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Old 27th March 2008, 02:06 PM   #46
Raymond
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Re: asking for your prayers

I see a change in you HC. Not the passive one you appeared to be at first. You are beginning to realise what is happening and bracing yourself for it. Nothing justifies what she is doing. I see a strength coming in you that is prepared for the worst if necessary. This has to be brought to an end one way or the other. Her dithering around is wasting your life. Better she was hot or cold.

Micou speaks sense.

Raymond
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Old 27th March 2008, 03:36 PM   #47
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

Thank you both for your support. Raymond, don't let my words on this thread fool you. I am still very passive and held back when in her presence. I am finally starting to realize that i need to do what i can to take care of my children and myself. I have done all i can to try and work this out with her, and she is just not interested. The sad thing is that i can see the utter confusion in her and i really feel for what she will have to go through when reality actually sets in for her. I just wish that there were some way that she could see that now to save all of this pain that our family is currently feeling. For now i will continue to take care of my children and move forward to ending what has become a miserable relationship between us. I will always have the memories of the wonderful experiences that we shared for so long. It is true that it is better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all. I feel blessed that i was given as many wonderful years with her as i had.
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Old 27th March 2008, 07:46 PM   #48
Raymond
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Re: asking for your prayers

You can still pray for her HC. Prayer changes things. God will not force her but if she is His child He will work even if it means bringing her to the end of herself if necessary. You don't sound passive on here. That has to transfer to reality. She won't respect you if she is allowed to walk all over you, because you are afraid to lose her. you still have to be yourself under God. I read the other day that if we let go of things that love us they will come back even stronger.

Raymond
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Old 27th March 2008, 08:31 PM   #49
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

I will always continue to pray for her. I truly do love her with all of my heart and it really pains me to see her and know that her actions right now are out of the pain and confusion that she is bearing on the inside. I will always keep the faith and i do believe that there will be something good that comes from this in the end. Sometimes i don't understand why God works the way he does, but it always seems to make sense at some point in time. It is really hard for me to have a cold shoulder attitude towards her and to move forward without her. I almost feel like i am being so deceiving to her. I understand that i am just protecting me and my children because of her actions, but i feel like i should be protecting and saving her. I also understand that i can not help someone that doesn't want help. I pray to God every day that he can perform a miracle and let her see what she is doing and to come back home physically, mentally, and spiritually. Until that day i will try to find peace within myself and keep taking care of my children.
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Old 27th March 2008, 09:11 PM   #50
Raymond
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Re: asking for your prayers

I don't believe it is God's will that this is happening. He did not initiate it. Another power is working here and we know who that is. However as I said He can work it for good if we let Him. If we want to indulge the flesh He will not stop us. He is too much of a gentleman and we are not robots.

It is difficult for you but you are showing good signs in my opinion.

Raymond
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Old 28th March 2008, 07:31 AM   #51
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Re: asking for your prayers

HC, keep praying. Just keep on praying on and keeping that faith strong! Keep saying to the Lord and re-affirming over and over that you trust him and despite everything you know he will grant you a harvest! No, it may not be what you want right now (i.e. Mrs HC coming to her senses and falling with grief into your arms) but it will be even better!!! Keep the faith!

Hug those babies of yours! Plenty of kisses and cuddles with daddy!!! Tons and tons of loving from daddy!!!! That's your mission, you hear me?

Let me tell you something that may surprise you (cos it shocked me when someone said the same thing to me), when your other half finally comes to her senses - you may find that you don't even want her after all - shocked you, didn't I? Because you can't even begin to imagine that right now. It could happen! But let me tell you this, being weak to keep her keeps giving her a passport to abuse you! Oh yes, my friend, you (and I) have been abused by our partners BIG time!! They are torturing us by withholding the very thing from us that we need from them - think of a starving prisoner who gets food withheld from him (yes am being extreme, but you get the picture). Now, do you fight for YOUR (and your babies' lives) and rights for peace, or do you keep allowing the guards to torture you?

Another scenario, what if one of your precious babies was being tortured right now, would you stand by cos you didn't want to upset the torturer or you go in Rambo-style and kick the torturer's butt??? Think about it.

In UK, Monday 31 March marks the first day of spring and the blossoms are already looking pretty on the trees, despite the weird Easter Holiday weather that we had over here (am amazed that I even noticed the flowers with all the grief in my life right now). Despite all the pain in my heart I intend to keep busy with my babies and keep thanking God for whatever plans He has for me!!! Hang in there!!! You're not alone!!! Without God I am nothing!!! Without God's blessing on anything in my life, I wouldn't want it - would you?

