My wife of 16 years wants us to split - Page 3 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

N654563 · 2nd March 2015, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

How interesting. So you basically did a 180. Well done.

Thanks NDY, it is hard going though!

notDoneYet · 2nd March 2015, 08:28 PM

Yes, sometimes just identifying a 180 is as hard as carrying it out. I'm in a similar position right now and not sure what to do.

Raymond · 3rd March 2015, 08:17 AM

It's great that you were able to talk. Still no reason though.

I don't think she should move out as she is the one breaking up the marriage.

It is possible that someone else will move in if you move out. I don't think you should enable anything.

chosen · 3rd March 2015, 12:23 PM

Interesting that she is shocked that she shouldnt move out!!!

N654563 · 3rd March 2015, 02:13 PM

Just a quick one everyone. We are still talking about when is the right time to tell the children that there is something up as I think it won't take long for them to work things out if they catch me sleeping on the sofa. At the moment I'm going to bed late and getting up before they are up so that they don't see me. But my wife and I spoke yesterday about moving out and if I was the one to say "right I'm going" for the sake of harmony etc would this be positive in terms of me doing a 180 and making it look like I am moving on and accepting it (even though I'm not). In my heart I want to stay close to her and at home because I feel if i move out the space between us might be a bad thing from my point of view but I really think that staying so close to her knowing it is over is ripping me apart. Working together until September is looking like is the plan in terms of wrapping the business up, but seeing her all the time and not being able to enjoy all of the small things like hand holding or cuddling is absolutely killing me at the moment. But I also know being apart from her will just make me worry all the time that she is moving on with her life without me.

N654563 · 3rd March 2015, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

Interesting that she is shocked that she shouldnt move out!!!

Interesting indeed, as she said that our life together is what is making her unhappy with the lack of common interests, lack of communication but her life will be the same and worse with out me as she will still have no communication and will not be able to go out much because of the children so not much else to do, financially less well off as well. It just does not make sense unless there is someone else! I am going to gently pursue her moving out a bit more soon.

notDoneYet · 3rd March 2015, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

Interesting indeed, as she said that our life together is what is making her unhappy with the lack of common interests, lack of communication but her life will be the same and worse with out me as she will still have no communication and will not be able to go out much because of the children so not much else to do, financially less well off as well. It just does not make sense unless there is someone else! I am going to gently pursue her moving out a bit more soon.

This is interesting. I moved out of my house (yes, I know that was stupid) and I'm 9 weeks away from home but my WAW is just about begging for help at home as she's struggling on her own. Not sure what she expected when I left but there you go. Anyway if it were me I wouldn't pursue it, I'd let her bring it up. In fact I wouldn't talk about the relationship at all unless she brings it up.

N654563 · 3rd March 2015, 09:44 PM

Yeah, I think you are right. I have told her how I feel and how I believe I could change to make our relationship better but she refused to contemplate that and categorically said we were over. So I am going to continue to try and show her by facing up and getting on top of my character failings (and I definitely know that I have them) and becoming a better person. Whether she gets the benefit of that better person is up to her now.

You mentioned on Ralf's thread that you had some ideas on the 'needing me' theme? It would be good to hear them at some point if you have time. I am going to be a little on and off tonight as i have got a heap of stuff to do.

notDoneYet · 3rd March 2015, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

Yeah, I think you are right. I have told her how I feel and how I believe I could change to make our relationship better but she refused to contemplate that and categorically said we were over. So I am going to continue to try and show her by facing up and getting on top of my character failings (and I definitely know that I have them) and becoming a better person. Whether she gets the benefit of that better person is up to her now.

You mentioned on Ralf's thread that you had some ideas on the 'needing me' theme? It would be good to hear them at some point if you have time. I am going to be a little on and off tonight as i have got a heap of stuff to do.

So before I get onto the 'needing' bit, these changes you are making. That's brill. Me too. Just don't point them out to the wife. Let her notice herself or she will think it's fake. Keep the faith buddy.

