Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 11th June 2006, 10:16 AM   #1
confused43
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy will wife cheat again

My wife of 23 years cheated with a man who we met when he was on his honeymoon. over 18 months she told me it was over 5 times, even swearing on our kids lives ! Not sure if it is really over but will it reocure ????

I dote on my wife and the sex is amazing so why did she do it ???
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2006, 11:31 AM   #2
Helen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 941
Re: will wife cheat again

Hi confused43,

She did it because this man was appealing to her and because they were both up for it. I will never understand a man who gets married and cheats on his honeymoon. What is the point of getting married if you are going to cheat more or less immediately?

Will she cheat again? Only she knows. But it sounds to me as though there are quite a few unresolved issues to get into the open. You need to understand why she went with this guy in the first place. If she hasn't explained this to you, you need to ask. I would also suggest some counselling for both of you.

Incidentally, sex is not the be all and end all - even blinding sex. Sex is just a physical act. It is enjoyable but, as you have discovered, even great sex is not enough to ensure fidelity. So deeper questions are needed to get to the bottom of issues around your relationship...

Good luck with this


Helen
Helen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2006, 06:31 PM   #3
shadow
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Quote:
so why did she do it ???
This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.

Don't take ownership of others' mistakes. blaming yourself for your wife's decision to have affairs is an unfair move. even if your not the perfect husband you dont own your wife's decision to cheat.

I know how hard it is not to blame yourself, to feel so degraded, to feel that you should of done this or that. Even tho I know it had nothing to do with me, there is still a small part of "what is so wrong with me, was I that unattractive for you to do this to me, what did I not give you that could keep you happy with me? " It will eat you up. Keep telling yourself it is not your fault!!!

Will it happen again?

Only the two of you will know that answer, is this something really out of character for her? Does she show real remorse?

Her real first step is no contact with the other person. no excuses. she must be willing to do whatever and give up whatever to avoid even seeing the other man. If they belong to the same gym, time for her to switch gyms, etc..... all contact must come to a stop. She needs to be 100% commited to the marriage.

These action from my husband helped me to try and save our marriage. He accepted responsibility. He had the decency to tell me in all honesty that he owns his own choices. He is the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with me. If we wanted to fix our marriage, he had to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn my trust back one step at a time.

Then there is the commitment from the cheating spouse.
He was committed enough to me in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship. However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long he need to work at it.

Trust is the hardest part, she needs to be completely honest about everything right now, not even a little white lies. she must do whatever it takes until you find the trust again If it requires her to check in with you multiple times a day, then she needs to do it. It'll require her being where she's supposed to be, when she's supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so you can trust you again. And she does it until.

Communciations lines need to be opened now. In the beginning you will talk about it alot, you will want to know why, you will want to know the details, my husband hated talking about it, he hated to see the pain it brought me, he wanted nothing more then to sweep it under the rug and forget it happened. But he realized that I needed it. It is part of the emotional closure they need to help us with. It will hurt to hear it, but try to remain calm and really listen to your spouse. Over time these talks will get less and less. There are times when I would say god I dont want to bring it up again, I dont want to nag him about it but always glad that I did. And tho it hurts your wife to talk about it in the end it will be worth it. Finding that your spouse is willing to do whatever for you to deal with the emotional closure is a big help in saving the marriage.

And dont just talk about the affair talk about everything under the moon, dreams, weather, etc...... and really listen to each other.

It is time to turn toward each other, not away from each other. you both need to be tuned into each other feelings.

And the big question for you are you going to be able to forgive?

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does. If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your wife's face, you will eventually run her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your wife. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and be with someone who causes you pain.

Forgiving is actually easier then the forgetting. Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2006, 01:21 PM   #4
confused43
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Thanks Helen, Shadow for you help.

Let me give you the full story so you may understand were I am at this yime.

