Religious differences

I am having some real problems figuring out what to do with my relationship. I have been cohabitating with my fiancee for about a year now and things have been fairly good for the most part. During that time, I paid all the bills, including extra expenses that she incurred. I did this to help her because she was having trouble in school. However, during that time I ignored many of my concerns with the relationship because I was busy finishing up college.

Right now my girlfriend really wants us to get married, but part of me can't do it. I have a real fear that things will crumble because she is not a Christian (and I am) and she has different experiences and philosophical ideologies than me. Just today, I finally told her the problems that I had been bottling up inside. I know that I hurt her by saying that I was scared about what we would do with children and our future (since we would probably not agree on what to tell them as parents).

This is really hard and I have no clear answer. I love her but at the same time I wonder -- is love enough? Will loving her mean that we have happiness in the future? I can't help but fear the fate that thousands of divorced couples face when they cannot reconcile a serious issue like religion or raising a child. I don't want to get into a marriage that is doomed to fail and put me into the role of the man who mails off a child-support and alimony check every month.

Please help me if you have any advice to guide my difficult decision. Thank you.

[Rosalind]

You are right to be concerned about your religious differences, and it's a good thing you are facing them now, because if your relationship is to survive, you need to work out a way of coping with your differences.

You don't mention whether your fiancee is an atheist, an agnostic or a believer in another faith. Some faiths are more accepting than others of relationships with christians,but many christians would counsel you against marrying someone of another faith. How do your respective families feel about your relationship? Are they supporting you or do you have difficulties with families and friends?

I am part of a network for couples in interfaith marriages, and know that there are indeed happy and successful marriages between couples who don't share the same religion. But, as you have found, we have to face issues that same-faith or secular couples don't have to think about. If you want to know more about our group, you can contact interfaithmarriage@topica.com and I can give more details.

[Dave]

Dear Locosurfer,

I think you are already doing the most important thing - having the courage to face into the issues and deal with them. All too often in the excitement of a Romantic relationship we see couples who won't deal with issues because they "don't want to rock the boat!". Burying things only leaves them to surface later.

There are a number of the pre-marriage resources that can help you work through some of the issues. Both PREPARE and FOCCUS will constructively help you and your partner better understand the issues from your different spiritual values. A weekend like Engaged Encounter can help both of you work on all aspects of a marriege relationship together. A decision NOT to marry can be just as valid an outcome from any of these programmes as a decision to go ahead.

You ask "Is love enough?" As a Christian, you already have one answer to that - it is enough as long as it's unconditional. However you ask also if it will assure "happiness". My answer to that is that nothing in this world will ensure "happiness" - indeed the marriage vows are "for better or for worse"... ie they include an unconditional promise that even if not "happy" that you will work on through.

If you both have real love in an unconditional way, and develop the skills to value your differences and deal with them in a way that seeks the best for each other, then you will have some strong foundations. As a Christian I'd then seek the assurance of the Lord's will through prayer with your fellowship, because whatever life throws at you, He has the strength.

Really hope this helps

Dave

I may have left this out in my original post:


My girlfriend is a Wiccan and considers herself a wiccan "witch." In addition to the fact that we differ on religion and philosophy, she has endured some very bad experiences that were done in the name of Christianity. In my view, people of any religion often do bad things and justify their actions with religious beliefs because they need something to back them up. In her case, a man in a previous relationship used to beat her and say that it was in the name of God and Christianity. I have really tried to listen to her problems and work with her issues -- but she doesn't want her future children to be raised Christian or be read anything from the Bible. I told her that I would only want them to have knowledge of the good points and basic philosophies that help me in my daily life. I would never use my beliefs or twist them to justify prejudice against other people for their religion, sexual preference, or any other attribute.

In response to my concerns, she states that they could easily learn the "same" values from a number of other sources and that it would not be necessary to tell them about my religion.

Because I am going to law school in about 7 weeks, we have been seriously discussing marriage. Right now, I either have to marry her or end the relationship. Other options were discussed, but thats what it boils down to in the end.

Dave and Rosalind -- thanks for the advice. It really helped me.

[Dave]

Locosurfer

Thanks for adding the extra information. I believe in your own heart you have already seen the dangers that lie ahead. However, don't take the decision because it might not end in "happiness", but because your conscience and your spirit have searched for what is right.

The team here rarely give "black and white" answers as we rarely have sufficient information to do other than to offer guidance, and even here I cannot be sure we know all the facts. However, marriage involves seeking not only a unity of mind and body, but also of spirit. It is very clear that the two of you will face radical pressures that will ultimately lead to compromised values by one or other of you - this is not a secure basis for marriage.

You face one of the toughest tests anyone can - the choice between standing for what you believe is right in the long term, and the easy road of setting ones values aside to make someone you are very fond of happy in the short term. Only you can decide which is the right decision, and which will stand the test of time.

Our prayers are with you

Dave

Dave:

Your words have helped me more than you'll ever know. I appreciate your straightforwardness and insight on my situation. I have been ignoring these problems for a really long time, hoping that they would disappear or change.
I talked to her for a whole night last week and it evolved into a rather intense discussion with crying, anger, sadness, and pain for us both. I knew that I couldn't marry her, but it was hard to face that reality.

After that night, she and I agreed to go onward together (like we were) without getting married. For a few days, this seemed like a decent solution to everything. I went to my parents house this weekend and she went to her parents. This Sunday she calls me, while at my parents house, and gives me an ultimatum. She said that she will not change her beliefs and that I had to accept the fact that she considered herself a pagan witch. Also, she said that, dispite my wishes, any future children would NOT be raised as Christians. Finally, she said that I would have to disassociate myself from my parents and tell them that they could not be involved in our life and would have no place in our family. I told her that I'd talk to her later and hung up the phone. It hurt me at that moment, but something finally broke down inside of me. I knew that I couldn't go on like this. Even though I feel true love for her, care about her, and have supported her in every way for a year, I am emotionally extinguished and depleted. I have given myself so much that I am worn down to very little in the form of confidence and self-assurance.

I went out to a bookstore shortly after the phone call to clear my head and think. When I came back I found out that she had called and because I wasn't there she assumed I was coming back to the apartment. She called her father, who lives 3.5 hours away, and said that my parents and I were going to hurt her because we were mad. When I found out about all of this I was completely shocked because I am a very peaceful person and I would never do something like that to her. I told her that things weren't right and it couldn't go on like this.

At this point she began telling me how much she loved me, cared about me, and that I was the love of her life. She made very kind comments and made statements about her love for me. It hurt very badly to hear her talk like this and tell me such kind words. She acted so kind and loving that I feel severe emotional pain rushing through my body. I felt so bad. I just ended the conversation with few words and watched television. After about an hour, she called -- but something seemed to tell me that I shouldn't answer. She called me until 2 AM. I know that if I had answered, I may have been broken down emotionally with her words. I love her and I know that I would not have been able to do this on a face-to-face level.

However, my things are still sitting in that apartment with her. Right now, I am thinking that it would be best to allow her to finish her classes these next few days and get my things after she moves. I don't want to have a bad final memory of her because that would really pain me. After all, I am doing this because I know that it is right ---even though I still love her deeply.

Obviously, right now I am in a really difficult situation and I feel very emotionally troubled. I will stand by the decision but it will be hard. I am very emotionally hurt, so I appreciate any support that people may have.


Dave, thank you! You have definitely been part of the answers to my prayers for help and guidance.

[This message has been edited by locosurfer (edited 02 July 2001).]

[Dave]

Dear Locosurfer,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Remember, "Courage is not the absence of fear or pain; it is acknowledging the full depth of both.... and then deciding to go on."

Be Courageous - and trust in Him who gave everything for you

Dave

Thanks for the encouragement. Things are really hard because I have lost a lot by choosing to go forward with my decision. I have no one to talk to, no friends near my parents house, and nothing but emotional pain and depression because I keep thinking about my love for her and the good times that we experienced. This hurts so incredibly bad and it feels like I have just gone into a divorce. I was with her for so long and did so many things to support and help her- -- but now all I feel is empty and scared. I had the courage to make the decision to end everything. However, like you said the fear and the pain are very much a part of this situation. I will stick to my decision, but it is hurting me and I feel emotional pain from all of these drastic changes in my life. I left all of my friends because I am here with my parents and now I feel more alone than I have felt in a long time. This is definitely one of the toughest tests I have ever faced -- I just hope that I make it through the situation without feeling too bad abou myself and what is going on.

I feel like I need help or someone that will talk to me . I am hurting so badly and I feel like I have no one that will really understand me or talk to me.


Thanks,

Justin

[This message has been edited by locosurfer (edited 03 July 2001).]

[Dave]

Justin

Your pain and hurt is tangible in the words you have shared - and though it is only a small help, we are here to "talk".

I can recall driving away from my (then) Fiancee's home the day we split up, and literally roaring with the hurt and sadness as we parted. It took years for the wounds to heal fully - not that they stopped me from moving on, and indeed later marrying my dear wife Liz, but both of us know that the pain of that day is a real part of my past.

Are you a part of a fellowship or church?? Even your local priest or similar may be able just to be a listening ear for a while.

In less than 6 weeks you will be off to law school - is there some preparation you can do? Maybe there's some work you could do around your parents place? I'm not suggesting that you can bury your pain through activity, but constructively filling some hours with something tied to your future could just give your mind a break from the constant memories.

Hang in there!! - in year's to come you will look back to today thankful that you had courage and stood for what you know is the right decision - and you will reflect on all that you have learned in the cauldron of pain where you stand today.

Dave

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied: "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

- By Margaret Fishback Powers

Thanks to everyone who helped me get through this difficult process.

I feel much better now, but I know that it will take awhile to fully feel confident in the "relationships" aspect of my life. One thing that still troubles me is that when I moved my things out for the last time, I discovered that she took several personal items that belonged to me and purposely left me a bulk of bills that I had to pay.

Oh well -- I guess I should just count the whole thing as a valuable lesson.


Anyway, Thanks so much.

Best wishes,

Justin

YOUR SPOUSE IS SAVED BY YOUR GRACE.....AND IF YOU PRACTICE YOUR CHRISTIANITY....THEN SHE WILL WANT WHAT YOU HAVE....LOVE HER!
AND LET HER SEE YOUR LOVE...HECK YOU DID CHOSE TO LOVE A PERSON THAT WASNT A CHRISTIAN .....YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ON THE FIRST DATE AFTER YOU ASKED HER IF SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN .......YOU DONT GO THROUGH A RELATIOPSHIP WITH A NON-CHRISTIAN IF YOU DONT WANT TO FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED .......CHANCES ARE IT MAY HAPPEN!

LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES---> OOPS SPELLING.