N654563 · 3rd March 2015, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

So before I get onto the 'needing' bit, these changes you are making. That's brill. Me too. Just don't point them out to the wife. Let her notice herself or she will think it's fake. Keep the faith buddy.

I know what you mean, but it's hard not to show her the changes I am making. I have already told her that I have rejoined the gym but I can honestly say that the things I want to change in me and my life are all for my benefit anyway and not hers. If she likes what she sees and wants to reconnect then great but I need to get out and do things without having much time to think about stuff as it gets us all down. My motivation is about taking control of my life and doing things that benefit me, my health and my mind and of course my children's lives. One thing this has really hit me hard with is that I have realised how bad my personal situation had become in the way I was letting myself go and was not putting any effort into anything on a personal or relationship level. I was just plodding on with no real effort. I'm glad to hear you are getting on top of things in your situation as well. I am happy to hear and talk about your situation any time too NDY you don't have to be the wise one all the time!

Raymond · 4th March 2015, 10:34 AM

I think it is great you are doing things for yourself and changing yourself for you. Of course that would benefit her as well if she was open.

I think it is terribly wrong what she is doing instead of getting marriage counseling together which you have offered.

If there is someone else he would probably end up in your house instead of you if you left. I wouldn't enable her behaviour.

notDoneYet · 4th March 2015, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

I know what you mean, but it's hard not to show her the changes I am making. I have already told her that I have rejoined the gym but I can honestly say that the things I want to change in me and my life are all for my benefit anyway and not hers. If she likes what she sees and wants to reconnect then great but I need to get out and do things without having much time to think about stuff as it gets us all down. My motivation is about taking control of my life and doing things that benefit me, my health and my mind and of course my children's lives. One thing this has really hit me hard with is that I have realised how bad my personal situation had become in the way I was letting myself go and was not putting any effort into anything on a personal or relationship level. I was just plodding on with no real effort. I'm glad to hear you are getting on top of things in your situation as well. I am happy to hear and talk about your situation any time too NDY you don't have to be the wise one all the time!

Cheers, if only I was I wouldn't need to be here. But as for the rest of your post about not putting in any effort, that's exactly where I went wrong as well, and it's pretty hard to come back from that especially with my WAW's external life experiences getting in the way.

chosen · 4th March 2015, 03:43 PM

The thing is that in a marriage we do get comfortable, and why not? We assume that all is well unless we are told, and we cant be on tenderhooks all the time making sure we are being the 'perfect' spouse, just in case the other spouse may be discontent with us and want to leave. What a terrible way to l have to live.
Were your wives always doing their utmost best to be the perfect wife? How hard did they try and please you and do the right thing? Probably no more than you did, and yet when a wife wants to leave suddenly its all apparently your fault, well its not believe me.

My husband went though all this and more with his ex. TRying to change himself and become her 'ideal' man, keeping fit, swimming, running, going to the gym, etc being more attentive etc etc but you cant be anyone but yourself in the end, and as much as you can try, you cant morph into someone else. Despite all this she still met another man and divorced him, and needless to say she and the OM didnt last more than a few months, and 10 years later she is still alone.

Yes we all have room for some improvement, but taking all the blame and pandering to all their wishes isnt helpful. My husband did all that, thought it was all his fault(he was told that often enough), left the bedroom, left the home and his sons and was effectively made homeless, his family were the other side of the world, and her family ignored him.

Fortunately we met soon after, married 9 months after that, and I have been able to take this amazing man who was an empty shell and rejected and spurned, and bring him back to a happy, relaxed and very content man. We have had 10 amazing years together.

He is the most amazing lovely guy I have ever met. I have no idea why she rejected him, but her loss is my gain, and I have realised that some people will never be happy or content no matter what they have in life, and others are just impossible to please.

So yes make improvements for yourself and your children and your future happiness, but dont take all the blame or pander to their unreasonable demands that you must leave the house/bed, because if they want the marriage to end, then they need to be the ones who make arrangements to leave and get a new place to live, and maybe they will then realise that its not going to be so easy starting again on their own and have second thoughts. Do you want another man to move into your home or live with your children??? Thats what may well happen in the future.

