Finding My First Love Again but both still attached

Yes, girls do talk. But playing the gender card won't win you this one necessarily. I suggest if you want to continue this childish debate of yours we take it to another thread.

Back to Julieann's issue.

[jacqueline]

Dearest julieann,

As you can see every one has different opinions with very strong veiws, this must not be an easy time for you emotionally - Their is a light at the end of the tunnel - their always is honey, without 2-in-2-1 discussion forum my marriage wouldn't be sorting itself out, on here you will find that people are allowed to express and show their emotions - so don't be deterrd by recent posts, its just everyone has strong opinions at times.

Their is a light - please keep talking to us people do want to listen and help you through your difficult time.

Big smiles & hugs to ya

Jacqueline
x

Thank you for your replies which are very much appreciated especially to London and Jacequeline. I certainly do not like being the OW and have informed my FL on every ocassion that we speak that unless he sorts himself out then I am not prepared to continue with this 'affair'. I do not agree with having affairs and I am certainly not happy about the situation and him cheating on his partner. I must point out that when my FL contacted me via the email he made it quite clear he wanted to meet and he said that if ever I became free again to give him a call. I could not cheat on my husband and that is why I decided to follow my heart and my emotions to try and make things work with my FL. I care about my husband but never really felt passion and love in the marriage. The reason we broke up 15 years ago was my FL left me and broke my heart since then I have also tried to recapture what we had and unfortunately found my husband who made me feel 'settled' and decided that is what life really is all about but that was until I heard from my FL again who wanted to put things right and explain what happened all those years ago and that he did try and put things right then but I would not listen. I feel like I am losing grip on sanity and really cannot continue with this if my FL does not live up to his promises. I have asked my FL to be true to himself and to his partner and to me. My FL says not to doubt him and he wants to be with me. I just feel that he is stalling, if he does not want to be with his partner then he should do the right thing and leave. What he is doing really is not fair on any of us. I have a young daughter to consider and the feelings of guilt of taking her away from her father are terrible. However, my daughter does seem to have adapted well to the situation and sees her father regularly. To be true to myself I must face the consequences of my actions and also face the possiblitiy of losing my FL and being on my own.

Thank you for your replies which are very much appreciated especially to London and Jacequeline. I certainly do not like being the OW and have informed my FL on every ocassion that we speak that unless he sorts himself out then I am not prepared to continue with this 'affair'. I do not agree with having affairs and I am certainly not happy about the situation and him cheating on his partner. I must point out that when my FL contacted me via the email he made it quite clear he wanted to meet and he said that if ever I became free again to give him a call. I could not cheat on my husband and that is why I decided to follow my heart and my emotions to try and make things work with my FL. I care about my husband but never really felt passion and love in the marriage. The reason we broke up 15 years ago was my FL left me and broke my heart since then I have also tried to recapture what we had and unfortunately found my husband who made me feel 'settled' and decided that is what life really is all about but that was until I heard from my FL again who wanted to put things right and explain what happened all those years ago and that he did try and put things right then but I would not listen. I feel like I am losing grip on sanity and really cannot continue with this if my FL does not live up to his promises. I have asked my FL to be true to himself and to his partner and to me. My FL says not to doubt him and he wants to be with me. I just feel that he is stalling, if he does not want to be with his partner then he should do the right thing and leave. What he is doing really is not fair on any of us. I have a young daughter to consider and the feelings of guilt of taking her away from her father are terrible. However, my daughter does seem to have adapted well to the situation and sees her father regularly. To be true to myself I must face the consequences of my actions and also face the possiblitiy of losing my FL and being on my own

Julieann,

I know what you are going through - you've done everything right inso far as the situation is concerned.

Do you know how long you'll allow FL to "sort" things out on his side? I know it's easy to say six weeks and hope he'll stick to that - but I doubt that time frame will work and I suspect you know that as well.... The pressure to sort things out under an imaginary gun is great but then so is hanging 3-4 people's lives on a thread!

Do come back and let us know how you are making out..... I know it can be frustrating in trying to make sense of something like this, especially since you've done all the hard work and have made the huge sacrifices to date!!

London

Things are as I suspected. FL is backing off. I explained that I have laid all my cards on the table and can no longer give anymore. FL has an opportunity of telling his partner and moving out to a house which he owns and which has become avaialble straight away. He explained late last night after a drink that he is scared of how she will react and cannot bear to see the hurt on her face. He also said could I go back to my H and could we still be friends and keep in touch. I am no longer going to contact him and explained that it is his decision and no-one else can make that. He says he loves me which no doubt he does but he also said he is weak and a coward. He wants to be with me but cannot face the reality of what needs to be done. I can do no more. I have followed my heart and stayed true to FL giving no false promises. FL also said that he has a problem with the implications of me having a daughter. I explained to FL that he knew the situation right from the start and I have not lied or hidden anything. I am extremely hurt by all this and will have to now face the prospect of life on my own with a young child. My H wants to move on with his life and I agree it is not an option to go back as there are no true feelings to build on there. FL explained that he has had a conversation with his brother who has said he will back him up and get him out of this situation should I decide to contact his partner and tell her what has been going on. I found that extremely hurtful as I would never hurt his parnter that is why I said I do not want an affair and will not stand for it. FL provided all the promises the chance of a fresh start, a new life together etc and now he is backing away from that. I am very sad and very low but will have to remain strong for my daughter and build on making sure she is ok which is what my H wants to. I made my decision to leave my H which I still stand by as the right decision although it is very painful. My FL has just shown his true colours and torn my heart in two for the second time. Thank you for your advice it is very much appreciated at this very difficult time

Julieann,

I am so sorry that you have been hurt by FL. I know this may not be any consolation, but from reading your posts you have so much to offer and seem to be a very caring person. You will find someone right for you.

