation myself and believed if the attraction goes then the relationship is burnt out. I have learnt that this is not the case and it is just a case of trying to bring the spark back. Most importantly realising that marriage is not a honeymoon period the whole time. I took it to extremes and left my partner. The minute he was gone I realised it was the biggest mistake of my life and regret it to this day. However, I came across this situation with my present partner and know how to deal with it. Perhaps you could go away for a couple of weeks and see how she feels when you return. It may be a case of not knowing what youve got till its gone.