Can't get past my anger - help pse

Hi,

I've posted on here before so I'd ask you out there who have tried to offer advice and help before to pse bear with me.

To cut a long story short, I left my GF after 8yrs for another woman. We had been having heavy problems for some time but make no mistake, rather than keep trying to resolve them I left her for another.

After about 2 months I tried to get back together with her but she had started seeing and sleeping with another guy. They broke up and we have been trying to fix things but I can't move forward and am angry and resentful all the time.

During the time I was away my GF slept with the other guy in our (my) house and of course in my bed. This hurts me more than I can explain and it fills me full of anger toward her as I now feel really bad about sleeping in our house with her. Also during the time we were trying to get back together I found two emails to him asking to get back together with him, telling him how much she loves him, really fell for him, and if she got back with me it would be for the wrong reasons. She dismisses the content of the emails as lies just to keep a tie with him, kind of 'keep her options open 'as she was unsure about me coming back for good.

He'd written back to her that he didn't want to go as fast as she did in their relationship and that's why they broke up. That says to me that he walked away from it, not her breaking up with him to get back together with me as she's told me.

We've now been living together for about 2 months and I am so full of resentment and anger becuase I think she only came back becuase he didn't want to know. Our sex life has now hit a complete standstill, it's my fault, I just can't bring myself to be affectionate or aroused even becuase I constantly have this doubt about him and them in my mind. It's getting worse over time, not better, and I just don't know what to do.

If I walk away and she is telling me the truth ie it was a rebound thing she deeply regrests, and she did finish it to get back with me, then I may regret it for the rest of my life. If the emails were true ie pledging love and pleading with him to go back to her, then whenever he decides to come back she'll go back with him.

Let me say again, I was the one who walked in the 1st place, I take responsibility for that. It still doesn't help me though to get my feelings back for her or lose the anger and resentment I feel.

As I said, apologies to the posters who have heard this before, I'm sorry to burden this on you again, I've simply nobody to talk to about it and I don't know what to do. I work abroad Mon - Fri so can't even go and see a councillor but I am considering the Samaritans as it's starting to really affect me.

tks all,
Murray

I am really sorry for my post I dont think it is what you are looking for to hear :-(

As a BS I do understand the pain and anger you are going thru, why else you think I am up at this time of night. I have forgiven my husband that is the easiest part it is the forgetting that is hard, and sometimes I have trigger moments and it bring back all the pain, anger etc..... this is the third night in row I cant sleep cause I cant get images out of my head. So I do understand how you do feel.

I can understand, but I cant feel sorry for you..... :-(

It was WRONG what she did, I can understand tho, when I found out that my husband had a one night stand, I did have moments that I wanted to go and do it with some one else so he knew how it fel eye for eye kind of thing, from what I understand it is a normal reaction. Cause when a loved one cheats on you they do more then break the trust they make that person feel low, you bring their self esteem down to the lowest point, and they wrongfully blame themselves that they are ugly or whatever, and they want reassurance that they are still wanted and attractive, so where going out to find someone comes in place. This so very normal, but how to react to the feelings is important, I fought the impluse cause I didnt want to lower my self to the standard that my H did when he had the affair. I wanted to be a bigger person.

So yes it could of been a rebound thing, you destroyed her self confidence and she gave into the impluses of something that is normal when you find out your spouses cheated on you. But I am not defending her, cause 2 wrongs dont make a right.

Dont you think she is feeling the same way??? Everything that is running thru your mind, every emotion you feel she is feeling too. You basically got a taste of your own medicine.

But it can still work out for both of you. You started it by being the first to break the trust. I am glad to hear that you do admit to that. So you should be the first to trying to make the realationship work. Tell her your sorry and ask for forgivness, Be prepared to doing anything to show her your sorry and want to gain her trust back. Be very honest, even a little white lie on anything is a very big no no right now. She needs to do the same thing for her actions too. You both need to put the other in front of youselves for now.

There is nothing that you can do with the roller coaster of emotions that you are going thru, it is all part of the painful grieving that you have to go thru to heal. They say it takes 2 years after a affair to get the realation back to somewhat a good state again.

