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Old 21st December 2012, 02:26 PM   #1
Intact27
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Please Help Me...

Hi there, really hoping someone can help me as I'm truly at my witts end...

Ten days ago - just 1 day after my Wife's 39th Birthday she told me she no longer loved me, or is attracted too me in any way - and she asked to split up. (She told she has felt like this for years - we have been married 10 years)

I was, and am devastated - we have a 8 year old Son and I desperately want to keep my marriage (and family) together. I know with 100% certainty she's not cheating on me (I've checked).

I have never cheated on her but have been guilty of letting the marriage coast along...

I have pleaded with her to try again - to save our marriage - but she just says she is not in love with me - and won't be on love with me again...

We have scheduled a session with a marriage counsellor on the 8th Jan - I want to go to save our marriage - she wants to go it seems to find an amicable ending...

I have tried "wooing' her and being the perfect husband - but it just hasn't worked...

Last night I was tired and upset so I finally admitted defeat too her and told her I'd look for somewhere else to live. She broke down "I can't afford this house on my own", "I hate myself so much for doing this" etc etc - I asked her again to try and work on our marriage... but no...

She went out early this morning on the school run, and when she returned, although still upset and shaken up - she is full of me finding my own place, splitting the bank account and sorting out whom will have our Son and when...

I'm devastated - is this really it? Should I just walk away now?

Any help would be very much appreciated - i have never felt so low.
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Old 21st December 2012, 04:00 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Please Help Me...

Can you be certain there is no one else Intact. Many times we have heard those words on here and found out there was a third person even on the internet. You be surprised the ties which take place just through that.

Obvious love is more than a feeling. It is also a comittment so saying one doesn't feel sounds a bit weak to me. If there is no one else why does she not want to try to save her marriage when you are so willing to work on it.
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Old 21st December 2012, 04:54 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

I would have to agree with Raymond, however, I would just go ahead and give her what she wants...a separation though, not file for divorce...yet.

You would be surprised at what the reality will do to wake her up (providing there is no third party involved). A woman who just decides she is no longer "in love" with her husband and tears her family apart will not simply go skipping merrily along her way thereafter...once reality hits...and this usually happens after she is alone in her new life. The "greener grass" syndrome is at work here.

Do not grovel, and do not give her everything she wants. Be fair and equitable straight down the line. Let her feel the full impact of her choice. You may be tempted to throw everything her way due to your shock and grief...but if you later find that she did indeed have a least an emotional affair going on with someone else, you will regret it. You will be pulled through enough knot holes just in the separation process...you will thereafter, have to weigh whether or not you want to take her back after finding she has been trolling around for someone new.

She is not looking for you to be the "perfect husband". She is simply bored of the marriage and thinks there is something better out there to spice up her life. If she already has someone in her sights, or if she finds someone else...she is not the kind of woman that you need as a life partner growing old with.
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Old 21st December 2012, 05:58 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Please Help Me...

Dear Intact,
Welcome to the forum. Nice words to hear that she is fed up with the marriage and no longer loves you and thinks you should move out!
I agree there is likely some "trolling" going on in your wifes' life that she thinks life would be more attractive without you in it! The internet comes right into the home and many are lured by strangers who listen and share innermost feelings with a lonely spouse, bored with years of tasks and the usual trivia of shared living. The fantasy escape seems real and many believe they will go on to a great romance.

First thing I would say in your spot is "This is my home and I am not leaving."
If SHE is the one who finds life with you so burdensome, suggest SHE move out. Why should you make her all comfortable in the family home to find her "new life?" I guess she works? If she does not, suggest to her... better she goes and gets a job FAST, because she will need to support herself, because you aren't paying for her new life! Now, maybe this sounds nasty?
It is even more nasty to tell a husband of 10 years he no longer fits into your game plan and he can make other living atrrangements.

My advice..Do NOT be Mr. Nice Guy. You should both attend counselling, and that is a given, but if she has a fantasy online romance going , it will be for naught. Give up? No, do not give up as you have 10 years invested and a child here. Maybe your intensity of shock and sadness will spur you to be a real good man who renews the romantic efforts that won her in the 1st place. Ask her what you can do to be the man she loves. Ask her what was there about you that won her at the beginning. Turn the clock back and put forth that effort.