I am due to be going away for a few days next week to a place of prayer and worship, I would like your permission to light a candle for you and your babies while I am there - I am making it a special pilgrimage for everyone I know of (even those I have never met) who is suffering because of their spouses.
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Old 28th March 2008, 03:14 PM   #52
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

You certainly don't need my permission to light a candle for me. However, i would like to tell you that is very sweet of you. It makes me feel so good to know that there are still people like you in the world. It just gives me so much hope. I will keep taking care of my children, please don't even think that is not a possibility. They are leaving tonight to go to the in-laws for the weekend and all of next week (spring break). My w said that she was taking some time off of work too. She said that i will probably not hear from her until at least Wednesday. She is confusing me so much. She kind of eluded to the fact that she was still really confused on what she wants. I don't know if she really is, or if she is just being deceptive. Her actions have shown no signs that she is interested in anything but herself. She made some comments last night about still considering if she might want to make this work, but just doesn't know if she can or really wants to. I don't know if she is just saying all of this stuff to buy herself time and get me to back off from what i am doing with the lawyers, or if she is truly confused and trying to figure things out. As i stated her actions show that she is with him and wants to be with him and has shown me no signs that she is interested in our family or marriage at all. The confusion that lies with me is that i have been praying to God to help save my marriage and family. Now if i continue to go forward and do what i need to do to protect me and our children (temporary custody is the next thing she will be hit with) it might just ruin any chance that i have to repair this. If i stop everything, i could just be putting myself in a situation to lose everything if she is just being deceptive. How do i manage these thoughts? I have been praying to God to guide me, but there is no clear signs on what i should do.
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Old 28th March 2008, 04:10 PM   #53
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Re: asking for your prayers

I am in a similar situation with regard to whether I hang in there or move on without him - hence this pilgrimage. It also gets me away from him and my living nightmare for a few days. I believe that a change of scenery, people and environment will do me a world of good.

I too have been to see a solicitor who gave me very good advice. However, I walked out of her office feeling numb!

In your situation, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I would have thrown her out - come back when you've made your mind up! There is NO WAY that I would tolerate that. I KNOW that. I am not willing to be under the same roof as someone whose divided - go somewhere neutral and choose! Be divided somewhere else! Be confused somewhere else! That way, when the decision is made I know that that person will choose to be with me, because that is what THEY 100% want - or they choose to be elsewhere - either way you KNOW.

You are being too tolerant! You don't deserve this and yes, I can say that because I am also in pain and not speaking from the perspective of someone who has never been in your shoes. (Let me stop right here and send you a warm, tight (((HUG))))).

I believe that you are being too nice to her and therefore permitting her to keep wiping your nose in her mess. You need to stand up to her and say choose! OR, tell her to leave the family home while she is undecided because it is causing too much harm to the family - and right now you are not being a family! That is another side of protecting your babies. Their mother is damaging them by her selfish behaviour and she therefore needs to be treated appropriately.

With regard to God, my current prayer is based on what God wants for my marriage. I have 'fessed up to the Lord that I am very confused about what I want because I am with someone whom I do not feel has my best interests at heart and for that reason I NEED God to take over the controls and steer our ship. One minute I want to fight for my marriage, but then I am hit with the reality that my husband wanted to maintain a . . . for want of a better word . . . "sex" buddy behind my back! I do NOT deserve that, despite the fact that I am still crazy about him.

Therefore young man. Your prayer will be this: " Dear Lord, I raise to you my marriage and my relationship with my wife. Lord, you are all knowing, all seeing, all hearing and you alone know what is best for both of us right now. My wife's behaviour is tearing me apart because I still love her so much and I still believe in our vows. I love her and I want our marriage to work. I also want peace, love and happiness in our home. Lord, you can see what is going on between us. I no longer know what to do because I am so confused inside and I am in so much pain. Lord, I place my marriage into your hands. Only you know what is best for all of us and I ask that your will be done in our lives." Of course, you can substitute the words to whatever feels better to you - but you get the gist? This is what you need to bring to God - I should know, cos this is what I bring to God every time I get on my knees.

