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Old 23rd December 2011, 08:40 PM   #76
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

i do feel a bit better, but I know that can all change in a moment. Well will just keep plodding on, I think that book is good though. Are you ok? X
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Old 23rd December 2011, 08:53 PM   #77
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

You can only manage your emotions - he has to manage his. Stick to the plan and see if it works.

I'm OK thanks. Not looking forward to tomorrow, as it's our anniversary, and Christmas Day will be hellish I'm sure. I was expecting to be working on Christmas Day, but have been told I'm not needed - so it'll be very lonely.

If I had the money I'd go away to see my family - but petrol would be way too expensive unfortunately.

Just got to dust myself down and get on with things. Can't change what's happened - only what I do with myself now.

I wish she could see a way for us to make it work, but I think the hurt I've caused her runs too deep. I'm planning a talk in the new year to see what her intentions are. I'll just have to prepare myself for divorce and being as good a dad as I can to my daughter. She's my world.

SM
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Old 23rd December 2011, 08:58 PM   #78
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Sweetheart,
Even if he were just relieved that you are not crying and begging anymore, THAT IS A GREAT START isnt it?

You have to get the drama and clingyness out of the way so he can think straight.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:13 PM   #79
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit0000 View Post
OMGoodness, he is talking non stop to me tonight, can't shut him up lol. Now then, advice needed please, he just told me he got paid today so he might as well give me his half of the bill money today for next month. Thought he was leaving? Don't know if hes just pushing his luck or he wants to stay. I didn't know what to say, so didnt say anything. What do you think? Thanks x
That is great! He is feeling comfortable enough already to want to stay another month...if he did'nt, he would have held onto his money to build up an escape fund. You are doing great...keep reading and learning the principles in the book.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:18 PM   #80
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Lisa,

You can only manage your emotions - he has to manage his. Stick to the plan and see if it works.

I'm OK thanks. Not looking forward to tomorrow, as it's our anniversary, and Christmas Day will be hellish I'm sure. I was expecting to be working on Christmas Day, but have been told I'm not needed - so it'll be very lonely.

If I had the money I'd go away to see my family - but petrol would be way too expensive unfortunately.

Just got to dust myself down and get on with things. Can't change what's happened - only what I do with myself now.

I wish she could see a way for us to make it work, but I think the hurt I've caused her runs too deep. I'm planning a talk in the new year to see what her intentions are. I'll just have to prepare myself for divorce and being as good a dad as I can to my daughter. She's my world.

SM
Dear SM, your words have been a great source of help and comfort to me, I so wish I could do the same for you. I know your Wife has been very hurt by your actions (I am now on page 9 of your post), but I really think you have proved you can now be trusted and what a devoted Husband and Father you are. I am sorry, I really hope she comes around. Do you have any friends your could go round and visit?
Take care, Lisa x
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:20 PM   #81
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Sweetheart,
Even if he were just relieved that you are not crying and begging anymore, THAT IS A GREAT START isnt it?

You have to get the drama and clingyness out of the way so he can think straight.
Forever, it feels like a good start, I just don't want to get my hopes up. Going to keep reading. I love your posts, you have a very calming influence on me
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:23 PM   #82
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM,

For what it is worth...do not think that Christmas is going to be "perfect" for your wife and daughter. They will be very aware that an important element of that special day is missing...you. I am sure your daughter will pipe up about it too. It is too unnatural for anyone to ignore. I am hoping that perhaps you will find something to focus on and occupy your time...millions are in the same boat as you are, but then comes the day after and you will have gotten through it.

Chin up!
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:26 PM   #83
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

Thanks for your kind words. I don't have any friends close by - they're all far away. It's how it has to be right now - my daughter's happiness is of utmost importance right now, that's why I made the decision to not see her on Christmas Day. My w's family think badly of me, and I just don't want her to see her father being glared at.

They're finding it easy to take the moral high ground. It's easier for them to feel that way and believe it's the right thing to do.

SM
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:26 PM   #84
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
That is great! He is feeling comfortable enough already to want to stay another month...if he did'nt, he would have held onto his money to build up an escape fund. You are doing great...keep reading and learning the principles in the book.
I'm just not sure if its the easier option for a roof over his head for another month, but if it is, I think I will make that my/his deadline, you can't live in limbo forever can you?

So glad you recommended the book, thank you.

I didnt mention the presents he has bought me for xmas to him, even though I have been thinking about them and asking for advice on here about them, but he just said why don't you open one of your presents. I said it didnt feel right and he could take them back for a refund, but he won't hear of it, just said he bought them for me as he knew I would like them and he wants me to have them.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:30 PM   #85
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM,
Build a Christmas and holiday fund for next year. Inform your wife that you will be expecting to have the next holidays with your daughter and your family. Let her know far in advance that this is the way sharing custody is when a divorce happens.

Building a fund will give you something to look forward to and the cash you will need to pull it off.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 09:34 PM   #86
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever,

We seem to have hijacked Lisa's thread!

I am sure they will notice I'm not there - and I think my w will be very aware of our daughter's loss at this time.

She has been very single-minded in her decision. There's no going back in her head. I don't know why I feel this way - but I think divorce might cement in her mind that she has made a bad decision. She always puts our daughter first, and thinks that her being happy will be better for the little one - and she thinks her happiness will be best served by ending our marriage.

If she has decided that is the way to go (and I have no doubt she has), she has to face the consequence of that after I tried my best to put things right.

Back to Love Must Be Tough - she needs to see what her decision actually means in practice. She will also have to face Christmas without our daughter one day. I don't want it to be tit for tat as that helps no one - but that's the fact of the matter.

SM
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:12 PM   #87
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Sweetheart,

Be very careful. You can squelch his warmer feelings for you that are starting to take root by turning down his goodwill...graciously accept the gifts. I also would caution you against telling him that he has to move out at any given date...the whole purpose is not to get rid of him so much as to get him to reconsider his wanting to leave is it not?
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:27 PM   #88
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM,
Long ago, I remember telling you that I thought you would actually end up going through a divorce in order for your wife to see what she has done (unforgiveness) and then possibly change her mind. I also remember telling you that she would be watching from a distance to see what you would be doing with your freedom after that point.

The trouble is, how long are you willing to wait for her?
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:35 PM   #89
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Sweetheart,

Something you said yesterday...that yelling is not his "style". Well, if it is yours, that is a deal breaker for him. Most men cant stand a woman who screams, pouts, cries and carries on in an emotional storm (it seems too infantile to them). You may (if you are interested in keeping him) need to change your style to suit having harmony in marriage.

He will reconsider leaving the relationship if he feels it is emotionally safe to stay...but time will be the acid test of proof for him. Men like logic and sound reasoning...sweetness and dignity in a woman.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:37 PM   #90
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever,

Right now it's not about waiting - it's about being the best dad I can be.

No one else could get in the way of me being there for my daughter, and let's face it, who would put up with a man who puts his family first - married or not.

I have to be there for my daughter - that'll never change. It will mean a single life, but that's just the way it will have to be.

SM
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