See about some alone time. Maybe you suggest a weekend trip away for the two of you. Maybe you think about the last time you actually shared a romantic outing..the two of you. When it the last time the sex was hot and not like parents stealing time? Put forth some monumental effort to be the guy she loved 10 years ago. Has there been weight gain, or bad habits, that she doesn't like? A couple who buys a gym membership and goes together to work on fitness can roll back the clock on better bodies and thinking about each other.

Don't make it easy for her to roll you out the door. Believe in your ability to win her love again.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st December 2012 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 21st December 2012, 09:49 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Please Help Me...

I agree with the above. You stay put and if she wants to leave then let her. WHy is it that the one who doesnt want the marriage to end always has to leave? Why make it easy for her? You stay with your son and let her go, if that is her choice.

I think its very likely that she has someone else, whether on line, at work or elsewhere. This lie about her having been unhappy for 'years' is nonsense. You have only been married for 10 years so how can that be? Its usually an excuse when someone says that, and if she has been so unhappy then why did she say nothing?

Make it clear that you arent leaving, that you wont enable her bad behavior by leaving and breaking up this family, and that you will do all you can to keep the family together.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 10:13 AM   #6
Intact27
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Re: Please Help Me...

Thanks for your comments.

I'm as sure as I can be that there's no one else - Ive checked her phone records, Facebook, mobile and e mails and nothing - also she's doesn't exactly seem to be looking after herself at the moment.

I've tried to be romantic and suggested dates etc but she wont have any of it and just says "I don't want to do that with you".

I am really hurt at the moment, and feel that my family is slipping away from me. I've tried everything and nothing seems to be working.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 11:32 AM   #7
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

Does she have any history of depression or mental illness? Do any of her close family members? Can you elaborate on the "not looking after herself" comment specifically?
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Old 22nd December 2012, 12:54 PM   #8
Intact27
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Re: Please Help Me...

No history as far as I'm aware...

Silly things; just noticed she hadn't shaved her legs etc - I honestly think if someone is having an affair they really do tend to look after themselves (or at least their appearance).

I am 100% convinced (and I wasn't before that she is not having an affair.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 05:12 PM   #9
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

I think you need to get her to a doctor and have her hormones checked...then to a psychologist to see if they can determine if she is chemically or clinically depressed. Often when people are, they zero in on the one closest to them as the cause of their unhappiness...(that would be you), and come up with all kinds of reasons why they need to get away from them. Her saying that she hates herself for what she is doing does not sound like someone who has a good grip on themselves...and you are correct about someone having an affair would be taking good care of their appearance.

Let us know if you are able to convince her to go to the doctor. Tell her that before you would even consider a separation (her leaving) you wont give in to that until you find out for sure if there is another physical, chemical, or psychological cause for this...that will require her cooperation.

Has she suffered any loses over the past five years or so? Someone she cared deeply for? A job she cherished? Does she hate her work?
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Old 22nd December 2012, 07:22 PM   #10
Intact27
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Re: Please Help Me...

She hasn't lost anyone recently - like I said it all seemed to change after her 39th Birthday but she swears it's not this.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 08:32 PM   #11
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

Do not budge until you find out what is ailing her. She has to give definitive reasons for why she feels as she does...so far she has given nothing except to elaborate on feelings rather than on actual incidents which caused her to turn. Do NOT budge...if she leaves, you cannot stop her, but dont you dare go anywhere regardless of her insistence.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 08:35 PM   #12
Intact27
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Re: Please Help Me...

Thanks for that - but surely she's not just going to change her mind over night? It's devastating especially at the moment with a Son and Christmas a few days away.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 08:53 PM   #13
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

No, she did not get that way overnight...but you must make a stand against this. Do not leave your home. Can you pray for her?
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Old 22nd December 2012, 08:54 PM   #14
Intact27
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Re: Please Help Me...

I have been praying constantly.
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Old 22nd December 2012, 08:56 PM   #15
Forever
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Re: Please Help Me...

Excellent...keep praying, specifically for her rather than for yourself. I will join you.
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