God knows you are confused, but rather than make a difficult decision on your own, let the Almighty deal with it - he loves you and he loves your wife too (and whether we like it or not, he also loves the idiots that they have been cheating on us with - hard to accept, but fact of life). The best thing to do is to give it all up to Him and let Him sort it - sow a seed and wait for the Lord to grant you a Harvest.
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Old 28th March 2008, 06:32 PM   #54
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

Micou,

I will use you suggestion for prayer. I really like how it is worded and the meaning behind what you are asking for.

I would just like you to know that i have asked my w to leave until this is all figured out. Unfortunately, the house is as much hers as mine and i can not force her out. She knows that if she leaves that it is abandonment to the kids (legally) and she would have a good chance of losing them in a custody battle. She had asked me to leave in the past, and i refused for the same reasons along with telling her that she is the one who is making the decision to break the family not me and if she wants time apart she should be the one inconvienienced. Not to mention i am the only consistent thing in our kids lives right now.

I have tried to put all of this into Gods hands and to let him take care of it. I truly believe that both you and i will become better people out of this in the long run. I have prayed to God for some sort of resolution and just for some inner peace for all of us. The problem is that i am still so confused. I don't know whether i should still be there doing everything to support our marriage, or continuing down the road legally to end it.

I would give anything to try and salvage what is left and work on rebuilding a new relationship with my w. I just feel that if i continue to do things legally i will lose any opportunity for that to happen, but if she is just playing me right now that i will lose any opportunity i have to keep my children with me. I really wish i could receive some clear sign that would tell me what i am supposed to do. I guess i could take the sign that she is not leaving him as one i am supposed to follow, but what about her seeming to be so confused when talking to me?? Could it really just be all deception?
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Old 29th March 2008, 08:36 AM   #55
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Re: asking for your prayers

Let me share with you a piece of advice that the solicitor told me - I think you're in the States?? So I am not sure if this may apply to your laws. In UK law you can cite Behaviour as a reason for the divorce and within that context you can list all the things that your spouse has done which makes it impossible for you to live with them e.g. adultery and any other things that you find impossible to live with. Therefore, whether she lives the house or not, you still have something you can use as the reason for ending the marriage - abandonment is only one of the many.

Also remember that you are limited to the amount of time you can use to file for divorce from the time of the discovery of the affair - nine months, I think she said?

I really believe that your wife has you sussed and as long as you keep tolerating her EVIL behaviour, she has a clean licence to live a double life - with YOUR permission. She knows that what she is doing is cruel and she will keep doing it as long as she is allowed to do so. How about a shock to HER system?

Let me tell you what I did when I first found out about my H and his FIEND - when the fighting had got too much for me to bear and I was dreading coming home to him, I took a Friday off work, collected my kids from school and disappeared for the weekend without a word to him (stayed with some friends who supported me).

I contacted the local police station to alert them to what was going on and gave them details of where to reach me - just in case he rang them in worry. I then switched off my mobile for the remainder of the weekend.

During that time I did LOADS of crying surrounded by people who loved me and my kids had a great time among their friends and being spoilt. When I got back my H was wreck! He looked at me bloodshot eyes (clearly panicking that I had left him) and what I threw in his face was this "at least now you know how it feels when you love someone and they treat you like you really don't exist, don't you?" Yes, my behaviour was cruel to HIM. Yes, I put him through hell. Yes, I made him feel small. Yes, I cost him sleepless nights, but I got my point across!
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Old 29th March 2008, 09:35 PM   #56
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

You are correct about me being in the U.S. I hear what you are saying about the divorce, however in the state that i live it is a no fault divorce state. What that means is everything that she has done really has no bearing on our divorce as the law sees it. It will be filed as irreckonsiable differences.(sp) What she is doing will affect her in a custody battle. Anything that she does that affects the kids or exposes them to a bad situation will be able to be used against her. All the times that she is leaving the house for the weekends and leaving them to my care will help me as well, because it shows that i have been the primary care provider for them and that she is self sufficient and has a place to go outside of the house. All the family money that she is spending on him does not look good for her, all the times that she calls him while they are with her, etc. You see she can really do whatever she wants with him as long as it is not being exposed to the kids at this point. She did take the kids up to her parents yesterday and they will be there all week. I really have no idea where she will be, or when she is coming home. I will call my children every day, and i can't wait until next Friday when i get to go and pick them up. This is going to be a very lonely week for me. There will be no one (including the dog) at the house. I really was hoping that she would use some of this time away to clear her head without any distractions and talk with her family about the situation. Unfortunately looking at her phone records i noticed that she was talking to him on the phone for about 1 1/2 hours while on her 3 hour drive up to her parents yesterday. This when the kids are right in the back seat. That really would have been a great time for her to do some bonding and talk with the kids, but i guess that is not where her priorities are at this point. As i have said before, there really is nothing more that i can say or do at this point. I will continue to move along with our divorce and try to get myself set up the best i can for getting custody of our children. I hate that i have to do this, but she has given me no choice and i have to do what is in the best interest of our children right now and take them out of this situation that she has put all of us in. I would love to do some of the things that you have suggested, but i really need to watch what i say and do at all times right now, as i am sure she is keeping a detailed log on me as well. You never know, maybe when all this reality hits her she just might wake up. Then again, it might just push her closer to him. I will do what i have to do and leave it in Gods hands to take care of the rest.
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Old 29th March 2008, 10:13 PM   #57
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

