Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 22nd March 2015, 03:32 PM   #1
sambrooklands
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
A bad few days

Reading and talking with you all on here, I feel a bit churlish with my problems (although the experiences of the hell I went through last year i hope are of small help to others).

...However I have to have an outlet for how depressed I have felt over the past week or so. We have an autistic son which is a huge pressure on us all, and especially our marriage. We are quite solid as a couple now, although with no sex. It has only happened once in the last 18 months. We have plenty of cuddling and closeness in bed, but my wife is just to drained and not in the right state for sex. I dont push her anymore on this, but it hurts me so much. She says it will happen in time when things get easier with our son, but it just makes me sad and regretful.

I have never, and will never cheat on my wife - just to be clear.

We live in a very small community, where everyone knows everyone else. As I have mentioned before I know a (single) woman locally, who I get on with. I try to avoid her as much as I can, although this is hard. When our paths do inevitably cross I just have fireworks and I want them to go away. There is some chemistry between us and I have come close to telling her how I feel about her however that nothing would or could ever happen. My feelings are consuming too much of my mind at the moment and is becoming painful.

I just want these cruel feelings to go away. It is torment, and i know i am being weak, but i cannot help how i am. I am buying all sorts of online guides to avoid cheating and bad thoughts about other people, but nothing seems to be getting though.
I hope someone can help me here.

Last edited by sambrooklands; 22nd March 2015 at 04:03 PM.
sambrooklands is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 05:24 PM   #2
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: A bad few days

Hi Sam. I've never been tempted by someone else so can't really advise. What about a break with your wife? Can you arrange that?
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 05:44 PM   #3
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: A bad few days

Hi Sam,

I agree with NDY. It would be great if you could get away with your wife a bit. Even if it's just a day trip.

It's hard to turn off feelings. Are you looking at this woman's Facebook again? Try to cut her off as much as you possibly can. Being anxious about this situation will not help your depression. I know you'd never cheat, but you sound quite upset about this. Cutting her off as much as you can should help. No need to tell her nothing will happen if she has never said anything to you along those lines.

Can you discuss your sex life with your wife? Would she be willing to see a counselor with you? It's great that everything else is going well between you, but it would be wonderful to get that part of your lives on track again. Maybe some outside help would help?
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 05:58 PM   #4
sambrooklands
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: A bad few days

It is hard to get away as our son is so demanding. My wife does not trust anyone else.
We moved a few years ago 500 miles away from my family, to live near my wifes family partly to help with our son, however she does not trust them to take care of him.....
I have a well paid job, so my wife does not work. As well as that, i do all the DIY, most of the housework, and most of the cooking as well, so I am always shattered. My wife has seen the doctor regarding bad PMT so maybe some treatment here may help with her energy levels.
I just can't get this OW out of my head. I know it is wrong, I know she is probably flirting and enjoying the sport of it all, but I have always been rubbish with women, and cannot read this situation at all. I find her fun, amusing, and can talk for ages with her. I kind of find her physically attractive too. She had been single for 10 years (same age as me, 40) and If I were single, or if my wife had forced me to leave last year as she did I would ask this ow on a date. I just want it to all stop. I bought my daughter a new bike this morning on the spur of the moment to help ease my guilt about all this. I am wanting someone i cant have, and who would probably be a disaster for me, but........
sambrooklands is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 08:05 PM   #5
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: A bad few days

Ok Sam, from someone that's been on the receiving end of infedility. You really want this woman? Ok, go for it. Seriously, on you go. But before you do be sure to end your marriage, break your wife's heart, your daughters heart, your sons heart and ultimately your own heart. Sorry to sound so cruel but that's what you are doing. The grass isn't greener mate and you will pay the ultimate price. Good luck.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 08:16 PM   #6
sambrooklands
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: A bad few days

I just feel lonely at times in my marriage. I have tried so so hard at everything for my family and marriage, but I feel unfulfilled. I am getting older, none of us know how long we have got left on this earth, and I just want to love and feel loved, without always being put to the back of the queue.
I just want to laugh, to have fun and be close to someone who wants my love.
Whenever my wife and i are alone, all she talks about is Autism, constantly, Autism. She is obsessed with it, constantly reading, on FB anything. I know our son has it but I find it ignorant and insensitive the way she never shuts up about this subject. Just the sound of the word turns my stomach i am that sick of hearing about it.
sambrooklands is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 08:24 PM   #7
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: A bad few days

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
I just feel lonely at times in my marriage. I have tried so so hard at everything for my family and marriage, but I feel unfulfilled. I am getting older, none of us know how long we have got left on this earth, and I just want to love and feel loved, without always being put to the back of the queue.
I just want to laugh, to have fun and be close to someone who wants my love.
Whenever my wife and i are alone, all she talks about is Autism, constantly, Autism. She is obsessed with it, constantly reading, on FB anything. I know our son has it but I find it ignorant and insensitive the way she never shuts up about this subject. Just the sound of the word turns my stomach i am that sick of hearing about it.
Not an excuse. By Sam.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 09:19 PM   #8
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: A bad few days

If you are tired of cleaning the house perhaps you can get a weekly cleaning service to come clean? Or hire someone one day a week? That would take some of the stress off you.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. If you love your wife, and want your marriage to work, you've got to cut this woman off. Don't put yourself in the way of temptation. In your heart, you know the answer. if your marriage is the most important thing to you--she's got to go. No more excuses. It will help you in the end--you may not see it now.

