Am I a controlling husband?

[AndrewY]

Hi there all.

Back for more advice (or is it just to write things down...). My previous post explained that my wife of 9 years has fallen in love with another man. It has been platonic, so far. She wants us to stay together and has agreed to stop their mutual activities and not to meet up with him. However, there are still opportunities for them to meet in the normal course of our lives, specifically taking my son to his choir and helping out at the choir. She can avoid these opportunities by me doing them all. I have suggested this and she has become very angry and claims that I am trying to control her and dictate what she does. She claims that the meetings with this man will be trivial and not constitute an ongoing relationship. I am of the view that when a relationship reaches this state (ie shall has fallen in love) any contact or communication is non-trivial and is continuing the relationship. He certainly thinks so and is very keen to meet up, even on these trivial occasions.

I don't want to impose these things on her. I want her to decide to write off this relationship and I believe that no contact is what is required to do this both for our marriage and also as a signal to the other man. My question really is whether readers think I am gratuitously controlling her or whether, in the circumstances, this kind of draconian cut-off is required or at least reasonable to ask for. Thanks.

A

Hi Andrew
You are not a controlling husband at all, I think the suggestion you made to your Wife is a good one.
I have a sneaky feeling - forgive me for saying so - she wants her cake AND eat it.
She wants to see this man because she enjoys the excitment probably.
One other option is you could allow her to go along, but go WITH her?

regards
greeneyes

in the circumstances, this kind of draconian cut-off is required or at least reasonable to ask for. Thanks.

AndrewY - the moderators have tonnes of articles they can point you towards that will suggest in order for the two of you to move ahead with reconiciling your marriage (if that is the true goal of both of you - and it seems she's on the fence) she would need to cut-off all ties with the OM. It's not the easiest thing to do bc right now to her, he represents a confidante which she may not be willing to let go of. If she's serious, then she needs to do that. Else, it's a moot point. So, in answer to your question, yes it will appear to be "draconian" to her, but it's a necessary thing to help progress the two of you.

[Ginger God]

Andrew if this is the only type of control you are insisting on then what you are suggesting is fine by me. I assume your normal day to day relationship does not involve total control from you.

Cutting to the chase............ I think she is making a fool of you, it will go on and on and on until she has a full blown affair and then what are you going to do?

Graham

[AndrewY]

Ginger God,

I've lost perspective on what 'controlling' is to be honest. We have relatively little conflict generally and I don't feel as if I avoid conflict as a rule. If she does have a full blown affair I will still want to stick around and try and get through it. I have four children who need me and at the moment I would rather 'downgrade' my marriage to a sham rather than leave them. Quite how or if I can do that without ending up hating my wife I don't know but I'm certainly not doing anything rash until or if she categorically decides our marriage is over and she must live with this man. I hear too many stories of misery after separation to think that is an easy option so before I consider it I want to be very sure there is nothing to salvage.


A

[AndrewY]

Ginger God,

I realised that I didn't answer whether I am controlling or not. I'm almost certain that I am not in our day to day lives. I do not remember ever asking her to do something she didn't want to do (until now) for example. I realise there are other ways of getting your own way (such as emotional blackmail) and I'm pretty sure I haven't done that (until now if being upset about this relationship and her seeing him can be considered emotional blackmail).

What I have done is been somewhat insecure about some (maybe 2 or 3)previous friendships she has had. This amounted to a bit of grumpiness before we were married and some internal (I'm pretty sure) anxiety over say the last 5 years. But none of this has resulted in any explicit attempt to control her behaviour and has been so trivial (watching her a bit at a dinnner party and then forgetting it all 10 minutes later) that I can't believe this amounts to controlling behaviour.

However, this has not been true of this relationship. When I first found out they were emailing each other regularly (4 or 5 times a day) I was very upset and insecure. However, even then I went on for weeks asking her not to change her behaviour and assuming that it was my problem (which it was to a great extent because they were then still only friends). It was only when they began meeting up that I began to say: please do something different. Even then I was just asking her to have a less intense friendship (ie do your choir, talk to him but just don't meet up with him at other times and email him every day). This clearly is imposing on her behaviour and looking back I don't know whether it was the right thing to do. Certainly she has perceived me as trying to control her behaviour and a lack of trust in this relationship from the start.

As I said I've lost track of what 'controlling' is. But I'm certainly at the point now where I'm prepared to say: no more please or I will be very unhappy. Do I sound like a sap? When I re-read this it seems so....

A

[Ginger God]

Andrew mate...............



Find my post Should I End It........... I tried to live with her just for the kids....you wont be able to do it. I tried everything you did..it doesnt work.I am 4 weeks away from moving out.........I have bought my own house........next week we tell the kids. I hate her guts purely because of what we are..sorry what she is about to put the kids through.

I am a good hands on Dad and I am sure you are, get shot of her now........I cant wait perversely really till I am free from her.

My kids will be fine in the long run.

You have to have courage.......I am what I would describe as weak..but I was faced with the most monumental life changing decision to make.....and I made it all on my own.

If you want to chat one to one gingergod13@yahoo.co.uk.

Stick in mate.



Graham

[AndrewY]

GingerGod,

Appreciate your post. Thanks.

I can see why you're pessimistic and obviously you have gone through a lot of pain. But that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary pain. From what I read it seems to me that you can walk away from her pretty confident that you did all you could to hold the family together and salvage your relationship (i'm sure you've made slips and said things you wish you hadn't but Christ we're only human). That is bloody important. Sitting here I would rather go through all that pain (as you have) than walk away and abandon the chance of recovery. My only problem with that strategy is the building up of hatred that you describe. At the moment the relationship with my wife is cordial and pretty positive almost all the time. However, I find it hard to give all the love I feel I used to when I know she is carrying on a relationship with someone else. Can this turn into hatred or at least a destruction of love? I think it probably does. My strategy, and I'd be interested in your views, is to try and understand what this man is delivering, try and deliver it myself, keep on going for at least 6 months or until I feel the 'hatred' beginning to undermine how I'm behaving. If her other relationship is still going strong at that point then I will go and cut a deal with my children who are, as you rightly picked up, an enormously important part of my life. Then I will withdraw entirely from her and she can truly weight the two relationships up. High risk, at that point, but as you rightly point out, you can waste your life and end up hating each other if you just carry on and on.

What do you think?

A

[Ginger God]

Andrew,



I think firstly you have to understand that this is her second affair, the first being 4 years ago.

She thought she was bulletproof............she isnt.

I dont hate her............. I hate what she is putting our family through. I simply dont love her anymore because of what she has done to me and the kids. I am a really easy going chap and I find it difficult to hate anyone. The only way I could describe what it would take for me to hate someone would be if they were to harm my kids in any shape or form.

If this is your wifes first affair then I can understand your thought process that you should see if it fizzles out. It took me 4 years to get here.

Will you grow to hate her.. I dont know. You have to go with your instinct. I am nearly 45 and it was now or never, I am still young and look a bit younger than 44, I just feel that I have to move on and meet someone who is willing to love me unconditionally and I have to stop conning my kids... which is what we are doing now.
You know where I am if you need me...gingergod13@yahoo.co.uk.
Graham