I hope you're keeping copies of those phone records - of course you are. I find it unreal that she is behaving in this manner and rubbing your nose in it. That is extreme mental cruelty.

Do you have family or close friends that you could hang out with during this week in order to curb the loneliness? It would do you good to distract youself and be in a different environment with different people - that's what am craving like crazy. Maybe you could spend a couple of nights away just being among other people and having conversations other than what your wife is doing - I know that will be very hard to do because she is on your mind 24/7, but it will help you somewhat.

I lit a candle for you and your babies in church today and I prayed for everyone everywhere who is suffering because of selfish spouses. I think I have found my mission in life - be a walking prayer for broken hearted people - after all I know first hand what that feels like.

God is great. Keep the faith. Hang in there - easier said than done, I know.
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Old 30th March 2008, 06:20 AM   #58
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

Micou you truly are a wonderful person! Thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers and for lighting the candle. I truly believe that all of the kindness and faith that you have will pull you through your tough times and bring you the happiness that you are so deserving of and desiring. I would ask that you also keep my w in your prayers as well. I know that she is hurting and confused inside and i pray for her every day that she will find some peace within herself so she will be able to become the wonderful person that i have always known her to be until this whole fiasco started. Whether it be with me or someone else, i just don't believe she will ever be truly happy until she realizes that she has many issues about herself that need to be repaired.

Of course i am keeping all of the records. I also keep a daily journal with all of the things that are being said and done. I do have some friends that i have spent some time with this weekend which has been very nice. Unfortunately my family is not close to where i currently live, so i spend a lot of time talking to them on the phone instead of being able to be with them. I wish that i could do some things that keep my mind off of the situation, but everything i do these days just reminds me of everything that i had and am about to lose. I try to think of how things will be and how i can become a better father and have a closer relationship with my children. Right now my thoughts keep getting pulled to all of the negative things and the pain that i feel for what is going on with my relationship. I think that until it is actually over i will have a hard time thinking of anything else. Once she is actually gone i believe that i will be able to start the healing process. It is just too hard right now when i have to see her every day knowing that i can not show her the love that i feel for her inside or receive anything but disrespect on her side. It is hard to explain exactly how i feel. I either want to hug her and tell her i love her, or i want to hate her and try to hurt her back. At the end of the day, the true feelings i have for her is love for what we once shared and what i feel would not be impossible to recover.

God is great! I will keep the faith and keep plugging on and try to take it one day at a time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.
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Old 1st April 2008, 11:53 AM   #59
Micou
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Re: asking for your prayers

Just popping in quickly to say that I am off now for a few days break - oh yeah! Hang in there young trooper! Be thinking of you and praying for you and your babies.

Hugs

Mic
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Old 7th April 2008, 06:13 PM   #60
hurt and confused
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Re: asking for your prayers

Hey Micou,

I hope you had a fun break. I also hope you found a little peace within yourself.

I however have had a really messed up last week. I told you that she took the kids to her mom's for spring break. Well, she took some time off of work as well. Instead of spending any of it with the kids, she took a romantic vacation with her boyfriend for a week.

I decided to pick the kids up a few days early and spend some time with them on their break so i took them to a waterpark and spend the night. The night that we were gone, she had him spend the night at our house. I am just totally disgusted with her lack of respect for anything or anyone at this point. I was stupid enough to really believe that she was going to take some of that time off and do a little self reflection and spend it with family.

She has made it clear to me what her intentions are and what she wants. I guess i can just keep taking care of my children and myself and stop trying to help her any more. I hope that one day the lord will touch her heart and open her eyes to all this disaster she has created and she will be able to learn a valuable life lesson from this. It is sooooo sad and my heart just aches for what is going to come for all of us.
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