Hurt Angry and Confused

[Lost-Soul]

Hi everyone 3 weeks ago I discovered my partner of 20 years is having an affair. I confronted her and eventually she admitted it, this has left me devestated as I still love her. I asked her if we could make a go of it and she said yes but she refuses to stop seeing him or texting him, this hurts she says she loves him but he has no intention of leaving his wife. I have his wifes phone number and am sorely tempted to ring her and let her know but this smells of revenge and I do not wish to hurt her. I have tried just living day to day with my wife and being civil to her but each day the hurt and anger is getting worse I feel like a door mat. We live abroad and I can send her home but do not want to as I want to rebuild my life with her. What can I do ?

Hi there, So sorry that you seem to have joined our ever-growing 'club'..... I have some very strong opinions on this sort of thing - As far as I'm concerned, when a person turns from their partnership and confides in a third party - that detracts from the emotional closeness with their significant other / husband / wife etc. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical affair - maybe more so.....

If I were you I wouldnt call this other man's wife.... Try and take the high road and concentrate on you. You will hear people say this all the time, but it is what you need to do (easier said than done - believe me, I know) Shift the focus from her to you - do things you enjoy - build a life for yourself. Begging, pleading etc doesnt work anyhow - it just seems to push them further away and ringing the other persons' wife will just create more mayhem.

If your partner truly wants to work on your relationship the contact with this other man must completely stop. I hope that you can work things out between you..... It's a horrible situation to be in and I wish you the very best.

I would say contact the other wife. A little napalm now and then is a useful thing.

Frankly, I would be so angry I would do it out of spite.

D

[Lost-Soul]

I have already decided not to call the other wife, belive me it was a close call. I am trying to be positive and just get on with my life but there are moments when you just want to give up and cry. You are right Meline begging and pleading do not work neither does getting blind drunk and hoping it will go away. So I have adopted the get on with my life tactic, its hard and at times you need to be a good actor. How long before the hurt goes away?

[smackie9]

Why let her have her cake and eat it to. You should give her an ultimatum. It's you or him. Her keeping this relationship is certainly not fair to you or your well being. Time for her to fess up to why she is doing this. What made her decide to have an affair in the first place? You have made the right choice not to call the guy's wife. It would only make things even worse.

I also agree with Smackie.... I do think you need to put some firm boundaries in place. A physical affair is a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned, but everyone is different, and only you can decide what actions you need to take.

I'm glad you have started to think about yourself - when you detatch it definitely helps. I'm only 7 months into this mess.... and although I do have bad days here and there, they are definitely getting fewer. Initially it was hell - still have my moments! - BUT the fact that my Husband has treated my children and I so badly has definitely helped me to get over him. Eventually I realised that I was insane to miss and want someone who can treat you with such contempt.

Im going through exactly the same with my partner, I started a post 4 weeks ago titled "is it really over or is there something i can do?".

After 5 weeks im still at a loss and have no direction, your assuring words that after 7 months the bad days get fewer but how do you stop yourself from getting the photos out and the urge to ring or text her?

Please feel free to check out the post so you can gain some background into my situation, the last couple of postings by someone called Sierra have really upset me but its only one persons opinion.

Any advice or grief sharing would be gratefully recieved.

Tim

Sorry about that. Certainly did not intend it.

D

Tim I dont wish to hi-jack Lost-Souls thread... but we are all going through so many similar situations.... I havent got all the answers - far from it! I'm in the middle of a domestic mess of my own..... but I do know what has worked for me and can only speak from personal experience.

I put some clear boundaries in place and I stuck to them. I made sure I did things for myself and my children - even if it was only one thing a day - I did something for me. I try to think about the goals in my life, the things 'I' want to do / have always wanted to do and tried very hard not to second guess my husband. I went with the flow of emotions - and boy were there MANY emotions! Did the whole, denial, crying and crying and crying.... anger... back to crying... anger again - you name it.... I just accepted each emotion and worked through it, and eventually each time I slipped back into sadness it didnt last quite so long and it wasnt QUITE so intense. It takes TIME... No fast track to happiness I'm afraid. Just looking after yourself, not pushing yourself too hard and not obsessing about the things that your partner does or does not do.... I've said this before but the main thing I have learned is YOU CAN NOT control the things other people do... You can control your own actions though.....

Lost-Soul, initially I found the photographs unbearable. I had to put them all away. It's only now that I can look at them.... I see a happy family and yes it makes me sad.... sad for what could have been, sad for me and my children. I also see a man who no longer exists...... that man is long gone - I have to accept that he is now changed and he wants different things. I can look at those photos now and it doesnt pain me quite so much.... always will be a bit of sadness there - but I can see that I have a future without him. I now know that I will be alright.... None of this is easy and I feel for both you and Tim - it is SO early days.... I expect in a year from now I will feel better than I do now.... BUT believe me when I tell you it WILL get better.

[Lost-Soul]

Thanks for the support, you are right if I this second chance is to work both of us have to work at it and it will not work if my wife will not give up her lover, I have to tell her some ground rules.
Things seemed to have improved a little over the last few days but that is probaby wishful thinking. Things will be clearer after the weekend (our weekend is Thurs to Friday as we are in a muslim Country) as they all ways seem to be the flash points.

