Husband wants to use drugs

Hello, I am hoping to get some honest advice. Everyone on here seems to be brutally honest and I may need that right now. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now, no kids and we're both still pretty young. (I'm 21 and he's 24) I've met his family and his realm of friends and know he was pretty heavy into pot before he got into the military. I asked him this morning if he thought he may want to get back into it after he got out. He has a cousin that I saw get high right in front of his newborn. I think that's unbelievably irresponsible. Both our father's are deadbeats because of the drug and therefore, I don't feel I want my life to live with someone like that, and most of all I didn't want our kids, (whenever they came) to be around that either. I told him flat out that if he wanted to get back into pot that I didn't think I wanted kids with him. Maybe that was a bit harsh, but Neither of my parents were there for me growing up and I just want to make certain before I have mine that we will be there for them. Well, my husband kind of blew up and this statement turned to "you're questioning your love" & "if you don't want kids than you'll just leave me". I don't really feel those ways at all, I was just wondering about how our future was going to be. Now he thinks I don't love him and he has to "walk on eggshells" (his words) because he wonders what else I'll leave him for if I'll leave him for something as "stupid" as him smoking. First, I never said I would leave, and second I just wanted to make sure that our kids would have the best lives that we could possibly give them with out a deadbeat father like we both had. I don't know if this makes sense or if anyone can relate, but any advice would be helpful. Am I overreacting to say I shouldn't have children with him? Thanks to all in advance.



Tammi

Tammi, you're only doing the right thing. Tell him further that you will not stay married to a man who uses illegal drugs and it's all about family. If he gets back into drugs, he knows it's illegal and he will be a deadbeat. If he can't handle it then move on and find yourself a winner. There's no future in drugs for him, you or your family. Good luck but give him some tough love. Ron

Thanks Ron for your response. I did tell my husband that I would consider leaving him but then he turned it into me not loving him enough and me holding our relationship real low where I would leave him over something so "stupid", especially if he only does it "once and a while". Now he feels that I'm trying to change him into a "church boy" because I made him cut back on his drinking before we got married. I love this man very much, but is it too much to expect the best for my life or our life for the future? He says he's not going to end up like our father's and he wont get addicted. How much should I believe, if any?

Tammi, nobody has any intentions of getting addicted, it just happens. What he is wanting to do is against the law and he will eventually end up in jail. Drugs are nothing but misery for the user and the family. Get him to change or leave him. Tell him you love him and if he really loves you he'll give up drugs to keep you. If not, he doesn't deserve you and there will be a very special person out there who would love to have you. The choice is his, not yours. You're doing the right thing for the right reasons and please don't change. Good luck!

Tammi I'm in a similar boat, but its over cigarettes, not pot. In my situation I belive there is more at hand.... In any case, I have a choice to make, and that is to quit smoking or my wife will leave forever! Even though she is guilty of smoking too, she would share a cigarette with me from time to time.... (so ya there is more issues that haven't come up yet.)

However I know I have to change something, why is my wife getting upset with me? It may not be the smoking, but I have to start somewhere.

I have to set the example. Show my wife that she means everything to me... so the cigarettes are gone, on come the patches!!!

Ron is right, we don't have intentions of getting addicted it just happens. In no way does this justify my Smoking. Its a bad and filthy habit that could end my marriage to a wonderful human being. When all she is doing is trying to look out for my well being and my health, what more could I want from a woman who cares for me in such a way.

Lets put it this way, if I continue smoking - what is stopping me from trying pot now that I've smoked a cigarettes for a year. If I smoke pot, whats stopping me from trying something else like Heroine?

I don't know about you, but have you ever been really drunk that you were brave enough to try something? Say like Ecstacy? Have you ever been "HIGH" enough to try something like Crystal Meth?

Sure it may only be pot or cigarettes for now? Ask yourself - what happens when he's at a party and someone brings a mysterious bag into the circle! We've been smoking up for a while and feeling a bit brave? DARN RIGHT WE ARE BRING ON THE NEW STUFF!

It doesn't stop there! Eventually it may lead to something else, do you want to be around when it does? There is no - "Maybe it won't" - temptation is always going to be there.

I don't know if this helped, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to lose my wife over a cigarette when all she is worried about is my health. Sure there are other issues, but I have to start someplace. Instead of smoking, I could be spending time with my wife at a movie or dinner. (All the money you save)

What I'm trying to say is HOLD YOUR GROUND! So like your husband and I, If we are complete dumb dumbs and give up our wives for a SMOKE... We deserve what we get!


Good luck, I hope things work out. Take Care
ZED

Hi Tammi

I think you need to turn it back around onto your husband. He's say that you don't love him enough when really it's all about the drugs. You may need to say to him that maybe he doesn't love you enough to think of your future and your potential children's future for the fact that he would even consider taking drugs. Ask him to think of his childhood!

He should think of getting a less deadly hobby.

Tan

A little update. I told my husband this past weekend that if he wanted to get high in the future that I wanted a divorce. (I didn't really, I just wanted to stand my ground), but to him he felt I was controlling him and trying to change who he was. This is someone who he "use" to be, not who he is now, and I never knew who he was prior military. All he said was he can't promise something he can't keep, and I said I couldn't promise I'd be there when he did decide to get high. It was kind of left at that. I mean, I see both points of view, he was upset because I could end our marriage over "who he is" (His words) but I feel he doesn't love me enough if he can end things with me just to keep his options open to get high or not. I feel so second hand.

Originally Posted by Tammi

A little update. I told my husband this past weekend that if he wanted to get high in the future that I wanted a divorce. (I didn't really, I just wanted to stand my ground), but to him he felt I was controlling him and trying to change who he was. This is someone who he "use" to be, not who he is now, and I never knew who he was prior military. All he said was he can't promise something he can't keep, and I said I couldn't promise I'd be there when he did decide to get high. It was kind of left at that. I mean, I see both points of view, he was upset because I could end our marriage over "who he is" (His words) but I feel he doesn't love me enough if he can end things with me just to keep his options open to get high or not. I feel so second hand.

Well, it comes down to how much you value your kids and your own self-worth vs. "accepting" someone who says he loves but enough to give up something that will harm the kids and his judgement.

What happns the day you need to leave the kids with him and he decides to get high to escape the "noise"?

What happens if he smokes around the children and they take in the second-hand smoke?

What happens if he's too wasted one night and goes off to someone else becuase he was high?

You need to stand your ground (and be prepared to walk out if he does not give it up), else your relationship with this guy and your self-worth as a wife and mother will literally go up in smoke.