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Old 3rd January 2012, 03:32 PM   #1
geofflangley
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my wife and her mother and their relationship

Heia



Hope you can help because I am at my absolute teather and can't face a life with my wife to be and mother in law.






My fiance is very close to her mother, like most girls. Unfortunately, not only is she close to her, her mother is her best friend. So not only do I contend with a mother in law, I contend with a mother in law who is a best friend.



She used to ring at all hours until I persuaded my wife to put a 9pm limit there so we can have our own time, but that is raw with them, and they my wife or MIL don’t like it and occassionally still rings her mobile at 10pm saying sorry it’s only a quick question



Generally her mother treats her like a 12 year old. Pulls her away from me to hug her, if we are sitting down she will pull my fiance to her and craddle her and kiss her head (We are both 26!!)



My fiance sees nothing wrong though and I am the bad guy for having a vendetta against her mother. I just want her to cut the cord a little and for her mother to let us live. my fiance speaks to her everyday and tells her everything that we do.



Her mother is very demanding of her attention and time, and tells her to cheer up if she goes to visit and isn't all happy and smiley. She has had a go at me for not being happy and I told her I am what I am, I won't change.



I am just petrified. I don't want to give in and let them rule the roost, but if I carry on I can't see us being able to carry on.



Her mother will organise new years eve in October to make sure we all attend, and I then get a row for suggesting we do something with our friends and not her family. her mother has already asked if she can be there when my wife gives birth(years off wanting a baby) and when I suggested that it should be our moment I had a row.



Please help me find a way to get my fiance to see what I am saying and to start our own lives and cut the cord. I say lets set boundaries but she doesn't want to and all I hear from them both is how good their bond is. My fiancee always feels sorry for her parents, and her parents put a lot on her. I'm petrified I will lose touch with my family and get dragged into hers especially when we do have kids. Please PLease please help,

In the past she has taken a call from her mother in tesco for instance, and left me just standing there for 10mins, even after getting back from hols as I'm getting the bags she rings her mam, but she cannot see why this drives me mad. Today we arrived back from honeymoon, and when landing we texted both parents as we waited to get off the plane so say we had landed safely. It was 5.30am, and her mother rings her and my wife takes the call. I try and explain why this drives me insane but it's always barked back that I'm trying to ruin their relationship. Please please help, any ideas how I can get through this with my wife and MIL? Neither think they are doing anything wrong, it's just a healthy mother daughter relationship.

Everything is so dramatic and if it happens to them it’s x 10 worse than anyone else,
Please any suggestions would be great
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Old 3rd January 2012, 04:07 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

You said you've just got back from your honeymoon so is she your fiancée now or your wife ? I ask because it does make a difference as to what you can do .

I have to say I wouldn't consider this a healthy mother - daughter relationship at all. Is your fiancée an only child ?

I think you will have to make a stand or I can foresee years of you and your needs being stomped all over . Why does your wife need to have so much contact with her mum do you think ? Is her mum widowed ? If not what does her dad think of this close friendship they have ?

Last edited by Helen_uk; 3rd January 2012 at 06:20 PM.
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Old 3rd January 2012, 04:36 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

I think they just got married Helen...

Greetings Geo,

One has to wonder why she bothered to get married at all since she is already "spoken for" by her mother. This will not likely change and any attempt to get it to do so will alienate you and cause major rifts in the whole family. They are fused and emeshed for life.

What will happen is that she will get pregnant and you will end up paying child support and rarely seeing you own child/children after she runs back home to mama. One also has to wonder how her father puts up with this? Every most intimate detail of you life will be an open book for her parents (and whoever they wish to tell) to see.

It is going to be a major power play (them against you) which is already under way...you lose.

Why did you marry her when these things were not remedied first? Do you enjoy a challenge with astronomical odds stacked against you? In the end, you may find that you are just the designated financial provider and sperm doner if you cannot turn this around.
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Old 3rd January 2012, 05:25 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

I was going to say DONT MARRY HER until I read the end part. I am sorry that you are married because you will have this for a very long time. The mother has not let the daughter go and the daughter has not cut the apron strings. A very common problem today sadly and it does destroy marriages.I know several families like this.

I have three adult children of a similar age to you, and I am close to them, but do not do what your mil does and they do not do what your wife does. We maybe speak on the phone once a week(less with my son) and occasionally email, rarely text.
Arranging new year in October is quite honestly bizarre, and the other things you mention are manipulative and controlling and interfering.
Your only hope is that your wife can see how unhealthy this is, maybe through some good marriage counselling.
Good books for you both to read are 'Boundaries' by John Towensend, 'In Sheeps clothing' by George k Siman and 'Toxic in laws -loving strategies for protecting your marriage' by Susan Forward.
I cant offer any more hope to be honest, you should never have married her. She hasnt grown up and her mother is dysfunctional and possessive. My mil was similar, but fortunatly for us she lived the other side of the world, so was not able to interfere.

One radical solution would be to move a long way away, but I doubt that your wife would leave her mummy. Her mother will never let her go without a fight, she wants her for herself.
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Old 3rd January 2012, 07:11 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

This is quite serious Geoff. It appears that your wife is under her mother's control. This will be quite powerful and will involve guilt etc. We have seen this quite a few times on here. What it means is that her mother has not cut the apron strings and released her to be an adult. Most mothers allow their children to grow up and recognise that they need to release so that their daughter/son can be an adult. Some mothers hang on to their children and will not let them go to be adults. It is a selfish thing at root.


This will go on for years and years unless it is broken. You are okay as you are not controlled. It will be working through your wife. She is the one who needs to break it with your help. She needs to see what is going on as it is very subtle. This doesn't mean she will hate her mother it just means she resists the control. She is now your wife and you are a new unit and need to make your own decisions without necessarily being tied to the mothers input. Ultimately she cleaves to you not her mother. Any control needs to be resisted but I warn you it will not be easy. All hell will break loose. Are you ready for that. The attack of guilt will be powerful against your wife so she will need to see through it and see what is really happening.

There are many books about control and manipulation but I find it is the christian ones that get through to the real root of the problem.

As an instance of resisting control; say your wife decides that the kitchen needs to be green but the mother says it should be blue. Does your wife give in or will she be free to make her own decisions? It is little things like that which highlight what is going on. You will be able to spot it if you keep your eyes and ears open. The battle is for your wife's release really.
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Old 4th January 2012, 10:45 AM   #6
LT83
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

Boy, you just described my ex wife. Had a big argument with the MIL and she told her to divorce me after about 5 months of marriage. So she did...

Biggest mistake I ever made.
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Old 4th January 2012, 02:01 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: my wife and her mother and their relationship

So your wife remains under her control. Quite tragic. This control thing is quite powerful and will have its roots in her childhood. It is a form of manipulation hidden under the guise of affection and loyalty which produces guilt. Very very subtle and it likely operates in the mother without her seeing it. Resistance of the control is the only answer for these daughters but they cannot do that until they see it. Some live under this cloud all their lives.
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