Why can't he forgive me?

Hello to all,
I need some advice please.I have been married for 12 years and we have had a pretty rough marriage,lots of different problems that were not easy at all for me.Instead of telling all the past things in our marriage I would rather just get down to what is happening now.Over a year ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me,We fight constantly which really stresses me out.We have 2 children which at times they hear the arguing which I hate terribly. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our children and I am afraid of what they may think of me.I don't want this to ruin their future,which I feel could.My daughter is 14 and my son is 9.
I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.
The affair has been done and over with for 8 months and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast.I know he will probably remember it for sometime to come,but my goodness can't the rage he has in him be gone.It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it.
I have researched things of this nature on the web and I have given him more than enough information about the affair for him to begin to heal but it's like he lives and breath's it now.
Please don't say that's normal or do you blame him?I know personally what is't like to be cheated on,my x-husband cheated on me and I did not go on and on.He just chose to divorce me over the affair.
Please help me!!!I feel like I am going insane,I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened,I can only move forward with him,but how can I when he wants to continue to down grade me for what I did.
Any and all advice will be appreciated.I miss my husband terribly!!

God bless you all,
Thanks,
Michelle

[smackie9]

To see an end to this, you both need to seek marriage counselling together. He's obviously very hurt and has trouble coping. Get professional help before it's too late to salvage your marriage.

[Kate]

Dear Michelle,


I wonder have you actually had a conversation in which you have asked him to forgive you rather than just saying to him that you are sorry and regret what happened. You might have a look at the article here. Asking someone to forgive you means that you are facing them with a choice. When they agree to forgive you, they agree to stop making you pay for what you have done. Perhaps your husband doesn't really understand what it means to forgive. Forgiveness is not just about you, his unforgiveness and anger, although understandable are not doing him any good either. It may be that, as Smackie says, you will need some outside help, to enable your husband to come to terms with what has happened and to find ways of facing his anger and recognising the destructiveness of his way of treating you. But remember, although you managed to get over what happened to you in your previous marriage, your husband may be affected differently.

You do refer to other issues over the years and it may be that counselling is needed to deal with some of those which may be colouring what is happening now too.

Kate

I wanted to thank you so much for responding to me post,I appreciate so much your advice and input.I have talked to him about getting some counseling and he seems to blow it off as if,we don't need it.(We can handle it)Wrong,I feel very much that we need help!How do you recommend me incouraging him to seek counseling with me?I know I could go alone if that's the only choice I have but I feel deeply he needs it as well.
I must say things went really well last night,very peacful,I wished every night could continue to be that way.I still miss him terribly thou,things just don't feel the same because we don't do things we use to.
Thanks again so much for your replies.
May God Bless You,
Michelle31

I am sorry to say that I am not the most positive person when it comes to affairs. I think you have hurt your husband a great deal. He is making you pay by giving you some of the hurt back. For evey pound of hurt you have given him he probably has given you a small portion back. Having an affair is the most disgusting thing you can do. I hope councelling works for you. But you made your bed.... now you must lay in it... Sometimes providing him a new life is the best thing you can do for all concerned... The thoughts of you with another man will probably never go away. I am sorry to say that you have done great damage....

I realize that I am not saying what you want to hear.... But some things in life are very difficult... I hope things work out for you and remember that sometimes the correct thing to do is not the story book ending...

best wishes

[smackie9]

Dear Michelle, Don't you worry. You will get him to go sooner or later. What you need to do is get help first. You will receive advice on how to communicate with him and encourage him to go with you. It's just his big fat man ego getting in the way. Get some couselling, then work on softening up his ego.

Whay do you expect if you cheated on him? It's not a big male ego thing - it's him saying that all those years, the marrigae vows have all been thrown back in his face.

You're lucky he is still with you.

Counselling isn't the 'miracle cure' like it's made out to be. If you can't talk between you then that says a lot in itself.

Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, the biggest and baddest lie of all.
You've stained the relationship with your foolish and selfish antics. There's no excuse for it.

[smackie9]

If my husbdand cheated on me, I would work on dealing with it . I wouldn't spend 8 months, being bitter, and making him misrable. I love him too much.

My wife cheated on me but that was as much a symptom of our problems as anything else. It certainly wasn't a cause. Who is to say that, feeling the same way and given the same opportunity, I wouldn't have done the same? I know it hurt her because around about the time it happened she became very emotional but by then it was too late and she had a guilty secret. I'd rather focus on how unhappy she was and why. If she was happy why would she do it? Whose job is it to make her happy? She's no scarlet woman, and I don't hold with condemning people who have affairs out of hand. Sometimes that might be right but my no means all the time.

Like most readers, when it come to affairs Im not the best person to give advice, but here goes,

My ex wife had an affair, two in fact, each time she swore blind that she would never do it again, but she did. The bloke she is with now is the last affair she had.

When I made my marriage vows, the "forsaking all others" bit meant alot to me. I hold and still do, that sentance very dear. When affairs happen to either men or women, the adulterer, doesnt really understand how much it will affect the person theyt are cheating on. They will jsut do what seemsright for them, ignoring the fact that they made vows in church etc.

For the person being cheated on it is so unfair because should they be lucky enough to find someone else or even remarry, there is still that "Is is going to happen again" feeling at the back of their mind.

I remarried, and altohugh my wife said that she would never cheat on me, there is still that "would she if the opportunity arose".

