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Old 29th December 2011, 02:01 PM   #91
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

May I just ask you 'ladies of experience' about the menopausal experience?

I understand that it makes you feel very short-tempered, irritable, hot, cold, headaches, and so on. What I don't understand is why I, an innocent bystander, get all the flak.

Someone mentioned having a husband to take it out on. How does this work? What is the need to take it out on someone, and why is it always just the person you live with? I am trying to find a way of not taking this personally.
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Old 29th December 2011, 05:25 PM   #92
Forever
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

What I meant was that if you let her have a flat for a year or so (since neither of you are getting anything out of this relationship but discouragement) and wait for her hormones to balance out...I think she will be 1) shocked about how she treated you after a "time out" alone...or 2) happy to see herself go and remains that way. Either way this is solved (at her request).

Staying together with so much hostility coming from her is eroding what feelings you have, and if I were you, I would want to hang onto to hope for another year and I would be willing to do anything to preserve what is left of those feelings and see if this will pass.

I have been through menopause...it is not that women want someone to take "it" out on...it is just easy to do when you are so close and in the liine of fire. "Issues" or irritations that would have been dealt with in a more civilized and considerate manner...are blown way out of proportion during this time...like PMS..only it does not let up until the body gets readjusted...which could take about two years without the right medication. The trash incident is a perfect example.

Here is the sad thing...she cant act like this to others because she will get fired or cut out of their life if she does...but she feels confident enough with you to not consider that there may be a price to pay on your end also....so she "lets loose" whenever she does in a thoughtless manner.

If you sit her down and tell her that you hate seeing her so unhappy and that you decided to help her get her own flat, she would fall out of her chair...but that would give her some relief (she thinks) and start her thinking more clearly about if this is something she really really wants.

It may be...but I think you both need the break if you do not have the constitution for another year of this under the same roof.

Can you remain faithful and wait to see what becomes of her during that time?

Last edited by Forever; 29th December 2011 at 05:31 PM.
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Old 29th December 2011, 05:45 PM   #93
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Wise words - thank you for that.

Yes, I think she needs to feel that she is in the driving seat, and then she will have to think carefully about what she really wants. Good thinking.
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Old 29th December 2011, 05:48 PM   #94
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Can you be a good and faithfull husband while apart?
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Old 29th December 2011, 05:51 PM   #95
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Yes, certainly. In fact this whole thing has put me off the very idea of other encounters. How she will behave is another question.
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Old 29th December 2011, 06:06 PM   #96
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Well, how she will behave will unfold over time...but at least you will then be away from all the angst and the assalts. This will either make or break the direction of the marriage...dont do it unless you are prepared to let it run the course and come out of it possibly losing a wife...because in the end... it might not be only the menopause working against you.

Im betting it is mainly the menopause though.
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Old 29th December 2011, 06:10 PM   #97
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Well, how she will behave will unfold over time...but at least you will then be away from all the angst and the assalts. This will either make or break the direction of the marriage...dont do it unless you are prepared to let it run the course and come out of it possibly losing a wife...because in the end... it might not be only the menopause working against you.

Im betting it is mainly the menopause though.
Obviously, this is not an easy thing for me to do. However, I really am not prepared to live with ongoing criticism and annoyance over trivia, constantly chipping away at my sense of well-being, so I actually have nothing more to lose. She will only come back if she changes her stance, and I will only want her back if she does.

Not easy, but perhaps the only way forward.
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Old 29th December 2011, 06:12 PM   #98
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

If you do this...you can have a "date" once a week and keep the "door" open while keeping a finger on her "pulse". How would you feel about doing that if she were willing also?
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Old 29th December 2011, 06:14 PM   #99
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post
Obviously, this is not an easy thing for me to do. However, I really am not prepared to live with ongoing criticism and annoyance over trivia, constantly chipping away at my sense of well-being, so I actually have nothing more to lose. She will only come back if she changes her stance, and I will only want her back if she does.

Not easy, but perhaps the only way forward.
Try to remember that she has NO sense of well being either...she is a mess.
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Old 29th December 2011, 07:43 PM   #100
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
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If you do this...you can have a "date" once a week and keep the "door" open while keeping a finger on her "pulse". How would you feel about doing that if she were willing also?
I would feel that it would be the wrong thing to do, actually. She wants a break (and so do I), so that's what we should have.
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Old 29th December 2011, 07:45 PM   #101
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Try to remember that she has NO sense of well being either...she is a mess.
Noted, but I don't think that means I should feel a mess too. If at least one of us manages to hold on to all our marbles it might even be an advantage for us both.
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Old 29th December 2011, 10:15 PM   #102
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I can understand where you are coming from. If you decide to sit her down to make her an offer to get her own flat, it might be more productive to word it so that your concern is for her happiness rather than about your misery. How do you feel about that?
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Old 30th December 2011, 02:12 AM   #103
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Yes, I agree with that. More productive in that I will be seen to be 'accommodating' her needs (sorry about the pun) and also because I won't be demonised for kicking her out.

Things keep changing day to day, so I will have to pick a day when she starts back on the 'incompatibility' gambit.
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Old 30th December 2011, 02:20 AM   #104
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Sounds like a good plan...wish it did not have to go down that way...maybe she will sense something different in you and it wont be necessary after all. Let us know how all that transpires.
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Old 30th December 2011, 02:37 PM   #105
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I can well imagine other husbands just shrugging it off and accepting that she is going through a temporary bout of insanity - which is what it seems like. Make a few sympathetic gestures, note that she has kicked off again, and go out with a mate. "Hope you feel better when I come back, darling."

I seem to get caught up in sorting it out, not having to be subjected to abuse, etc. I am my own worst enemy, I suppose some would say.

Not sure what to think, really.
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