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Old 14th September 2015, 04:11 AM   #691
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Hi Chosen & LDT, I don't know where he is so writing a letter wouldn't achieve anything as I've nowhere to post it. Text is out of the question & I'm pretty sure he'd only delete an email. Plus he hasn't redirected or collected any of his mail from me either.
There's no third party I could contact to prod because his closest friend has told me it's not his place to get involved. I sent an email to his parents a few days earlier just to ask you if he was ok but they obviously didn't want to give any information as I've had no reply in a week.
He definitely saw me as I had to walk right in front of him to get through the door. Then when I went into the newsagents he was at the supermarket buying cigarettes and it was obvious he was trying to keep an eye out for me so he could avoid me.
I keep hoping that now he's seen me it just gets him thinking about what he did, how he did it & why he did it.
Unfortunately I am one of these people who prays, wishes & hopes for a miracle when it comes to matters of the heart as I believe love is a powerful thing.
Anyway, LDT how are you going? Have you been able to move forward? Ralf, how about you? You have all shown me support & it would be selfish if I didn't provide the same.
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Old 14th September 2015, 10:20 AM   #692
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
Hi Chosen & LDT, I don't know where he is so writing a letter wouldn't achieve anything as I've nowhere to post it. Text is out of the question & I'm pretty sure he'd only delete an email. Plus he hasn't redirected or collected any of his mail from me either.
There's no third party I could contact to prod because his closest friend has told me it's not his place to get involved. I sent an email to his parents a few days earlier just to ask you if he was ok but they obviously didn't want to give any information as I've had no reply in a week.
He definitely saw me as I had to walk right in front of him to get through the door. Then when I went into the newsagents he was at the supermarket buying cigarettes and it was obvious he was trying to keep an eye out for me so he could avoid me.
I keep hoping that now he's seen me it just gets him thinking about what he did, how he did it & why he did it.
Unfortunately I am one of these people who prays, wishes & hopes for a miracle when it comes to matters of the heart as I believe love is a powerful thing.
Anyway, LDT how are you going? Have you been able to move forward? Ralf, how about you? You have all shown me support & it would be selfish if I didn't provide the same.
Hi Melly its very kind of you to ask thank you, I cant give you a definitive answer as I seem to ebb and flow mood wise, I suffer with anxiety and depression but I am definitely calmer than I was previously but that had to happen but I still wobble at times, I am now in my 8th week of total NC and have struggled with it at times but have stuck to it, one thing I do think is that you, LDT, and my situations are very similar, lets all watch each others backs the best we can.
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Old 15th September 2015, 06:05 PM   #693
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
Hi Chosen & LDT, I don't know where he is so writing a letter wouldn't achieve anything as I've nowhere to post it. Text is out of the question & I'm pretty sure he'd only delete an email. Plus he hasn't redirected or collected any of his mail from me either.
There's no third party I could contact to prod because his closest friend has told me it's not his place to get involved. I sent an email to his parents a few days earlier just to ask you if he was ok but they obviously didn't want to give any information as I've had no reply in a week.
He definitely saw me as I had to walk right in front of him to get through the door. Then when I went into the newsagents he was at the supermarket buying cigarettes and it was obvious he was trying to keep an eye out for me so he could avoid me.
I keep hoping that now he's seen me it just gets him thinking about what he did, how he did it & why he did it.
Unfortunately I am one of these people who prays, wishes & hopes for a miracle when it comes to matters of the heart as I believe love is a powerful thing.
Anyway, LDT how are you going? Have you been able to move forward? Ralf, how about you? You have all shown me support & it would be selfish if I didn't provide the same.
Wow. Is there a way you can attempt to talk to his friend again and say that as his wife you need some answers? If you could ask him to try to put himself in your shoes?

I would still write an email to your husband and pour your heart out. He very well might read it. It's worth a try.

In my situation my husband has been breathing down my neck about getting a divorce. I'm trying to talk to a lawyer about a waiting period, and I got one terse answer that answered no questions. I wrote another email today. If I get no response I'll find another lawyer. I want to see if I can enforce a waiting period. Honestly I don't feel strong enough to go through with this at this time. If I can delay it for awhile, I will.

I'm living my life, I guess. Still in pain but life goes on even when you're standing still.
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Old 15th September 2015, 09:33 PM   #694
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Wow. Is there a way you can attempt to talk to his friend again and say that as his wife you need some answers? If you could ask him to try to put himself in your shoes?

I would still write an email to your husband and pour your heart out. He very well might read it. It's worth a try.

In my situation my husband has been breathing down my neck about getting a divorce. I'm trying to talk to a lawyer about a waiting period, and I got one terse answer that answered no questions. I wrote another email today. If I get no response I'll find another lawyer. I want to see if I can enforce a waiting period. Honestly I don't feel strong enough to go through with this at this time. If I can delay it for awhile, I will.

I'm living my life, I guess. Still in pain but life goes on even when you're standing still.
can you just have a waiting period anyway? Maybe tell your husband that you want 6 months or a year before you proceed any further? I didnt begin divorce proceedings for 2 1/2 years after my marriage ended. I just couldnt cope with it before then.

BTW how is buddy?
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Old 15th September 2015, 10:20 PM   #695
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
can you just have a waiting period anyway? Maybe tell your husband that you want 6 months or a year before you proceed any further? I didnt begin divorce proceedings for 2 1/2 years after my marriage ended. I just couldnt cope with it before then.

BTW how is buddy?
Hi Chosen,

Buddy is still having some pain after walking even though he is on pain pills. I am started to wonder if perhaps he has arthritis. If I still don't like the look of things soon I will ask the vet if it's a possibility.

Yes, it's about coping. I feel like I can't cope at this time. The lawyer got back to me. When my WH filed he cited irreconcilable differences. Under Illinois law, unless I sign a waiver there is a two year waiting period, after which I cannot stop a divorce if he proceeds. The waiver was not signed by me. But my lawyer told me if he changes his plea to the judge the judge can order the divorce to go through anyway. He'd have to go through the court to change his plea, but it would cost money.

I'm going to ask WH if he'll honor the two year period and not change his plea. We could stay out of the courts and use a mediator when the time comes. If he gives me more time, he can save money. If he doesn't want to wait, this could get costly for both if us.

You'd think the courts would honor a waiting period and not have a loophole so he can get divorced more quickly. Ridiculous. All of this is causing me a great deal of stress.
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Old 16th September 2015, 12:06 AM   #696
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I would tell him that you wont sign the waver, and then its his decision if he changes anything.

Its odd that arthritis would start that suddenly though, and he isnt that old. Maybe you will need to take him back to the vets.
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Old 17th September 2015, 08:50 AM   #697
melly997
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Smile Re: Oh no...oh no...

It's two months to the day since I got that cowardly text.
You will all be happy to know that I sent him an email. Not so much as saying how I felt but I apologised for my part in the breakdown & told him I now have to stop grieving & move on so I could grow from this experience.
I didn't close the door on him but neither did I make it seem I was desperate or needy to get him back.
I never mentioned forgiveness as I'm not ready to do that but I did say that next time we run into each other I hope I can offer him a smile.
It's going to be hard & I may stumble but if I want to be truly happy again I can't stay where I am.
There were two paths I could have chosen from, one was to keep waiting & the other to see where my life would lead. I chose the second so wish me luck people because I'm going to need it
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:10 AM   #698
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
It's two months to the day since I got that cowardly text.
You will all be happy to know that I sent him an email. Not so much as saying how I felt but I apologised for my part in the breakdown & told him I now have to stop grieving & move on so I could grow from this experience.
I didn't close the door on him but neither did I make it seem I was desperate or needy to get him back.
I never mentioned forgiveness as I'm not ready to do that but I did say that next time we run into each other I hope I can offer him a smile.
It's going to be hard & I may stumble but if I want to be truly happy again I can't stay where I am.
There were two paths I could have chosen from, one was to keep waiting & the other to see where my life would lead. I chose the second so wish me luck people because I'm going to need it
Good luck Melly after 2 months I think your being very brave, personally after 2 months I didn't hardly know what day it was never mind choose a direction, so for you to be so decisive shows a lot of inner strength.
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:26 AM   #699
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Ralf, it's not about being brave, it's about being happy. I have had other relationships (not marriages, this was my first) that ended & even after grieving for months & months the outcome has been the same - I'm still miserable & they've moved on. This time round I am going to do it differently & try to pick myself up sooner. It doesn't mean I'm going to be infallible or successful but it does give me something to focus on & keep me occupied so I'm not sitting at home in tears. I've joined a couple of social groups as well so I expect to be joining in some new activities & meeting new friends within a month or two (baby steps).
Moving on with life doesn't mean I have lost hope it just means I'm not going to let it dictate my happiness any longer.
Come on Ralf - follow my lead & start to live again
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:32 AM   #700
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

melly I hope that it all goes well for you. keep us informed.
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:57 AM   #701
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
Ralf, it's not about being brave, it's about being happy. I have had other relationships (not marriages, this was my first) that ended & even after grieving for months & months the outcome has been the same - I'm still miserable & they've moved on. This time round I am going to do it differently & try to pick myself up sooner. It doesn't mean I'm going to be infallible or successful but it does give me something to focus on & keep me occupied so I'm not sitting at home in tears. I've joined a couple of social groups as well so I expect to be joining in some new activities & meeting new friends within a month or two (baby steps).
Moving on with life doesn't mean I have lost hope it just means I'm not going to let it dictate my happiness any longer.
Come on Ralf - follow my lead & start to live again
Well done melly. Getting to this point so soon it truly exceptional, but necessary. I believe the solution we are all looking for is in this single paragraph. I could have written it myself.
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Old 17th September 2015, 01:47 PM   #702
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
Ralf, it's not about being brave, it's about being happy. I have had other relationships (not marriages, this was my first) that ended & even after grieving for months & months the outcome has been the same - I'm still miserable & they've moved on. This time round I am going to do it differently & try to pick myself up sooner. It doesn't mean I'm going to be infallible or successful but it does give me something to focus on & keep me occupied so I'm not sitting at home in tears. I've joined a couple of social groups as well so I expect to be joining in some new activities & meeting new friends within a month or two (baby steps).
Moving on with life doesn't mean I have lost hope it just means I'm not going to let it dictate my happiness any longer.
Come on Ralf - follow my lead & start to live again
Depends what your definition of living means, I must be living to be able to reply to this, personally I think the grieving period is commensurate with the length of the relationship, you were married 5 years but I don't know how long you were together, I was married 17 years and we were together 19 years when it happened, and I was very very happy and in love with my wife, I'm not saying the love you had for your husband is any less I couldn't say that, but no 2 situations are the same of course, I also think how a relationship ends has an impact on the grieving process, ours were similar whereby NDY was cheated on, if that had happened to me then I would of been mortified but I would of grieved very differently than how I am at the moment, for a start I would of been very angry and vengeful, instead I just have this deep inner feeling of total loss and sadness, lets put it this way, if I was feeling even remotely happy right now after a 19 year relationship suddenly ending then I would be thinking that maybe our marriage wasn't what I thought it was, but it was a good marriage, a loving marriage, everybody could see it between us and so many people said it about us, I continue to grieve not through choice but through genuine sadness, shock, and sense of loss, obviously I wish you well I just hope for your own sake that your not surpressing your grief and forcing yourself to be happy and up-beat because surpression of ones emotions can be a dangerous thing, believe me I know my wife is living testimony to it.
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Old 17th September 2015, 04:51 PM   #703
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Good luck, Melly. You sound so strong.
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:08 PM   #704
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Ralf I dont agree that its always the length of marriage. People can be married many years but not be that close or that much in love. My husbands first marriage was 23 years long before she met another rman, and while he was deeply hurt, their marriage has never been that good and to be honest she was so manipulative and controlling that in some ways it was a relief for his mental health to be away from her. When I met him he was a mentally exhausted shell.
However if my present marriage had ended after even only a year, I would have been totally and completely devastated because we are so close and are soul mates.
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Old 18th September 2015, 09:38 AM   #705
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Ralf I dont agree that its always the length of marriage. People can be married many years but not be that close or that much in love. My husbands first marriage was 23 years long before she met another rman, and while he was deeply hurt, their marriage has never been that good and to be honest she was so manipulative and controlling that in some ways it was a relief for his mental health to be away from her. When I met him he was a mentally exhausted shell.
However if my present marriage had ended after even only a year, I would have been totally and completely devastated because we are so close and are soul mates.
Ok well I can only speak for myself, but I was half of a 19 year relationship that I thought was always happy, always, close, always honest, always caring, always loving and so on, and as far as I know we were also soul mates and were very much in sync with each other on almost very level, part of my pain in this is now not knowing if it was all real or not, or was part of it now a farce whereby what I thought might not be true, don't forget she said she first started re-focusing her view on life in early 2012 when her dad died, I knew nothing of this and was concerned that she was bottling her feelings, I think I have written about this in my own thread, however during this time she gave nothing away, she told me frequently how much she loved me and what a fabulous caring husband I was, life carried on in similar fashion until the next thing I knew was her coming home that evening and dropping the bomb, figure this one out the night before she left we watched Germany batter Brazil in the WC-SF then went to bed and did what married couples do then cuddled all night I remember like it was last night, maybe I had an off night and that is why she left me .
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