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Old 4th July 2005, 07:02 AM   #1
toronto
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Wife not interested in sex

I stumbled across this website from "across the pond". I was very impressed with the wide scope of topics that seem to be addressed

Getting to the point .... What are the typical reasons for a woman not being interested in sex (with her husband).

In my case, we have been married for 10 yrs with 3 kids .... my wife is closing in on her 40th birthday. I am 99.9% certain there is no extracirricular activites. I still think my wife looks great (and I do tell her often) ..... she keeps in shape and after 3 kids is at the same weight as before our firstborn. Physically, I do not think I have changed over the years.....in fact, I am told I do not look my age of 45.

I try to ask/probe into this situation .... but she is non-responsive. At this stage of her life, is sex more physical or emotional.

Obviously, I am not giving alot of details but that could be also the problem.
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Old 4th July 2005, 08:29 AM   #2
Springheeled Jack
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

Its not so different over here, mate.

Ive been married for not as long as you, coming up to our second anniversary. My wife has two kids by a previous partner, aged 20 and 13. We started our relationship with sex everytime we met, then every week, then every other week, then every month, now it is when every she can be bothered. Im always up for it, but my wife isnt, so you are not on your own here, toronto.

The sad thing is, if you do the initiating, your wife might out of "obligation", you do not want that at all. It means alot if she "wants to" as opposed to "having to". If you do the initiating then it makes you out to be sex starved, (no matter have true that may be!!).

In my case I am not so sure about the "extra curicular" activities, shes always said that she wouldnt do it. Im going through the phase "wondering if she is", and having to deal with it if she is.

It is easy to fall into the trap of wondering if she is having an affair. After all it would explain why she has been acting the way she has been doing.

My advice to you is talk to your wife with out being too pushy. Drop huge hints if you have to. Dont however force your attentions on her. She will scarper. If a councellor will work then go for it.

The best of British luck toronto.

Jack
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Old 4th July 2005, 07:31 PM   #3
jellybelly
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

Hi Toronto, You mentioned you have 3 kids. Does your wife work outside the home. Do you share in the household chores. The reason I am asking is , if your wife is too busy being a mother, and chore doer, she probably doesn't think of herself as the 'Wife', therefore ignoring the wifey duties (if i can call it that, without getting yelled at!) Sometimes it is hard for us women to switch gears from the daily household things and become the horny wife at night. Perhaps this is something to explore.
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Old 4th July 2005, 07:53 PM   #4
helenrw200
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

I have had a similar problem with my partner of 3 years ( see it isn't only women that go off sex ! ) He is always " too tired " and it seems to me that he preferred the easy way out of porn on the net , much less work for him and he can switch off when he's satisfied. Obviously this is unlikely to be the same scenario in your case toronto, however I think maybe the being tired bit applies, you don't mention the ages of your children, but they can be pretty tiring at most stages !

Of course the problem may be more profound than that but that would be a starting point, at least something to rule out before you try to go deeper . Turning from mom all day to sex goddess at night can sometimes seem like a little too much work !

Helen
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Old 29th July 2005, 12:32 PM   #5
Helen
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

Do you and your wife have an intimate relationship outside the bedroom? Do you communicate with her openly (in bed and outside), nurture her, make her feel wanted and desired? Do you support her at home, grouch about her job, leave the housework and child rearing to her after a hard day at work? My husband didn't do any of these things (oh, that's not true - he did bitch about my job!). We are now at the end of a 20 year relationship. I didn't have sex with him for the last 2 years because he withdrew from me emotionally (we are now separated). For much of the last 5 years, my husband has shown me no affection at all. That said, he wanted me to go to bed with him when he wanted and didn't see why I had an issue with that (I too am touching 40 but he always told me that I was beautiful). But this wasn't enough. I needed that emotional connection with him - without it I felt like a fraud in the marriage and a whore in the bedroom. Rather than make the effort to build a strong, emotional connection with me, my husband withdrew from me. After 2 years of absolute BS, we separated, he slept with my brother's wife, (not in that order) and I am now in a world of misery over a man who treated me like a whore and destroyed my family.

Sometimes women have problems with sex because there are intimacy issues. For women in a monogamous relationship, sex is going to be increasingly emotional experience. That is not to say there will be no physical lust involved. But she will desire you more if she has a close emotional connection with you. If you don't have a close connection with your wife, build one. Take her out. Buy her flowers for no reason. Call her at work to tell her you love her. Make her a nice meal. More importantly, talk to her about any issues you have with the marriage in an open, non-judgemental way. Be receptive to what she says (you probably won't like it but try). Don't pressure her for sex. The more pressure you put on her, the more she will pull away. Tell her the sex is important but not more important than she is. Not saying this should be one sided. If your wife cannot get the openness and intimacy and space she needs from you she will find it difficult to resume an intimate relationship with you. Do not confuse this for a lack of love. It is possible to love someone but not have sex with them (as I know to my cost).

On the other hand she might feel lousy and not want sex. Periods and PMT, a job, running the household and raising kids are difficult to deal with. Not only would she be struggling with guilt for not being at home with the kids, she will feel guilty about not being a superwoman. If this is the case, believe me, she feels bad about denying you sex. Again, don't pressure her for sex. The 'cure' is to nurture her and tell her that she is doing a great job with your home, your kids, etc. Build a relationship that could survive without sex.

Of course, the other thing to consider is whether you think she is getting sex elsewhere and doesn't need it with you? Not saying that she is (and I know you have said you are almost 100% certain she isn't). Only you and she know for sure but it might be a possibility.

Last edited by Helen; 29th July 2005 at 01:08 PM.
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Old 29th July 2005, 02:44 PM   #6
jools
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

Hi Toronto,
Thought I'd add my bit as I've been the wife in a similar situation. Like you my husband was always very appreciative of me and we've both kept ourselves in shape. I think I can relate to how your wife is feeling. Obviously it's only a guess but my feelings might add insight for you so here goes.

As the other women's posts suggest, having children can change the way that we perceive ouselves and our roles within the marriage. "Mothermode" is not very conducive to feeling sexy. Sometimes the fear of getting pregnant again is enough to put you off. My husband has always been a passionate man and always "in the mood". That in itself was a pressure. Yes I felt horribly guilty about it and even prayed to be given a sex drive! He used to try different ways to turn me on but I just felt under more pressure. I didn't like to talk about it because I didn't want to admit to any problems. Didn't think I had a problem! Every other aspect of our relationship was great and as far as I was concerned he was the love of my life. I honestly believe that it is far easier for women to be happy in a relationship without the need to be sexual than it is for men. Added to this is the fact that mothers also get a lot of closeness and intimacy from their children when they are young.

I had my wake-up call two years ago and have re-discovered my libido...but it took something quite dramatic for me to change! Won't bore you with the details (read my posts if you're interested). Not sure how I would have changed if that hadn't have happened though...so I guess that's not much help to you! What I'm trying to say though is that I'm sure your wife IS worried about this but is finding it hard to address with you because she doesn't know the answer. I suggest you back off trying to initiate sex for a while to take that pressure off her. A lot of Helen's suggestions are good. Your wife is NOT unusual in this. You would be surprised how many married women admit that they're not that bothered about sex - especially after having children. I'm sure she still loves you to bits and is as worried as you are. Hope my ramblings have helped a bit.
Good luck, Toronto! Jools XX
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Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:52 PM.
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