I feel so sorry for your husband, basically in his mind, "another man" has being touching his wife, you my dear must have had no respect for your husband to go with another man.

Me, if my wife had an affair, I wouldnt bother with being nasty to my wife, I would go to the man she had an affair with and I would be making so sure he would never do it again.

But on the flip side, there must have beemproblems in your marriage before you decided to have an affair?

Ive been where your husband is, and let me tell you he is falling to pieces inside, he feels hurt, betrayed, and totally humiliated. How could you do that t othe man.

If he takes you back after all that they you make sure your marriage works. Time is a great healer. If my wife cheated on me, I would be devastated. After I hospitalized the man, I would give my wife an utlimatum, him or me.

Id take my wife back under conditions, if she did it again, then dont even bother coming back. I speak from bitter experience hence my answer. IT takes a great man to forgive his wife after she had an affair.

You had the affair so how come you are making youreself out to be the victim? It is your poor husband!

Im not sure that I could.

Forgive you? Why should he forgive you. You betrayed the guy. You humiliated him, deceived him.

Gone with another guy behind his back. Excuse me but who on earth do you think you are to expect he to forgive you. As was previously said, you are so lucky that eh is with you. If you were my wife you'd be finding your stuff outside on the pavement. There is no excuse for cheating on a husband or a wife.

Basically sweetheart, how canyou expect him to trust you if you cant even trust yourself!!

You cannot on always expect to hear "Oh poor you", what about your husband! How do you expect him to feel. Using the bruised male ego as an excuse is rubbish, utter nonsense, you cheatedon your husband by going with another man behind his back. End of....Simple as.

So if I were you I would beg your husbands forgiveness, go to what ever counsellor you need to and put your marriage back together. If you cant then, the only other alternative is for him or you to leave.

Im sorry this is blunt, but with me, scars run very deep.

[Liz]

Dear SH Jack etc

Forgiveness is actually a necessary part of a healthy relationship. We do it all the time often without noticing it until we come across a hurt that runs deep as you say. What I'd like to know is where you draw the line. What is forgiveable and what isn't? Is infidelity the so called "unforgiveable sin" and what makes anyone so perfect that they can act as judge and jury on an unfaithful wife?

I can't see what value there is in a relationship where one is let back on sufferance and never forgiven. They have to live in some sort of subservient position grateful for the protection of their wronged husband or wife. That's not love or marriage, it's manipulation and power and it's ugly.

Liz

PS However I do agree that forgiveness is not an easy option and when we hurt others we need to do all we can to put things right and not do it again

Ok, I hear what you are saying here. In my situation, my ex wife cheated on me, I found out about it. It was nasty, but I thought everyone deserves a second chance, so I "forgave" her.

I put my heart and soul in putting the marriage back together, even to the point of think that maytbe I was to blame. Anyway where all was going really well, she had another affair. AGAIN, the same thing, "Ill never do it again". So because I loved my exwife so much I forgave her again.

Then she had another affair. So that was it the last straw. I didnt, could, would forgive her. She made a total idiot of me. She left taking my beloved son with her.

As fair as I know she is still with the guy. Who incidentally is her ex boyfriend!!! The guy she was seeing before me!!

So no, I ont be forgiveing her...ever.

Sadly it makes it harder, on my present wife. Ive told her about the reason that my first marriage ended. My wife said that she would never cheat on me ever.

There is however a little voice in the back of my mind saying "Yeeeeah right!!"
but realistically I cant tar her with the same brush can I?

But as to this lady here, I think that she needs to reeeeeeally assure her husband that she madea mistake and so ork on getting her amrriage back in order...

SH JACK

PS,

Infidelity is the "one of the unforgivable sins". there is just "no excuse" for cheating on your husband or wife, other wise what did one get married to them for!

Im sorry to have to say this I thing that infidelity is disgusting. PErhaps Im speaking from bitter experience.

The forgivable is probable a guy or girl making a pass as your partner and it was rebuffed.

The unforgivable is the same thing happening again but your partner goes as far as sleeping with them. that is the "Ultimate betrayal" as far as I am concerned.

It takes a special sort of person to forgive their wayward spouse. However the wayward spouse has to face up to what they have done and deal with the consequences, I dont see how they can "expect" to be easily forgiven like that!

SH Jack,

I disagree with you sorry! I used to think that I could never forgive infidelity but now its happened to me I have a different opinion on the subject and I think your comments are quite harsh! You must have been badly hurt to feel this way?

If you love your partner then it is possible to "forgive" - I think its more a trust problem that prevents people from salvaging the marriage. Even if we had got back together my H may have been "faithful" until the day he died but I would have always been feeling insecure - however, if it wasn't for feeling insecure I would have loved to try again given the chance.

My quote below from Waterman is perfect and thats why I say infidelity doesn't have to lead to the end of a marriage......

Originally Posted by Waterman

My wife cheated on me but that was as much a symptom of our problems as anything else. It certainly wasn't a cause. Who is to say that, feeling the same way and given the same opportunity, I wouldn't have done the same? I know it hurt her because around about the time it happened she became very emotional but by then it was too late and she had a guilty secret. I'd rather focus on how unhappy she was and why. If she was happy why would she do it? Whose job is it to make her happy? She's no scarlet woman, and I don't hold with condemning people who have affairs out of hand. Sometimes that might be right but my no means all the time.

Hope