There is absolutely NO way that I would EVER have left my home or children for ANYONE. They would have to drag me away in chains first. Dont be so soft, dont enable bad behaviour, stand up for yourself and your children(who need their dad with them).Be polite but firm, your wives wont be so keen to separate if its they who must hunt for a place to live, find the money to do it and have to be the one to leave their home and children. Dont make it easy for them to destroy the family, fight for it. They will think twice if you dont fall over and comply with all their demands.

ralfgarnett · 4th March 2015, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

The thing is that in a marriage we do get comfortable, and why not? We assume that all is well unless we are told, and we cant be on tenderhooks all the time making sure we are being the 'perfect' spouse, just in case the other spouse may be discontent with us and want to leave. What a terrible way to l have to live.
Were your wives always doing their utmost best to be the perfect wife? How hard did they try and please you and do the right thing? Probably no more than you did, and yet when a wife wants to leave suddenly its all apparently your fault, well its not believe me.

My husband went though all this and more with his ex. TRying to change himself and become her 'ideal' man, keeping fit, swimming, running, going to the gym, etc being more attentive etc etc but you cant be anyone but yourself in the end, and as much as you can try, you cant morph into someone else. Despite all this she still met another man and divorced him, and needless to say she and the OM didnt last more than a few months, and 10 years later she is still alone.

Yes we all have room for some improvement, but taking all the blame and pandering to all their wishes isnt helpful. My husband did all that, thought it was all his fault(he was told that often enough), left the bedroom, left the home and his sons and was effectively made homeless, his family were the other side of the world, and her family ignored him.

Fortunately we met soon after, married 9 months after that, and I have been able to take this amazing man who was an empty shell and rejected and spurned, and bring him back to a happy, relaxed and very content man. We have had 10 amazing years together.

He is the most amazing lovely guy I have ever met. I have no idea why she rejected him, but her loss is my gain, and I have realised that some people will never be happy or content no mater what they have in life, and others are just impossible to please.

So yes make improvements for yourself and your children and your future happiness, but dont take all the blame or pander to their unreasonable demands that you must leave the house/bed, because if they want the marriage to end, then they need to be the ones who make arrangements to leave and get a new place to live, and maybe they will then realise that its not going to be so easy starting again on their own and have second thoughts. Do you want another man to move into your home or live with your children??? Thats what may well happen in the future.

There is absolutely NO way that I would EVER have left my home or children for ANYONE. They would have to drag me away in chains first. Dont be so soft, dont enable bad behaviour, stand up for yourself and your children(who needs their dad with them).Be polite but firm, your wives wont be so keen to separate if its they who must hunt for a place to live, find the money to do it and have to be the one to leave their home and children. Dont make it easy for them to destroy the family, fight for it. They will think twice if you dont fall over and comply with all their demands.

Wise words Dear Chosen and excellently put if you don't mind me saying so, I agree with everything you said here, yes we do become comfortable in marriage and why shouldn't we, we cant second guess our spouses all the time wondering if their happy or not, that would be like mental torture all the time and would tie you up in knots, personally I too was very happy in our marriage but my wife wasn't but she never said a word or indicated anything at all about being unhappy with her lot, and I know damn well that had I asked her she wouldn't of told me, thanks chosen you have made me think.

notDoneYet · 4th March 2015, 05:30 PM

Well said yet again Chosen

What I've discovered thus far is that the letting yourself go/ being comfortable as an excuse to break up a marriage is simply a symptom of something else. The real issues isn't the marriage, or the LBS (left behind spouse) but the person going thought the MLC (mid life crisis, cos that's what this is) and they doesn't see it that way. There is nothing in the world that can help them apart from themselves. That's why the improvements need to be for you and you alone. I'm willing to bet Chosen that your husbands first wife regrets quite a lot about her past, yet at the time, to her at least the decisions she was making were the correct ones even though it didn't turn out that way in the end.

Peace