[Lost-Soul]

Spoke to her when she got out of bed told her she needed to stop seeing her lover to give us a chance, she said she cannot stop seeing him she loves him too much so I have set the ball rolling on getting her returned to the United Kingdom. Applied for her exit only visa and booked flights all with her knowledge so looks like the end. Sorry for unloading on everyone like this

[Lost-Soul]

I think the reason everything has gone wrong is about 2 years ago we got into a big party scene staying out to the early hours etc loads of drink. I put up with it for about 4 months but then realised it was not me. So I stopped and calmed down back to my usual self. My wife never it became a big issue between us I would get upset when she never came home till 5 or 6 in the morning. This would result in us having a arguement and not speaking. She would throw the trust trump card in my face and I would back off as I knew how important trust was to her and I did trust her. So in a way lack of communication is responsible for this. I was not there for her emotional support, we are both responsible for what has happened. I shoulder my portion of the blame. I have read a lot of the articals on this site and it has left me cold the amount of mistakes I have made in my relationship.

[Liz]

Dear Lost Soul

Is there really no way that you two can work this out together? Is there any chance of a transfer back home together? How about some counselling, or a weekend away together?

Just a few thoughts

Liz

Lost-Soul

Hi. Reading your thread breaks my heart. I can truly sympathise with the gamut of emotions that will be firing through your head.

I endorse fully what Melanie has advised. Look after yourself. It's the only way to get through what will be a tough time.

Reading your last post where you mention trust gave me a wry smile. Aye, trust. It's a two-way thing. Don't beat yourself up on this issue.

Take care.

Alan

Well my situation isn't so different. My wife was having an affair. The man wanted her to move to Spain with him, but she couldn't, what with kids here etc. She was in love with him but realised the risks involved. Maybe she wasn't in love enough. She didn't want to go and so he dumped her. I'm helping her pick up the pieces but it hit her really hard.

Then she asked for a divorce, saying it was nothing to do with the affair but she just had no feelings left for me, and she could see it all happening again.

Yet we're still together.

I think she still loves me, and I can see it in her eyes, but that love has been contaminated by my attitude over the years and the pain it brought her, and more recently by the affair and the guilt and mixed up feelings it brought her. I'm trying hard to change me and not to worry about changing her, but she is changing too, and I'm not sure she even realises it. By making me a better and more considerate person, she is changing. I like it and I like the new me. It isn't difficult when you've had such a shock. Moping, pleading, appeals to sympathy don't work, they just make you look and feel like a wimp.

You're an expat. I was an expat in Asia for many years. You get recognition and a feeling of accomplishment from your work. What does your wife get from her day? Where you get fulfillment what does she get? When you're getting tired is she recharging her batteries looking forward to her only pleasure, her social life? We fell into that trap on our return, and the stuff about trust and sharing time together and communication rings loud bells for me.

On the subject of calling the other wife, there is another aspect to all of this besides looking at it from your own perspective. You don't want to seem selfish and vindictive by calling her. Is that because it might backfire and you'd be worse off? In that case maybe that is just as selfish a motive for not calling her, ie because it wouldn't work. She has been wronged and deceived just as much as you have, and sooner or later she will find out, if not from you then from someone else. Maybe she knows already, maybe she's a doormat and it won't make any difference, but maybe she would have wanted to have known asap so that she could set about what you are now doing before the damege became to big. Think about it, she has rights too, and maybe your wife should be considering that. Are there any children involved in either marriage? Your wife is doing something which is wrong, and there is no reason why you should not appeal to her sense of right and wrong for her to stop it. I don't believe she doesn't feel dead guilty about it deep down and that those feelings won't confuse her in her responses to you.

Your wife says she wants the marriage to work but is that so as to stay in that country close to the other guy? You need to think long and hard, but all is not lost. I'm not so sure about the ground rules thing though, maybe it's too early for that. I think first of all you need to understand whatever it is that motivates her and finetune yourself to it. Look after yourself but bend yourself to her will. Validate her, build her self-esteem. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. In time that will be the only thing that changes her. People fight against rules, what you really want is to develop good habits between you that both of you are happy with, and that starts with you. Right now you have to absolutely cvonvince her that she wants to continue this marriage. You'll do that with actions, not with words. This is all about feelings, and feelings relate to actions, not words. Rules are about words. Your actions will get her buy in, not rules. Once she's truly bought in then she'll agree to rules. My wife and I haven't agreed to any rules, but in the last 2 weeks she's started acted much more considerately and lovingly towards me, in terms of how much time she gives me, her body language towards me and lots of other little things. She's beginning to comply with the rules I would write if I had to, but it's coming from her not from me, so it's much more valid.

You get a set of rules and everything is suddenly in black and white, what leeway is there? Next week or next month or next year my wife might start to comply with other rules I might have written, and that will mean even more progress. Better the rules come from her and she complies with them because she wants to. Better I expend my energy on showing her how much I love her so that she wants to be with me, rules or no rules.