If a image pops into your head, what I do is try to replace it with a good memory, and if my husband is at home he seems to pick up on it and we will quietly talk about good times, or future plans, or just go for a walk holding hands. With time they will get farther and farther apart, but still there will be trigger moments that will all bring it back rushing in.

Commincation is very very important right now, talk and talk and talk, about what had happened and everything else under the moon.

And keep in mind whatever feeling you are going thru she is too.

Sex dont worry about that right now, communication will get things bottled up in you out and that will really help, and doing little things to show you love each other, bonding times, like walks, bubble baths, holding hands while watching movies, it will come back, especially when the communication starts, to me it sounds like you both have to much bottled up and it is putting a wall behind you.

Know I wasnt much help but hope something I said helped a little

Hi Shadow,

many, many tks for your note. It has helped me try to understand. I have forgiven her, I know it must have been even tougher for her to forgive me as I was the one who started it all, but you're right its the forgetting that I can't seem to handle. I have this thought that I'm second best to this other guy (the original theme of my first post) and feel that he's haunting me wherever I go.

Our bedroom is a miserable place for me, the memories or more rightly visions of him and her making love in that bed just totally dampen any desire I feel, and the memory of seeing him in my house one evening that I'd gone over just won't leave me.

I really don't think I can go on with it much longer, I just can't see anyway that I'll ever forget that she made love with somebody in our house and our bed.

It kills me every day. I know that I have to take this 'punishment'on the chin, it just screws me up totally.

best wishes,
Murray

[jools]

Maybe you need a fresh start in a new bed (easily done) and if that doesn't work a new home (not so easily done). Just a thought!
Jools.
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LovelyWendie99

Hi Jools, we'd thought about both options. In fact she turned the bedroom completely around, re-arranged everything, brought new bedding etc etc so I know she's trying. Sadly it still didn't work. We've thought about buying a new house and making a real fresh start but I don't know if I have the same feelings anymore and therefore simply changing house would mean a load of upheavel and expense only for it to fail straight away.

As I've said I work away from home and she comes over to stay at weekends i'm not home but it still doesn't change anything. It's the feeling of being 2nd best after she was dumped by him that haunts me + the visions of them together.

It's my fault, I can't simply believe that what they did was 'sterile and unemotional ' as she puts it and that she finished with him to come back to me. The emails are a complete contradiction to this and I have the same re-occuring doubts about her and him all the time.

I'm sorry for harping on and on about this, selfishly, it's a comfort to be able to 'talk' to somebody about this, at least it allows me to vent what I feel inside.

tks again,
Murray

[jools]

We've thought about buying a new house and making a real fresh start but I don't know if I have the same feelings anymore and therefore simply changing house would mean a load of upheavel and expense only for it to fail straight away.

Oh dear. That doesn't sound too promising. You seem to be thinking of this relationship as a bit of a non-starter. Maybe you just need a fresh start with someone else.
Jools
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TOYS BONDAGE

[Helen]

Murray,

You have been struggling with this for a while and you do not seem to have moved any further forward. Your options are pretty clear. You either buy a new bed - but I suspect then the fixation would be 'they did it in my house'. Or you buy a new house. But I suspect the real issue is she slept with this guy and your suspicion (which is possibly unfounded) that she would prefer to be with him. I think the bed/bedroom/house is a red herring.

If she wanted to be with him (and was presumably prepared to take things at a slower pace, which is what he asked for), she would be with him. She is with you. Can't you accept that?

If not, as Jools states, perhaps it is time to think about parting permanently. No point telling us how much you love her. If you love her, RESOLVE to put this behind you. Have counselling if necessary - either alone or together. But what you cannot do is continue in a non-relationship. It is not the way forward for either of you.


Helen

Hi Helen, nice to hear from you again.

I know you're 100% right, it's not really about the bed/house/bedroom, it's about him. I know that, the bed etc is simply a trigger that reminds of it.

I also understand your point, and it's a bloody good one, that if she wanted to be with him then she would have gone at a slower pace but chose not to. My problem is that I believe he finished it with her and she's come back to me for the wrong reasons which is what the emails said.

I think she did and does want to be with him but he's not interested, I think from what she's told me about how he behaved with her and the lack of any type of commitment he gave her that he saw her as a lonely 'new girl' behind the bar and (crudely) 'thought he'll have some'.