You did the right thing by not having an "affair" while still married to your H, and while you had to go through the ordeal of leaving your married life for your FL, at least you made that decision based on your feelings and were true to yourself. I know many people here will say "we told you so" - but that is BS. Yes, there were no guarantees with FL - but you did the right thing by leaving your H before you embarked on anything. HUG.

Your FL was a coward and is playing it safe. He had his fun but when faced with the reality of the situation, he purely chickened out. The thought of having a real family with a daughter may have freaked him out. Right now, he can enjoy being a lad without any real responsibilities. In a way, its a good thing that he backed out now. When you find your TL (true love) you'll know and he'll have you and your daughter as a package......

[scarletfalls]

i haveto comment to you people who have affairs already know they are invoveled with a liar and cheat for what he does to his wife hell do to you and frankly maybey you could do with a persent of the hurt your about to cause his wife.im affraid i dont pity you at all justify it howyou like and maybey oneday when your daughter runs to you broken hearted cause her husbands done the same you can justfy it again .women like you need help scarletfalls

Sorry but I think you are a hypocrite Julieann. You talk about being true to yourself and true to your FL. You also say that you didn't have an affair while you were still married (do you mean together?) Any you say you weren't unhappy with your H, and that you care for him.

But as soon as FL contacted you, you were off, just like that, with not a thought for H. So you left H before you slept with FL. Big deal, you responded to his e-mails when you had a choice not to, and that's where the deceipt started. Why did it need FL to make you think you weren't in love with H? If it was true, wouldn't it have been obvious without that? Now, after the fact, you've decided you were never in love with H, though you have never said that you thought that before FL contacted you. You seem rather shallow to me and very self-centred. And you say you care for H, but you've dumped him at the drop of a hat.

The amazing thing is you weren't even unhappy. If you had spoken of much deliberation and regret, and if the catalyst hadn't been the excitement of old love then it might be different, but it seems to me like you had a chance of happiness and you've blown it.

Waterman - I don't think she's gotten it wrong at all.

Is not being unhappy = to being happy? No its not. Many people come here and whine about not being happy in their marriage or that their spouse always state something along those lines as a reason to leave or have an affair. Julieann did neither of those things and basically had the guts to do what few people who come here would ever do (even though they would like to). The real hypocrites are those who shout nay to Julieann but then say that they wished the people in their lives who had affairs did exactly what she did!

Juileann did the right thing in leaving a boring and stale marriage behind, regardless of the "catalyst" (as you put it). She was NEVER happy in the marriage so, NO she DID NOT blow her only chance at happiness (as you put it!).

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Julieann

Oh well, at least you've exorcised the ghost which has been haunting you these past 15 years.

The important thing is not to spend the next 15 thinking 'gosh, I should have worked on that marriage when I still had a chance'.

But London, is "not being unhappy" equal to "being unhappy"? Certainly not. Nothing she has said indicated that she had thoughts about leaving the marriage until she was contacted. The rest is speculation, but that alone suggests to me that she had a relationship that at the very least had potential, but she wasn't prepared to work at it.

She might well be right in the final analysis but I think that if she had been true to herself, her H and indeed to her FL that she would have given it time to determine that the new feelings weren't fleeting and that the old feelings for husband were indeed dead (or never alive) and not just in abeyance, time to determine that her disatisfaction was coming from her relationship and not from within.

She didn't do that, she just jumped at the chance of a reunion with FL, after 15 years, and 3 months later both relationships are over. We don't even have the other side of the story, but it seems to me as though it's a case of familiarity breeding contempt, the grass being greener on the other side, and that she's been both silly and selfish.

[jacqueline]

Follow your heart princess, I'm sure whatever problems occur, you will conquer either by yourself or with the one you want to be with.

All things happen for a reason, take time, deep breaths take one day at a time mentally to decide what is the best solution all round which will make things easier, don't beat yourself up once you have made your decision (follow your heart) because usually the deicison you make is generally the right one (but for which reason)

You are only human, we all make mistakes and what you are going through is only human too, its something from the past that has brought back good times to you - in another time in your life.

Julieann i really do hope things work your way in order that you don't remain unhappy and that you don't feel completely lost - your not alone princess, big smiles, be strong my love - you will get through this with whatever decision you make

Jacqueline x

I would not agree that whatever decision you make is generally the right one, or that you'll get through it whatever decision you make. People make mistakes, and those decisions can ruin their lives. Shakespeare wrote about that with his "to be or not to be" stuff a long time ago, and it is still true today.

Don't just abandon yourself to "your heart", because you don't really know what that means; it's might be shorthand for following a shallow crush, or it might be something deeper. And don't just make a decision and then hope it will all come right. Look inside yourself and try to find out where your unhappiness or disatisfaction is coming from. If it is coming from within then the chances are that it will whel up again some day regardless of what decision you make now.

Waterman - the decision this woman has made to date has not led her down the "wrong" path. As noted before, the decisions she has made so far have actually been the right ones based on a moral code that very few people, including her FL, dare to follow.

The facts remain, she was not happy (nor was she unhappy) in her marriage - she felt she couldn't continue and FL comes along and gives her the "excuse" to leave her marriage - a marriage she didn't really have her heart in. If she did, I am sure she would have stayed. Rather than having an affair, she calls it quits and pursues FL who rather than do the same thing cheats on his partner to be with Julieann for a short time. Realises that there would be a lot to take in (eg the daughter, breaking up with his current etc), decides he's a coward and has had his fun for now.

So that leaves Julieann on her own raising a daughter. Has Julieann done anything "wrong"? NO. She followed her heart and her moral code. WHy stay in a relationship that has no love in it?