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Old 7th June 2013, 10:38 PM   #1
puffingirl
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
I want to leave

I am on my second marriage. My first husband was abusive and so forth so it ended. It left me with mental health problems that i am still fighting. I have been with my current husband for almost ten years. When i met him he had a job, was fun to be with, good sex life and we got on well with lots in common. He has not worked for 7 years now due to mental health problems. We are like flatmates there is no sex and we do not get on very well. He drinks heavily denying the extent of his problem. He cant go out apart from the the shop to buy alcohol! Funny that! I am studying and work part time. I am going to have to get a second job as i am unsure i will be able to make the rent in a couple of months. He did not say a word. Friends and family were astounded. I had a back op last year and still have problems. People are concerned i may hurt myself by doing this. I tackled my husband about giving me some of his money toward the bills (he does pay £70 per month i pay almost £600). He said he knows he should and when he gets sorted with the bank he will. He will never get sorted. He stops drinking for a week or so then starts again. He goes over his limit and ends up owing the bank. I even pay his mobile bill. He his me a couple of years back which he got into trouble for. He has not hit me since though. I am sick of being the breadwinner and am not prepared to do this for the rest of my life. He just sits on his backside playing games and watching tv all day. He sometimes does the dishes and tidies up in a very minor way and expects a medal for it. I am so tired we bicker a lot. Due to his drink problem (I think) he accuses me of saying things i have not. At first i do not react but then i have to defend myself. He sometimes calls me names and i will say things back if it goes on too long. I have stopped going to the shop for him and lending him money as over the last few months i do not get it back. I have tried everything even his mother wonders why i stay. He says he is doing much better now but in reality there is no improvement. He has tried to get help in the past but now he says he will but never bothers. I cant stand to be around him most of the time. I have told him how i feel and he says well you must pay this months rent before you go and make sure the bills are up to date. He says he always coped alone in the past and he will again in the next breath he says he is not sure how he will cope!! I feel so resentful. He would go to bed drunk get up and say "cook me some food". I have stopped doing this. There is loads i could say but it would go on forever!!
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Old 10th June 2013, 10:07 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I want to leave

I could add that he is also watching porn (mental adultery) as you stated on another thread Puffinggirl. Having a sexual outlet apart from you is a big weakener of the marriage and can actually affect his motivation in the marriage. If he is meeting his sexual needs through porn then a big dampener is over the intimacy of your marriage. The moment a man turns outside of the marriage to meet sexual needs a schism will start to appear in the marriage.

A big motivator of getting free of alcohol addiction is a functioning marriage. It seems he has just turned aside to passivity and can hardly be bothered to do anything for himself or you.

I don't see any hope in the marriage without a turning and repentance from him. Wishing and hoping are dead without some positive action. He needs to start with the drink and the porn.
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Old 16th June 2013, 08:17 AM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: I want to leave

Things are so serious that I would advise separation for a period. He is failing in almost every area as a husband, and you are giving him no incentive to look after himself as you do it all for him. I would write down what you want him to do(ie get help for his addiction, find work, stop the porn, help round the house etc)and if he refuses then leave. He can then decide if he is going to become a responsible member of society and attempt to win you back or not.
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