When he got fed up with her and/or she wanted more than occasional sex when he wanted it, he dumped her. This is exactly what she said in the em's to him.

I know what you mean about if I love her resolve it, but I feel she only loves me as a substitute for him and that's why I'm hung up about it.

You're absolutely right about it being a non relationship as well, I know it's true, I'm just waiting for something to change but I don't know what or how it will.

I'm scared Helen. If I walk away and have got it wrong I'll regret it forever, if I stay and have got it wrong I'll (seemingly) have this to deal with for a very, very, long time.

I know what I should do - walk away and re-build my life elsewhere, I'm just scared. That's all. I'm not asking for, nor expect any sympathy, I'm just trying to 'talk'it out with somebody and don't know how else to do it.

best wishes,
Murray

[Helen]

Murray,

I have touched on this before. I suspect she clung to this man because he was, literally, a knight in shining armor. At least, she thought he was at first. He 'rescued' her from her misery. After you left I have no doubt she felt like s**t. Ugly, unworthy, all of those things. And along came this guy and swept her off her feet. I also said previously that many of us women on here did similar things. We met new guys, either by going out or via online dating. And they seemed like our saviours because they made us feel desireable and worthy again. It sounds to me like the scales have fallen from her eyes and she now realises that this man was using her for sex. Bottom line. She thought she needed him because he made her feel better after she was abandoned. But the reality, retrospect, tells her he was using her. And she was using him, although she probably didn't feel that way at the time. She was using him because she needed to feel wanted and needed and he did all of those things for her and enabled her to forget about the pain of your abandonment.

Perhaps it was not adviseable for her to sleep with him in your home/your bed but you have already admitted that this isn't the issue. Not really. The real issue was she found him so quickly. She seemed to be 'in love' with him (although I think infatuated would be more accurate). And you think she would be with him if he hadn't rejected her. I think the reality is somewhat different. I have no doubt the scales would have fallen from her eyes eventually. It sounds to me as though they already were. She wanted something more than sex. And he was not willing to give it. She would not have put up with that situation indefinitely.

I think you are beating yourself up for nothing. You can talk about seeing them together in your head but what pictures do you think she has of you and your former girlfriend in her head? It goes both ways. Yes, there might be outrage that she lined up your 'replacement' so quickly. I would say you lined up her 'replacement' quicker! I don't mean to be flippant but I think you are focusing on the fact that she had this shortlived affair a bit too much. It didn't matter. She knows that now and this is what she is telling you. Yes, it probably mattered to her at the time but only because she saw this man as her beacon. He no longer is in her eyes.

Would you be making a mistake to walk away? I think you would but the situation you are both in is untenable. Her eyes and fidelity are now yours for the taking. But you are letting the past consume you. Put this relationship firmly where it belongs - in the past. It is over. It doesn't matter what she said in the emails. What matters is what she is saying now. If you are seriously worried, ask her what she would do if he tried to get back with her tomorrow. I think you would be surprised. Sometimes too much water passes under a bridge as a result of inactivity for any kind of future. She has no future with this man. In the back of her mind would always be - does he want me back for me or for sex? If she has any sense, she will know it is the latter. The situation is a non-starter.

It is up to you what happens from hereonin. It sounds to me as though she wants to be with you, she is taking all the right action and is saying all the right things. You are having a problem believing her. You need to ask yourself why this is, and why it matters so much, in the face of compelling evidence to the contrary.


Helen

Murray - I see you are back again and still "struggling" with the issue. Why are you starting a new thread - did you not go over our responses from the last time? Nothing has changed.

You're better off leaving her alone if you can't accept the fact that her subsequent actions were due to you abandoning her and telling it's over. Now that you come crawling back, you have the audacity to tell her that you can't get over the fact that another man "was there". She should tell you the same. Sorry for the harsh words, but you are a hypocritical person.

In case you need reminding YOUR ORIGINAL POST

Look Murray, your choices are very simple -

- get professional help
- get a new bed (although you'll still say things "aren't" the same
- get a new house (but you will say you're not sure if you still love her enuff for that)
- leave her alone (preferred option for all)

You are still being a hypocrite about things. REMEMBER THAT!!! You left her for another girl then came crawling back to her - and now you have issues about her being with someone else in the house you ABANDONED?