We have been together for 28 years,since my wife was 14 and I 17. Before we married and for a few years after I still saw other women,which she knew but never said anything.
We met this really good-looking guy whilst he was on his honeymoon who lived only 12 miles from us.I noticed then he was attracted to my wife but thought that was all it was.
2 weeks after returning home my wife informed me he had called by for a coffee, again I thought nothing of it. 3 weeks later I noticed my wife was loosing wieght ( not that she needs too) and looking glowing. I wondered for some time what was going on and decided to check her mobile. There were very discriptive texts to/from him. When I questioned her she said she was trying to get her own back for all the things I had done in the past. After some thought I told her I understood and to carry-on seeing him so as to"get it out of her system"
After she would see him she would tell me what took place,insisting there was no sex involved.
I was finding it difficult dealing with all this and she said she would end it.
Some weeks later I caught her out again and said the same as before but please not to tell me lies.
This has been repeated some 5 times now and I am awaiting for it to reoccure.She now knows most of my tricks that I used to catch her out previously and I am not sure if anything is going on now,she says NO but I have no way to know as she has repeatedly lied to me before only to be caught-out. Is she being very clever and careful or is it really over.
I once caught her on tape telling him she loved him, that really hurt !
Did I do the right thing by letting her see him.Why did she feel the need to hide things from me when she had my approval.
Its driving me mad !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2006, 06:02 PM   #5
Helen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 941
Re: will wife cheat again

Confused43,

I find it hard to believe that your wife has waited so long for her 'revenge'. If what you were doing with these other women really bothered her, she would have done something before now. She also would never have married you, much less tolerated what you were doing into the marriage. I suspect this is about him making her feel attractive again. But she is using your past exploits to justify her actions now. It also sounds as though she is not ready to give up this man because he makes her feel good - and you don't.

Do you take your wife for granted? Are you switched on about her emotional needs? When last did you tell her she was beautiful - outside the bedroom? When last did you romance her? Women need romance, even after we are married. Otherwise we feel like sexual objects. And when last did you REALLY talk to her? Have you ever discussed your associations with these women? Do you talk about anything and nothing in particular? It sounds like you haven't. Maybe your wife has spent much of your marriage feeling like she was second best to these women. A babymaker (albeit with a ring on her finger). Maybe she spent a long time putting herself down because she wasn't enough for you. Now, all of a sudden, another man has come along and he is giving her attention...all the things you never gave her (i.e. your singleminded attention...).

I do think you were foolish to sanction this association (just as I think you were foolish to see other women outside your marriage) but I would not beat yourself up about it. Done is done. The question is what can you do to rectify things from now on? You could start by talking to her about what is going on. What does this man do for her? What attention is he giving her that you are not? Then ask yourself if you could ever fulfill this role. Because if you can't, chances are she will not be willing to stop seeing this man because he is giving her what she needs - it sounds like this is what is happening at the moment. She lies to you because she knows it is wrong and she doesn't want to hurt you - but it is addictive too.

If you can, I suggest you start being what she needs. Because if you don't, she will not give up this man - and she will continue to lie about her association with him.

Incidentally, I would be VERY surprised if there was no sex involved...


Helen
Helen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th June 2006, 12:07 PM   #6
confused43
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Dear Helen

I dont think you understand, for the last 17 years I have been the perfect husband. I am romantic ( outside the bedroom), flowers, for no reason, weekend breaks in romantic hotels(when we can find someone who can have the kids).I tell her I love her and how lucky I am to have such a fantastic,good looking wife etc. I help with all housework,cook most of the meals etc. go for long walks and talk about everything with her. She is my solemate !!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes i think you are right,she was balled-over by this hunky,goodlooking man taking time to chat her up and risk all to meet her. But the fact is I dont understand why she needed to keep lying to me once it was in the open ???
She said she never wanted to leave me but she was willing to take the risk a number of times that I would'nt leave her!
The last text I ever saw to him was " if you ever fancy a quick .... then give me a call"
I think that it has slowed down now and she is picking her moments with him more carefully but deep down Iam sure she still sees him(which she denies ).
My trust in her has gone which is what I hate this guy for more than anything ! I feel like revenge but his new wife has just had a baby and its not her fault so I dont wish to hurt her.
Any ideas ?????????????
  Reply With Quote
Old 15th June 2006, 01:39 PM   #7
Dave
Administrator
 
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 1,103
Re: will wife cheat again

Take a look at some of the resources under "Infidelity and affairs" where I think you may find answers to quite a few of your questions.

Dave
Dave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th June 2006, 03:25 PM   #8
rubyshoes
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Confused I can understand just why you're confused by your wife's behaviour, it must be a very lonely time for you. I've been with my husband since I was 18 and he was 22, as I said, 26 years married so there's quite a similarity between our stage of marriage although my two children are 23 and 25 so we are well beyond the babysitting problems.

From a womans point of view I think after a long time married, extramarital sex is just about excitement (yes I've been tempted) but unless the chance is put on a plate I don't think women tend to stray as much. Have you tried talking to this man she is seeing and asking him if he wants to risk losing his wife? I think you're right not to tell his wife, for the right reasons.

