Do I stay or do I go?

[martacus]

I only discovered this place today and have spent the past few hours reading other posts - wow on 2 counts - (1) so many peoples lives are complicated and (2) there's a lot of support here.

So..... it's with my breath held that I ask for support/advice/counsel.

I've been married for 18 years and we have 3 wonderful kids - ages 15, 13 and 7. They are the most balanced, happy kids imaginable. Lovely big house, all 3 kids in private school, mortgaged up to the eyeballs.

My marriage is a sham, however. I know that we are only together to provide for the kids.... we mask our unhappiness from them. I know my wife is severely unhappy, she's gone from a size 8 when we married to size 20 now. Doesn't buy clothes EVER. We do nothing together. We get on okay but we have no sex life (2 failed attempts in 15 months). She has no attraction for me nor me for her although I know I am a very attractive man (based on what women say to me unprompted).

I have had sex outside of marriage with friends and work colleagues. Not often, but occasionally.... I'd explode otherwise. They have told me I am very good and wasted in my loveless/sexless marriage.

We've talked. I am the root of all wrong. It's all my fault. I am insensitive. I am selfish. I am arrogant. I am unsociable. We've talked so many times and we always get to the same place. Its all my fault, she won't commit to making an effort to make herself attractive again. She makes me feel hated......

And yet still we have 3 beautiful, balanced kids.

So, here's where I need help? What do I do?I feel immensely guilty when I flirt with other women. When I have sex with them, its overwhelming. But on the other hand when I come home from work I get my head bitten off, I have a wife who is almost deliberately overweight and dresses unattractively and it looks odd when we are together.....

Right now I feel I should leave. I feel my life and my needs (sex, respect, affection, tolerance, trust) have been put on hold for 10 years whilst we provide the best for our kids. I am wooried now that I willl reach 50 and realise I have sacrificed my life - but at the same time I want to see my kids happy.

Anyone have any thoughts? Appreciate the feedback - am I a bastard?

[Kate]

Dear Martacus,

You say that you have talked about your marriage with your wife, but has she actually been able to tell you what would make a difference to her. You can recount the thigns she sees wrong with you, but what could you do differently?

If your wife has lost interest in her appearance it sounds as if she has very low self worth. Is there anything you have done which might possibly have contributed to this and is there anything you can do to build up her self worth. It occurs to em that you may be miscommunicating somewhere. For example you may have been using different ways in the early days to show your love for each other, so that you didn't receive the love you were tryign to express. There's an article here about that. Somehow you don't seem to have been meeting each others emotional needs either.

Does your wife know that you have been unfaithful, as this may have contributed to her low self worth and withdrawal from you. I don't think now is the time to tell her if she doesn't know, but if she does then you have to take some responsibility for the damage that has done.

It is very easy for you two to blame each other, but trying to change the other rarely works. The best place to start is with yourself, perhaps with a long honest look at what you have done wrong or failed to do and then a determination to find new and caring ways to act. You are trapped in a cycle of behaving towards each other that is just pushing you apart. To break out of that cycle, one of you has to decide to act lovingly and differently, which will provide the opportunity for the other to respond ina new and positive way too.

The evidence is that children are better off with two married parents, but they are even better off with two parents that love each other, which is good for you too. I hope that you can find a way to begin to love each other again.

Kate

hi ,like yourself i entered this site today and read a lot of unhappy posts before posting my own story .never thought id be replying to apost before anyone offered me advice !although ,martacus
i sense too much emphasis on sex within your marriage .you say you feel guilty after flirting with other women .
when i left the family home ,i went through a 3 month period of irrational behaviour ,where i was looking for love in all the wrong places and ended up finding sex .the result of which was a short term "fix" and an even more unhappy state of mind . i really think you should focus on giving your wife the attention she needs without her feeling as if all your attentions are a pre-requisite for sex .
she has a very low self-esteem at the moment so you need to be very patient with her .your not a bastard ,but you may have a problem confusing lust and love .

you write about your needs ,do you know what your wifes needs are ?

Dear Martacus

It's not really a question of calling yourself names; it's a question of asking yourself very carefully if you really can win by abandoning the marriage.

Nobody is saying a divorce can never happen. Sadly, that sometimes is the best thing for all. But consider it from all sides, because it radically amputates a chunk of your life. Sometimes it will be justified, but very often not. You are the best judge of what you can bear to lose and what you hope to gain.

I would expect a casual lover to think me marvellous, but remember that flattery resembles friendship the way a wolf resembles a dog.

Certainly your wife is unhappy - but it is not possible for an outsider to say if this is for objective reasons or subjective ones. If you are arrogant/selfish/unsociable and insensitive, that would definitely account for much of the unhappiness. Only you can say if her opinion is based on being able to point to consistent behaviour like that, or if it is in her imagination.

Since you have written that you indulge in casual sex with assorted unfussy odd-bods (anyone who has sex with someone else's husband is a bit of a door knob in my view*) .....well, it's not a character reference is it? Nor will it add to the sum of domestic felicity - of course she is annoyed. Anyone would be. You would be were the situations reversed.

It is a pity that the talking has degenerated to wrangling; that is why many people at this stage use a counsellor/mediator/psychologist. It may well be that certain behaviours, like your wife's comfort eating, do need to be addressed. But just as she can't rush for the biccies and hope to remain comfortable in her skin, neither can you rush off for a quickie with the nearest desperate harpie and hope to remain unscathed. Fat can go and your wife can get back in shape.....but herpes is forever.

Book yourself a couple of sessions with a discrete therapist first, talk through some of the things you are feeling. It is reasonable to want certain emotional needs to be fulfilled, but others you seem to want are more disputable. For example, you say that you 'look odd' together. In general, the loving mother of three wonderful children has got more to do than worry about being arm-candy. I recognize that an attractive wife is important to you as part of your self-image as a successful person, but I personally reject that as shallow bordering on vanity.
Unfortunately, because of the affairs it is going to be very difficult to get to some of them for a while.

Do your thinking first, but beware of the easy counsel of lovers. They don't have to live with the consequences.

I wish you and your family well.

(*door knob. everybody's had a turn)

I think you've handled things very wrong. If you haven't spoken openly to your wife and just taken the cowards way out of just having sex with anyone then I'm sorry but thats not on! My husband had an affair and just didn't bother to speak to me about his little problems. I'm attractive, well mannered and have a nice personality AND gave him sex regularly (much more than most couples!) and yet he still chose to go off!!!! I still to this day wish he'd communicated with me and said why he was unhappy.... and do you know what's really stupid is that he's left me for another woman and still isn't very happy with his life!!! have you spoken to your wife yet?

Sorry to sound harsh here but there are many of us who have been on the receiving end of infidelity. Does your wife even know you have had sex else where? Any way why have sex with other people why not just be man enough to leave the marriage first?

You may disagree with how I feel but I have been treated this way and its really not very nice! Your wife may be a "large" lady now because she is comfort eating! You both need to decide whether its worth continuing your marriage I guess!

Hope