Would your wife agree to counseling? You two have a few things to work out, and that's okay. Some outside perspective could be invaluable to you.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2015, 09:34 PM   #9
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: A bad few days

I am SO sad at this, because I wish you wife was aware of the vital importance of sex in a marriage. Its not only fun,(or should be), but it strengthens the couple emotionally and also relieves stress.
Even God warns us not to deprive each other of sex because it leads to temptation.

I honestly think that if your wife would agree to marriage counselling, realise that her marriage is just as important as her son, give time just to the two of you, understand how vitally important sex is to you and the marriage etc, your feelings for this other lady would fade away. Its like a starving man trying to resist food. However please carry on resisting.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd March 2015, 01:35 PM   #10
ralfgarnett
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: A bad few days

Don't do it, marriage is sacred and cheating is immoral and there is never any good reason or excuse for it under any circumstances, I would give anything to have my wife here with me droning on about anything I would not be complaining and would be grateful for her company, think before you act once you have cheated you cant turn the clock back the crime will of been committed, don't do it concentrate your efforts on your marriage instead.
ralfgarnett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th March 2015, 01:17 PM   #11
defeated
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 54
Re: A bad few days

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I am SO sad at this, because I wish you wife was aware of the vital importance of sex in a marriage. Its not only fun,(or should be), but it strengthens the couple emotionally and also relieves stress.
Even God warns us not to deprive each other of sex because it leads to temptation.

I honestly think that if your wife would agree to marriage counselling, realise that her marriage is just as important as her son, give time just to the two of you, understand how vitally important sex is to you and the marriage etc, your feelings for this other lady would fade away. Its like a starving man trying to resist food. However please carry on resisting.
I agree with Chosen about the you needing marriage counselling.

Your wife is obviously so wrapped up in your son needing special attention and her own stresses that she's overlooking you..... this is not a happy situation for anyone and it's not surprising that the light flirtation of an attractive woman that you keep coming in to contact with is messing your head up.

I think it's really commendable that you're on this website and doing all you can to fight the feelings which you have, rather than just plunging in and taking the consequences later. Your wife is a very lucky woman and needs to somehow wake up to this.

I think you need a safe place - counselling - to explain the true extent of your feelings and how lonely you've become. You've sacrificed so much for your family and you need support too... although it's often very hard to ask for it without an outside mediator to make her see that you're wanting the best for you all but feel overlooked.

Believe me, I know exactly how upsetting it is feeling overlooked and unappreciated... it destroys you and slowly eats away at you as a person.

You need to arrange an appointment with a counsellor, contact one of her family members and get them to cover the care of your son. This will not only help you enormously as a couple, but will make her see that your son can be left.
You need to make her see that Autism is ruling and ruining your lives.

Are there support groups for people that have a family member with autism? I had a brief look and came across this - http://www.scottishautism.org - perhaps they could refer you to groups, or at least find you babysitting cover for experts in this field. There must be so many people that could talk to who must be in the same position.

I agree that you need to have a full marriage, with sex. I think it's unfair that you've had a year and a half without having it... this is something you need to talk through in counselling too.

This other woman is no doubt flirting and loving the attention and lapping up the attention she's getting from you. She sounds as though she could be perhaps a selfish, predatory woman... or perhaps she's just happy and finds you attractive. No matter what, you're fully aware of the explosion you would inflict on your wife and family if you acted on your feelings. You need to seriously think of what will happen if you act on those feelings - would your life be better with her? Would she be worth leaving your wife and children for? Would she move area, as you couldn't possibly stay in such a small community when your wife and her family live there?

I agree that you're only on this planet once and you need to make the most of it.... but you sound an incredibly loyal and loving husband, who wouldn't be having this feelings if you didn't feel shunted to one side and not in a full marriage.

Get support for your marriage now... she needs to fully understand everything to act on them.

Also, i agree with LDT... if you're able to afford it, get someone to do your cleaning and housework.

Have you thought about an au pair? A cost effective way of having living child care - also could be a move towards having someone that your wife trusts, after time, to leave your son with.

Best of luck, I feel for you and really think you need to avoid this woman otherwise it's torture.
defeated is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th March 2015, 11:24 PM   #12
defeated
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 54
Re: A bad few days

How's it going sambrooklands?
defeated is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2015, 01:29 PM   #13
sambrooklands
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: A bad few days

Hi - not too bad.
My wife is still struggling with things and our son is particularly hard work this week. Under a fair bit of pressure with work also, so just about holding it all together. Just exhausted physically and emotionally however I have to keep going as I have been through worse. Starting to (maybe) get to grips with thoughts about this OW - I am trying really hard and hopefully making progress with myself. However things do happen when our paths cross and I just want to be with her.....
Also, an added complication is that her sister has invited me to a surprise 40th for the OW which is also a complication I could do without. Just want to love and be loved.
sambrooklands is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2015, 01:59 PM   #14
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: A bad few days

I am sure you realise that going to this party would be crazy. You need to avoid her as much as possible.
When you say her sister, do you mean the OW's sister? Has your wife been invited?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th March 2015, 06:19 PM   #15
sambrooklands
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 55
Re: A bad few days

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I am sure you realise that going to this party would be crazy. You need to avoid her as much as possible.
When you say her sister, do you mean the OW's sister? Has your wife been invited?
Yes it is the OW sister that is organising the party. The invite extends to my wife as well.
sambrooklands is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:42 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer