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Old 17th May 2009, 03:45 PM   #1
Tyring hard
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Join Date: May 2009
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Unhappy What can I do?

i am seeking advise on whether ther is anything I can realistically can do follwoing my wifes announcement in March that she did not want to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary or any future anniversaries ass she considered herself no longer to be married. This was a complete shock to me and I am considerable trouble getting my head around the situation.

We have three sons 14, 20 and 22 and she insisted that we not involve them even though the older two have become aware of the situation. I was also asked to stay around until the younger one is old enough to be independant at college but without telling him!!

She has not been able to give me any reasons except that she has not been happy for 'a while' (undefined) and could not not give me one reason.

There have for sure been times where we have not got on but at no stage has she ever indicated that she was unhappy in fact I cannot remember a real disagreement about any major issue in all our time together.

My concerns now are that she will seek to divide up our assets including my company pension and as we have little savings I fear I will end up with virtually nothing to start again.

I'm sure someone has faced the same issues and I would really like some advice on what I can do to save my family from the worst situation I can imagine. I'ms truggling with the feeling of rejection and lack of explanation and even though she wants more me time so far this has only resulted in her sitting and watching even more TV.
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Old 17th May 2009, 04:26 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

You need to find out why TH. You are at least entitled to answers as to why. Maybe some things can change. Maybe she's just plain overtired and needs to pace down a bit. I'd try and find out the reasons for this. Time alone may just mean a rest. You need to work on it in the time you have left. Who knows what is in her mind and why she decided what she did. You are the only one in the position to find out and do something about it.

Raymond
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Old 20th May 2009, 08:57 AM   #3
Tyring hard
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Re: What can I do?

Thanks Raymond for a voice of sense in a very lonely world at the moment. I was advised by a friend to try to talk it through with my wife as women 'like to talk about problems' but any attempt seems to be rebuffed at the moment. I fear she may be worried that we will rationalise our issues and that is perhaps not what she wants right now as she sees only one solution.

I was recommended to read Men are form Mars, Women are from Venus to try to get into her 'mind' and see things from her point of view. This may either shed more light or even give an opportunity to resolve things by subtle changes in my behaviour. What do you think - worth a shot?

Our older sons are both aware and have either taken a puzzled objective view or completely sided with myself but the big issue for me is that our youngest knows 'nothing' and my wife is insistant on him not being told.

For me I have suddenly become willing to discuss things but maybe she knew that all along and is why the silent treatment, although if anyone were to visit us you would not know the difference.

Any advise is welcome right now.
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Old 20th May 2009, 12:57 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

I don't know about Women are from Venus and men from Mars. I've known about the book but never bothered to read it. I t may be interesting but I don't know if it will change anything.

An interesting comment you made is that you are suddenly willing to discuss things. This may show that you were not before which may be part of the problem. If things go on too long people cannot believe there will ever be a change and give up. From my observation wives are usually very keen to discuss things and count it high on their priorities. A man that hasn't learned to listen and understand is missing out on an essential part of the marriage in my view.

If it is that it seems to have gone beyond the pale now but it may be a good idea to listen to the things she may try to share from now on.

I'm being cut short just now but will have a think and come back.

Raymond
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Old 20th May 2009, 08:24 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

The only other thing that occurs to me TH is that she is unhappy and has worked out because she is married to you. It may not be the truth but I would use the time to make things nice for her and even giving her the time she wants. Things can change. I wouldn't advise grovelling though. Don't touch that. Just love and try to understand her.

You have got nothing to lose and at the very least she will have better memories of you. There are no guarantees but you have to try. She is not perfect obviously, but try not to feel bitterness towards her. She is going through something whatever it is.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 23rd May 2009 at 07:33 AM.
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Old 23rd May 2009, 02:58 AM   #6
Hilary
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Re: What can I do?

Hi Trying Hard
This is a very difficult time for you and obviously very confusing.

I think it is highly unlikely that your youngest doesn't know. At the very least he will have picked up the vibes and probably his brothers will have told him. So he may be pretending that he doesn't know because neither of you have told him.

Your wife doesn't have the right to forbid you to tell him and why would you accept such a prohibition anyway? As a Dad you have the right and the responsibility to sit down with him and tell him that things are not well between you, that you don't understand why, but that you are attempting to work things out.

It seems your family have a history of not confiding - your wife didn't tell you she was unhappy for years (or you didn't know how to interpret her attempts) and now she is wanting to continue the lack with the next generation - it is time to break that pattern and to share needs and concerns.

Your children may well be able to tell you what the problem is - especially the one who has the puzzled objective view. Go into your explorations of your relationships and thinking about the future with curiosity - put into words what you want and need and what she and the boys want and need and play with ideas - think outside of the box and don't move too quickly, sometimes it is better to reflectively explore in your mind for a while. I have just spent four months thinking about the direction I want for my life over the next 10 to 20 years. I kept thinking a I wanted one thing, then when I thought of the long term concequences changed my mind. It is cheaper to try things out in your mind that in real life.
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Old 23rd May 2009, 07:37 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

Good advice Hilary. I trust you will find the direction for your life that you need to take.

Raymond
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Old 24th May 2009, 03:34 PM   #8
Johnee S
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Re: What can I do?

I found wha has worked for me is looking at myself and my life with a magnifying glass then a microscope. The things I did not like about myself i basically wrote them out and burned them away to make room for the good things in me to grow and the good things that faded from me to return. I decided to make change within myself which for some bizzare reason has attracted my Wife who recently left and wanted to for years to take a second look at me and think about things. I'm not saying she wants to come back to be with me as my Wife, I'm just saying she wants to come home again.

I was spinning my tires begging her, pleading my love to her, and told her i was changing. All that simply pushed her further and further away. She has been having an online emotional/mental affair for 7 months, the last one was 3 years ago which lasted about 1.5 years. She wanted to leave me for the last 4 or so years but didn't want to hurt me and stuck around.

She admitted to having deep feelings for this guy whom she tried meeting on a trip west, but his criminal record denied him entry which is the only thing that saved me from having her bags waiting outside upon her return. I forgave her again and tried to make it work, she continued doing this relationship with him and pushed me further away to the point I told her to leave and get herself figured out. We have 3 kids to boot.

I was furious, in pain, sad, broken hearted and quickly let it all go just the same. I began to what you might say speed heal myself by letting my ego and fear of lose go. It helped, then I started working on me. I think for you following a similar way may help you for you. You need to think about you right now and let go of the past despite how much it will hurt. Trust me brother its all new to me too. I confronted her and told him the real deal 7-8 weeks ago. He had no idea she was married with 3 kids, yet he still pursued her.

if you can get your wife to open up a little bit, don't force it or plea it will only close her more. Let her know you understand she needs to be where she is and you accept that. (This shows her you are supporting, do let her know you are hurting but you only want whats best for her too). let her know when she is ready to talk you are ready to listen. keep your yapper shut, let her talk and vent. She may say things that will sting you, let it in and let it go but pay attention to what she is saying and not saying.

All the things you've procrastinated over the years, get on them use them to distract yourself enough to not fall into the dwell trap. make notes, of your feelings, process it and then let it go. As Hilary and Raymond suggested use your personal tools of intellect and feelings to understand what's really going on. Use a sutle approach softness truimphs over hardness when you have become more aware and have a better idea where to start small in getting communication lines with your wife and kids to open up.

Above all don't ever accuse, don't ever insult, don't ever speak out of anger otherwise you may fall flat and have a much more diffcult time in getting communication going. if you feel the blood starting to boil say I have to stop for now, can we continue when I'm calm down? Do the same if your Wife is getting angry. let her know its ok to be mad and the both of you can talk when she is calm and ready to talk again.

She will appreciate that more then she'll admit to.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 28th May 2009, 06:55 PM   #9
Tyring hard
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Re: What can I do?

Thanks Hilary - I am pretty confident that the young one doesn't know as he is rarely here and off with his friends most of the time when not at school, his brothers discuss nothing with him so I feel sorry for his isolatation some times and now my wife is ignoring his basic needs. I try to spend as much time with him at weekends trying to get him involved with golf but I do not want to swamp him.

Your correct she has not right to ban me from talking to him but until I am clear what to say to give him hope I do not want to

I still cannot get my head around someone who has always put the children first but now seems to go out of her way to be rude - no please or thank you's for anything to anyone at the moment. It is like a cork has been taken out of a bottle and all the bad feelings are pouring out! I understand this could be years of frustration but to never show anything must mean her feelings have been very deeply repressed.

She has agreed to go with me to counselling but I fear her agenda is only to satisfy herself that she has made the correct decision and needs advice on how to move on and not discuss why we have arrived where we are.

Well we are where we are and I only hope I can accept things by catching up with reality. I have only one agenda without her and that is to ensure my sons don't make the same mistakes and learn from this as well as ensuring their financial futures. Not that I can help very much there as half the house, savings and pension will leave me on the poverty line and little chance of buying a house.

Thanks for your views which is why I joined this forum as I know others have gone through similar things but for me I honestly have never known anyone as all my family were stable relationships - apart from the fact they have all now passed on so I have no close relations to talk to apart from my wife who won't.
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Old 28th May 2009, 07:08 PM   #10
Tyring hard
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Re: What can I do?

Johnee - wise words my friend and very much along with my own for the moment. The big problem has been finding the time to talk without interuption in a busy house.

Getting out is difficult as she seems reluctant, I've just suggested going for a walk but she has decided to cook a very involved meal which I feel is an avoidance tactic.

For me I have tried to write down what I don't like about myself but realised pretty quickly that it was what I believe others don't like rather than my own thoughts. So I started on the good things which was easier. That list is short mainly because of my current thoughts but hopefully I can grow the number.

I understand your position and in some ways things are clearer when there is another party involved as it is a point of clarity but I don't have that as yet and so my own thoughts are distorted by my feelings.

Thanks for your time and words and I hope I will be able to contribute more positively soon.
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