Re: What can I do?
I found wha has worked for me is looking at myself and my life with a magnifying glass then a microscope. The things I did not like about myself i basically wrote them out and burned them away to make room for the good things in me to grow and the good things that faded from me to return. I decided to make change within myself which for some bizzare reason has attracted my Wife who recently left and wanted to for years to take a second look at me and think about things. I'm not saying she wants to come back to be with me as my Wife, I'm just saying she wants to come home again.
I was spinning my tires begging her, pleading my love to her, and told her i was changing. All that simply pushed her further and further away. She has been having an online emotional/mental affair for 7 months, the last one was 3 years ago which lasted about 1.5 years. She wanted to leave me for the last 4 or so years but didn't want to hurt me and stuck around.
She admitted to having deep feelings for this guy whom she tried meeting on a trip west, but his criminal record denied him entry which is the only thing that saved me from having her bags waiting outside upon her return. I forgave her again and tried to make it work, she continued doing this relationship with him and pushed me further away to the point I told her to leave and get herself figured out. We have 3 kids to boot.
I was furious, in pain, sad, broken hearted and quickly let it all go just the same. I began to what you might say speed heal myself by letting my ego and fear of lose go. It helped, then I started working on me. I think for you following a similar way may help you for you. You need to think about you right now and let go of the past despite how much it will hurt. Trust me brother its all new to me too. I confronted her and told him the real deal 7-8 weeks ago. He had no idea she was married with 3 kids, yet he still pursued her.
if you can get your wife to open up a little bit, don't force it or plea it will only close her more. Let her know you understand she needs to be where she is and you accept that. (This shows her you are supporting, do let her know you are hurting but you only want whats best for her too). let her know when she is ready to talk you are ready to listen. keep your yapper shut, let her talk and vent. She may say things that will sting you, let it in and let it go but pay attention to what she is saying and not saying.
All the things you've procrastinated over the years, get on them use them to distract yourself enough to not fall into the dwell trap. make notes, of your feelings, process it and then let it go. As Hilary and Raymond suggested use your personal tools of intellect and feelings to understand what's really going on. Use a sutle approach softness truimphs over hardness when you have become more aware and have a better idea where to start small in getting communication lines with your wife and kids to open up.
Above all don't ever accuse, don't ever insult, don't ever speak out of anger otherwise you may fall flat and have a much more diffcult time in getting communication going. if you feel the blood starting to boil say I have to stop for now, can we continue when I'm calm down? Do the same if your Wife is getting angry. let her know its ok to be mad and the both of you can talk when she is calm and ready to talk again.
She will appreciate that more then she'll admit to.
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Johnee
Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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