Not only that, but your GF is doing all she can to accomodate you and help you get through this. You are just looking for an excuse not to be with her but still blame her for things. Incredible.

Dude, your issues stem deep down inside you. Get help or get out.

Hi, have just read this and the previous earlier post.
I cannot help comparing you to my ex....I wont go into details here as they are available elsewhere on the site if you're interested.
To me it sounds like you only want her cos you realised somebody else "had" her.
I think you should leave her alone to sort her head out.After twelve months of misery I am, hopefully, getting over what my ex put me through. He constantly changed his mind over where our relationship was going. He was just like you....once he had me back right where he wanted me he wasn't interested. Now I am happier without him.
Leave her alone to make her own mind up.
Ann

Annie you made a good point there I didnt think of

To me it sounds like you only want her cos you realised somebody else "had" her

That is probably what did make him come back.

I can understand why she did what she did, it is still not right, but it is understandable and you need to find whatever way to get over this, without putting the blame all on her.

Works make it hard for you to see a couslor, then take some time off. Me and my hubby only went to a few, but those few he said that impacted us and made us think then from there we continued on our own to pratice what he said.

Thanks all, London, as candid as ever but I still appreciate it. Helen, again, tks for putting so much effort in. Shadow, Jools and Annie, tks also.

Ih has helped me focus the mind on what the real problem is, the real problem I have is insecurity. I agree with the reasons she went with the other guy, can also forgive her for it as I cast the 1st stone and left her for another so I take full responsibility. The problem then is my lack of belief that she wanted tro come back to me for me and not becuase he didn't measure up to her expectations or desires. I think she did find him very good for her but he wanted something other than a relationship ie just a few rolls in the hay etc. When she wanted more commitment from him he left as it wasn't what he wanted and I was the next best thing.

We are in a terrible state right now and it's not getting any better at all. I fear for the future, I just can't see how we can resolve this. She now wants to throw bullets at me about what I did to make her do what she did etc and seemingly doesn't care about my opinion or feelings about him, in fact she told me exactly that.

I'm home this weekend so I guess we'll try and communicate but it's awful at the moment.

tks all,

Murray

[jools]

OK, no marriage, no kids and not much of a relationship to talk about. I reckon, stop torturing the two of you and get out now. I honestly can't see any other way forward...short of a lobotomy. Don't mean to be mean, but I reckon that's about the size of it.
Jools. (Good luck!)
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MOTORCYCLE TIRES

[Helen]

Originally Posted by Murray

She now wants to throw bullets at me about what I did to make her do what she did etc and seemingly doesn't care about my opinion or feelings about him, in fact she told me exactly that.

Being honest, I am with her on this. Your opinion is irrelevant. You could not possibly have the gall to comment on what she did when you were apart - could you? She only did what she did because you left. She is probably tired of listening to you bleat on about it as well. You say 'we are in a terrible state'. No, YOU are in a terrible state and you are inflicting it on her.

I agree with Jools. It's time to throw in the towel.

Edit: I wanted to add that when you came to this forum you outlined this issue and asked for an objective view. The objective views are all saying more or less the same thing. Yet you keep coming back to ask the same question! Do you think any of us are going to say something different? Or perhaps you feel if you ask the same question often enough, someone will agree with your point of view? Murray, it isn't going to happen and I am not surprised your partner isn't interested in your feelings or opinions when it comes to this particular matter. Ultimately, what she did when you were apart is none of your business.

As far as I am concerned, you are going round in circles with this. You keep asking the same question/making the same statements and you seem unable to accept the advice you are asking for. And you keep getting the same advice. Over and over. I do feel sorry for your partner because you seem to think she did something wrong. She didn't. What it boils down to is your rage at the fact that she had the nerve to sleep with, and have feelings for, someone else. Well, so did you - and you did it first. Do not dare try to apply a double standard to your partner. Try to have your cake and eat it. You are behaving as though she cheated on you and she didn't. Get over it or ship out. My gut feeling though is it really is time to move on.



Helen