If I've ever been given attention by another man my husband tells me it makes him feel flattered to be married to me but if they come on a bit strong he goes very alpha male about it and gives off the old "this is MY wife " signals by hugging me etc.

Have you told your wife how much she's hurting you or asked her outright if she really wants to risk losing you?

You say she blames you for her behaviour but that's rubbish and just an excuse as other people have said. You can't go on blaming people for your own bad behaviour and she is treating you badly. You could always try my tactic of telling her that you've been talking to good friends and they have agreed with you that she is treating you cruelly, hurting you and they think you're worth much, much more than that!
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 06:36 AM   #9
confused43
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Smile Re: will wife cheat again

Thanks for the kind words rubyshoes but no one has answered my question.

"will see keep on seeing him if she can"

Best of luck with your marriage, keep in touch and let me know if I may be of any assistance.

PS I live in Gloucestershire, so if you ever would like to meet to compare our problems,if your not too far away.

Thanks again.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 07:36 AM   #10
shadow
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Quote:
"will see keep on seeing him if she can"
Only if you allow it too. Look at your situation and ask yourself if you are willing to settle for this.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your wife needs to know what those standards are. Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your wife is doing what she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

Let her know how the way things are going is uncomfortable for you, That it is time to stop playing games. That is what it is for using what you did many many years ago as a excuse, that is like grounding your child at the age of 12 for something they did when they was five.
All it is a excuse to get away with what she is doing.

Stand firm and say that you love her and want to make the marriage right and the first thing that needs to be done is firmly say no more contact with the other man, no excuses, no phone calls, nothing. All contacts must come to a stop immediately. There is no more second chances if she does, cause it is not showing any respect to your marriage. That you will leave before you allow her to continue.

Start the road to your recovery, meet each others needs, start communication. Turn toward your partner to fix the problems, stay tuned into each others feeling.

There is no promises that she will quit. Yes she can and keep her promises but it is all up to her.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 09:32 AM   #11
rubyshoes
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Hi confused, I agree with Shadow that it's time to put your foot down and lay it on the line. I know you're probably scared that you may lose your wife if you are too pushy but I would rather know the truth than live in uncertain hell. Carry on being loving but be truthful with her about your feelings. No it's true you don't know if she will stop seeing this man, my husband says he'll stop seeing the other woman but I don't know for sure. All I can do is to be me and hope, remain strong and keep fighting.

I know it's tempting to want to meet, it's a horribly lonely time but all the support you need is on this forum and this is safe. When you are vunerable it's best to hold back. We are away on holiday for a few days but I'll come back and talk when we're back. I'm dreading the holiday, feeling the way I do but it will be a good time to at least talk things over with my husband, although I may not get the answers I'm hoping for.

Hold on to the fact that you have true friends here who want to support you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 10:16 AM   #12
Helen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 941
Re: will wife cheat again

Confused43,

I agree with what has been said by the last two posters. If you tolerate the situation and have given it tacit approval (your second post), your wife will carry on seeing this guy. That said, if you try to put your foot down and break it up, be prepared for your wife to throw your associated flings before you married and in the early days in your face and question your right to demand anything of her. I am not saying she would be right to do this. But she may feel indignant, especially as she knew you were messing around on her for a while.

'Model husband' or not, the fact is, you did cheat (you have admitted this) and a part of me feels that what is happening to you now is poetic justice. But that doesn't make it right and has to stop if your marriage (and the other man's) are going to continue. Your anger towards him is interesting. How do you think your wife felt about the other women you were involved with? I know she has said she is paying you back for what you did but did you ever ask her?


Helen
Helen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 10:50 AM   #13
confused43
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Thanks for all you advice.

Rubyshoes
Have a good holiday and I hope things can be put right between you . If, when you get back you are still suspect of him, you can buy some soft/hardware (which I already have) that allows you to read deleted texts.Hope it does'nt come to that.

Bye for now and maybe we'll talk again.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th June 2006, 11:49 PM   #14
rubyshoes
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Thanks confused. Of course we'll talk again. He's fallen asleep again tonight, well what a surprise. Such interest in me again. Talk to you soon.
Rubyshoes
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th June 2006, 03:08 PM   #15
rubyshoes
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: will wife cheat again

Hi
Are you ok?
Holiday went well but I don't think he'll stop seeing her. Did you say you know some ways of checking emails etc. I'd appreciate some ways of knowing for sure if he's cheating on me.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:25 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2014 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer