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Old 28th December 2005, 12:47 PM   #1
SarahM
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Christian/Muslim marriage problems

[color=black]I'm new, so hello. Please I need some help and advice...[/color]

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[color=black]I married my Muslim husband in October of last year and if I'm honest it has never been easy. There are so many differences and its ruining what we had. When I met him he wasn't practising, we met in a club whilst he was drunk and he moved in with me shortly afterwards. At that time I was in the process of a divorce which he didn't seem to mind about. His father died about a year later - after we had done Fetiha in his home country. I agreed to do as I was told, he didn't even really explain what went on - but I am confident in my religion and went along with it. A year later we married in England, firstly in a Registry Office so religion was not a problem but I wanted to be blessed, we modified the wedding so as not to offend or cause a problem with Islam for my husband or his friends, which meant I had no sign of the cross and no kneeling - I did this for him. 4 weeks prior to our wedding he decides hold me that if and when we have children they must be Muslim, now I'm sorry, I love my husband but I find this very difficult. My husband has now semi-returned to practicing Islam - he doesn't pray or go to the mosque - doesn't drink, only eats halal and is now pretty much trying to keep us at home. Due to his semi-return my life has changed, I don't drink, we very rarely go out, I end up eating halal, which I don't agree with, but I have to accept this because of him. We all know from above my husband has committed extremely serious sins, I was not the first woman he had an affair with. He tells me he will be punished severely for these sins but the fact is he still insists the children must be Muslim. I don't understand this, if he was fully practising then perhaps (and it is perhaps) I could understand this better but he is not. We have discussed names of children so we can try and find some common ground - Joseph and Yousef but he insists that they must been known as Yousef - I am fair haired and blue eyed - what if we have a child the same, he is going to have so much to deal with from a very early age. I do not hate Islam, but I do not understand the constrains it puts upon us, my Christianity never comes into it, we are never not able to do anything due to Christianity. I feel I sound like a spoilt child who is not getting her way but this is splitting up our relationship, I love my husband but he will not give on one point, which I'm lead to believe is Islam - can anyone else give me some ideas on how to get through this, I don't want to divorce but its getting to the point where I just don't want to be miserable anymore. I'm 32 years old, I don't go out other than to work - I hold down 2 jobs while he has 1, I stay at home, cook halal and feel I have given up my identity. There are many many more things that have gone wrong in the last 3 years too many to put on here and they are all based around my husband's selfishness towards me and my religion.[/color]

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[color=black]I am sorry to have ranted on but I'm desperate to find people who have been through this and got out the other side. Sorry to be so miserable on my first posting.[/color]

[font=Arial] [/font]
[font=Arial]Kind regards[/font]
[font=Arial]Sarah[/font]
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Old 28th December 2005, 03:40 PM   #2
jools
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Hi Sarah
I haven't shared similar experiences to you but am familiar with what you describe as we have many muslim friends. One particular family that my H and I have been friends with since leaving college. The boys were all born in this country and had/have local accents. They smoked, drank alcohol frequented clubs and dated white British girls. The one boy fell deeply in love with a work colleague and they dated for years. And then when the time was right he followed through with his family's expectations and married a girl from his country of origin (known to the family). The long term girlfriend was "dumped"! These "boys" (now in their forties), all married girls from back home though they continue to drink in pubs, smoke, celebrate Christmas to the full and live a very western style of life. They certainly don't observe the Halal rule. They married Pakistani girls because they really wanted to keep the extended family happy. They would never allow any of the older generation to see them breaking the rules and would do nothing to upset the family's status quo.

Which is why your situation is quite unusual. Did his family not try to stop your marriage in the first place? Did you not discuss these cultural differences and how you'd resolve them. Especially as regards having children. Or has he changed his mind recently? Sounds to me like the death of his father has stirred up guilty feelings in him which has turned him back to his religion. He probably "sees" his father watching and judging him. Their religion runs very deep and very strong, and I'm not sure how your desires can hope to compete with this. Generally Muslim men expect their wives to be obedient - something that a lot of us western women would find very difficult. Also something that many western raised Muslim women find hard to deal with. You need to talk (obviously) and consider YOUR happiness (not just his). If it seems that these differences cannot be overcome then there seems little hope for the marriage. For God's sake don't have children before you have things well and truly sorted!
Jools. X
________
[URL="http://bodyscience.ws/"]BODY SCIENCE[/URL]

Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 28th December 2005, 03:55 PM   #3
SarahM
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

[color=black]Thanks Jools, your comments are much appreciated. This is based around his father's death but I do think it would have happened at some point.[/color]

[color=black]His family had no problems with us marrying, they are not in the UK but North African, they push religion when I am there and I got to the mosque with my husband's mum when I can because her own daughters won't. They seem to be quite tolerant, but I'm not sure they would be if they thought I was "acting up". My husband came to England in 2001 to study and we met the following year, I wasn't his first girlfriend and he was and is very happy to live the "western" life when he chooses... I have tried my hardest to read and learn about Islam, I'm always asking questions and reading and finding my own answers. Once my husbands training ended he could only return on a Fiancé Visa which meant we had to marry after 6 months, trouble was he came back into the country still not practicing - it was part way through the wedding plans when he asked about a church blessing that he was told the children must be Muslim - If I'm honest, I can't believe he didn't know, but he swears he didn't. It therefore left me 4 weeks to decide what to do. We had always previously been able to sort things so I assumed (stupidly) that we could sort this as well but I honestly don't think we can. We talked to an imam and I was totally blanked in the conversation, I dressed as I should and was respectful but I didn't feel that came back, if I'm truly honest my own C of E Vicar was of no help to me. Sorry I'm ranting again. Just nice to be able to get it off my chest. Thanks again for your posting, it all helps.[/color]

[color=black] [/color]

[color=black]Take care[/color]

[color=black]Sarah[/color]
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Old 28th December 2005, 05:25 PM   #4
Liz
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Dear Sarah

Might I suggest you look in our [url=http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/interfaith/]interfaith section[/url]. There is an organisation that specialises in supporting people in Muslim Christian marriages linked from there, which might be able to help you and would certainly understand the issues that you are facing.

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Old 30th December 2005, 05:28 PM   #5
Lost-Soul
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Its very difficult because basically if he has returned to Islam the kids have to be brought up as Muslims thats not negotiable. I have been in Saudi Arabia for the past 7 years and the cultural differences between Muslims and Westerners is frightening. I am agnostic so this is not from a religious point of view but an observation. You will never see a Muslim woman marry a Christian man its not allowed. I have seen a few western girls marry in to Muslim families and in most cases it has worked but the girls have to make the sacrificies, most of them have gone in to the relationship with there eyes open and its worked, but we will see, when the second wife usually the phillipino maid hired to look after the kids gets her claws in to the guy, the first wife get thrown on to the scrap heap. Sorry to answer this in such a cynical manner
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Old 29th January 2006, 08:52 PM   #6
Liz
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

IF you want some advice from those who have experience in this area, have a look at some of the organisations [url=http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/interfaith/]here[/url].

Liz
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Old 19th February 2006, 08:56 PM   #7
Rosalind
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Hi,

The Muslim Christian couples group meet in London twice a year, and the next meeting is in March. I can't post the details here, but if you want to know more, you can contact someone either through the [url]www.interfaithmarriage.org.uk[/url] site or [url]www.mcmarriage.org.uk[/url]
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Old 20th February 2006, 05:56 PM   #8
Liz
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Thanks for posting, Rosalind.

Liz
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Old 21st February 2006, 06:10 PM   #9
SarahM
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Alex,

I'm with you all the way, no matter what I do or say it makes no difference, he will always put me on the guilt trip so I back down. My mum has stopped coming for dinner now because he's being so strict. I have to say you should be proud for making 7 years, I honestly don't think we will make 2 - I don't want a divorce I've already been through one but it gets to the point where we need a life too. I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you - its been a bit hectic - sorry again. Always around to kick things about. Thanks everyone for your support, its a comfort to know and I do agree about Mia - its nice to see things from the other point of view.
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Old 26th July 2006, 10:11 AM   #10
martin123
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Good morning Sarah and all others who have contributed and had thier say. I would like to contribute also but perhaps in a way that many of you will not agree with or even consider.This all boils down to the universal, ongoing problem that the world and it`s human occupants are facing and will continue to face until we all GROW UP. If this wonderful planet, that belongs to us all, is to ever be a place of peace and understanding we must stop pointing our fingers, accusing and believing that what we consider to be the only way to live life has to be forced onto others. If an individual chooses to live thier life a certain way then he or she should not consider those who do not choose to live thier lives the same way as being some how lacking, evil or unacceptable. I, along with many others, are fed up to the back teeth of hearing the obsessive rantings of people (from which ever side of the fence they may be) who believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. Fact! Just turn on your televisions to see the death and destruction that is being caused by those who think this way.
I know that this discussion strarted with Sarah`s plea for advice and help but I think that she is in a no win situation. She is desperatly unhappy and her husband believe`s that his way is the only way- end of story! It is all to easy to say " Well I love my husband so I have top listen to him" or "I love my wife so I will put up with what ever she say`s". At the end of the day we are all individuals and we make choices. If you believe that you have made a mistake then be mature enough to admit it and change it. You don`t have to put up with being unhappy. No one should be forced to accept the unquestionable beliefs of others, who have this obssesion that thier beliefs are right so anything to the contrary is wrong and evil.
These are just my views on the subject Sarah, views which you may or may not agree with but if you want my advice, pack you bags and get out, you have a right to be happy.
I will end my little say by quoting something that has helped me in the past, it is taken from a book about reinventing your life and escaping subjigation.
" Pull back from relationships with people who are too self-centred or selfish to take your needs into account. Avoid one sided relationships. Change or get out of a relationship where you feel trapped or subjigated"

If I had written these words I would have added, " You CAN leave the situation and find a better one that suits YOUR needs, without feeling any form of guilt"

My respect to you all.
Martin
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Old 22nd September 2006, 06:24 AM   #11
phoebe
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

O would just like to say that some marriages can work. Not all muslim men are so self centred. I am christian and have been married to a muslim man for 4 years. He has never asked me to convert to muslim or stopped me doing anything i dont want to do. The only sacrifise I have made is to not eat pork. More out of respect for him. I continue to drink alcohol. We have learned how to work around any difficulties. If I want to go out and drink, he doesnt enjoy it so I go out with my friends. If I drink at home it doesnt bother him. I do ramasan with him - with the exeption that I drink water. He will then join me an my family for christmas. With the issue of children - they will be brought up as muslim and this is a decision I completely go along with. Christians in this day and age dont do nothing. They say very proudly they are christian but what do they do? If I have a chrisis I go to pieces get emotional and dont know how to cope. If he has a chrisis he will go and pray for help and guidance. nothing seems to worry him as God is there and what happens will happen. This has surely got to be a better way of life for my child than the one I had. At 16 I was on anti depressants and by 20 nearly successfully committed suicide. His life is at peace and since I have met him, so has mine. Although I will never convert I have all the respect for his religion. Its just a shame some people believe what they see on TV relates to all muslims.
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Old 13th October 2006, 04:31 AM   #12
Rosalind
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Franky4: the rule about Muslim women not marrying non-Muslim men is a religious prohibition and it is stated in the Qur'an. It is connected with the idea that the male is the head of the familt and that a non-Muslim husband could prevent his wife from following Isalm; also that the faith of the children could be compromised if their faither didn't folllow Islam.

In the west we can marry across religious boundaries, and find it strange that some countries do not recognise inter-religious marriages as valid. But some countries would require you to convert to Islam if you wanted to marry a Muslim woman. Even when the wife is a Christian and the husband a muslim there can be a lot of pressure for her to convert - it even appears to happen by default in some places.
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Old 19th November 2006, 11:48 AM   #13
Helen
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Maya,

Have you thought about contacting a refuge and explaining your concerns? I have to admit, I agree with you that your former husband is not the sort of person who is going to be in a position to teach your children tolerance. It is far more likely your son will grow into a carbon copy of his father, will join this Jihad and your daughters will be thoroughly cowed. There does need to be a balance. Your kids do need to know about their Muslim culture but this man is not the person to teach it to them.

There is a site for women fleeing from domestic abuse and for those wanting to protect their children from the harmful influences of their fathers. You can find it here: [url]http://www.womensaid.org.uk/[/url] There is a free phone number to ring to talk to someone about your concerns and, if they agree it is essential, they will help you to relocate and make a new life for you and the kids elsewhere.

Do give them a ring. And let us know how it goes, won't you?


Helen
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Old 8th January 2007, 11:38 PM   #14
Rosalind
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

Some of you posting here may find the London-based Muslim-Christian support group useful; they meet twice a year in West London. The next meeting will be in March/early April and the date will be announced on www.interfaithmarriage.org.uk/forum
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Old 22nd February 2007, 09:18 PM   #15
Rosesrred
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Re: Christian/Muslim marriage problems

I am married to a Muslim man and i am not having any problems....

I know some men are bad towards their women, but this applies to all faiths....

i have been reading up on Islam and it is a very respectful religion towards women. Men are told to respect their wives, the hijab was invented to prevent women from receiving unwanted male attention.

Women do have a defined role in Islam as mothers and wives but they are also free to work as long as they do not neglect their family (fair enough). The husband is meant to support his wife and Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon Him) was well reknowned for respecting his wife and taking her advice.

Sharia law is a cultural invention and not the word of God.

As part of an inter-faith marriage I would advise always discussing with your husband to be exactly what you both want out of life.
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