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Old 28th November 2010, 10:37 AM   #46
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Whatever you have done Birdit you are repentant of it so please don't condemn your self now and make your present life worse than it should be. If we can't forgive our marriage partners when they are truly sorry it is a poor show really. Perhaps you are better off in a way without him if he doesn't know how to forgive when you are sorry and trying your best. Part of a good marriage is knowing how to forgive when it is needed. It is part of the committment. One cannot grow without it and we are all imperfect and need it at times when we are sorry.

You have learned your lesson and should be given another chance but it is not a thing you can force. If it is not given freely it isn't worth anything.

Your main challenge now Birdit is to keep yourself up and not be swallowed up by remorse. You need to plan your life anew and try and look forward. That's the best way to bring him round as well if he is ever going to come round, but don't do it for that or it will be false. Do it for yourself.
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Old 5th December 2010, 10:40 PM   #47
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

A little update........... he emailed to say we need to talk further and suggested after this weekend when the dust had settled. However, we'd been invited to some drinks by the neighbours and I wanted to go. He said he may be at his parents so wasn't sure if he was going. To cut a long story short he didn't go to his parents and texted to ask if I was going to the drinks. I was, and then he suggested getting some food beforehand and offered for me to stay over to save the journey home. Naively I agreed to all of this (last night was the event) and now just feel even more deflated becuase it is obvious he was just being kind - I think I deluded myself that he would change his mind. It was like nothing had happened but I've just had a text asking how my day was (because I went to a drinks reception at the restaurant where we hda our wedding dinner) and asking if it was strange going back "given our situation". So clearly nothing has changed in his mind and now I feel a) stupid b) naive and c) even more upset than before. WHat was I thinking?!?!??
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Old 5th December 2010, 10:56 PM   #48
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Don't beat yourself up for having hope , you are feeling very emotional at the moment and it's easy to read things the wrong way. He obviously still cares about you and that's a good thing .

If he really has made his mind up then you need to distance yourself a bit and give yourself time to work on problems and sort out your own future . I would guess he's trying to make sure you're ok , try to take that at face value.
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Old 6th December 2010, 12:08 AM   #49
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I agree with Helen, if he is definatly ending it, then you do need to get some distance from each other to have some space to accept it and begin the task of adapting to life without him,and for healing. I am sure he does care about you, but just cant cope with the behaviour anymore.
However he did say that he wants to talk more, so who knows what he may say.
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Old 7th December 2010, 05:05 PM   #50
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hi all, am trying to give him some space, but he texted last night to offer me money to help with the rent. I ignored it. Then he texted at 5am asking what had I done wtih my weddign ring (I'm not wearing it). I ignored it. Then he sent me two emails asking why I was ignoring him. So I responded and said I wasn't. He replied offering money for rent. I told him my current room was not a permanent solution. He then responds saying he's "Happy to help me out financially" as he knows that I "didn't want to move out"?!? What on earth is going on? He doesn't seem to grasp the fact that I will be entitled to money if we get divorced. Not that this is about money but it's almost like he's saying if we keep things sweet, he'll cough up, but if I consult lawyers etc, he won't be very happy. But unless I consult a lawyer, I don't know what I'm entitled to.
Very confused and don't know how to respond. Also because I don't want to be the one to initiate the divorce.
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Old 7th December 2010, 05:06 PM   #51
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Sorry, forgot to say he asked if I wanted to buy a flat or if I was considering another rental.......
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Old 7th December 2010, 05:19 PM   #52
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Re: husband asked me to move out

To be honest it really isn't his business so just reply saying you haven't made any firm plans yet . He has made the decision so he has to get used to the fact you don't really have to tell him what your plans are.
Financially you will be entitled I would have though to a portion of any shared property and of course you will need to seek legal advice to find out and protect your rights . It's unreasonable of him to expect otherwise . You don't need to start divorce proceedings to ask advice about that.
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Old 7th December 2010, 05:34 PM   #53
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Yes, i've had some initial advice but they can't tell me a figure until they know what he has. Which means we have to go through "financial disclosure". Which will be a red rag to a bull and I don't think you can do this until one of you files for divorce anyway. Clearly I'm in no hurry for him to do that, but on the other hand, I need some money from him to buy a flat.
He will think - if I mention disclosure and lawyers etc - that I am out to fleece him for all he has. Not the case, but I don't know whether his offer is "fair and reasonable" unless a solicitor advises what I mgiht legally be entitled to. So I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I want to get a share reflecting my contribution but on the other, I don't want him to think I'm greedy (he's already intimated as such - the property is in his name but I have contributed financially over the years) because he will then get nasty and at the moment, we are on good terms.
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Old 7th December 2010, 06:14 PM   #54
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit could it be that he is actually only wanting to help you in the short term in case you need it?
yes you will both need to do a full financial disclosure, its all part of any divorce.This will all take time. Mine took well over a year to work out, and my husbands took 8 months when he got divorced.
If the house was his before you met, this will count, as you were only married for a year, and there are no children to have to house. This may mean that you wont be entitiled to much. If you had bought it together and it was therefore in joint names, than that would be different, but it will also depend on what you both earn and on any savings and other assetts that there are.
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Old 7th December 2010, 06:24 PM   #55
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Solicitor said it's not cut and dried. As we lived together for 9 years but had a break of a year, a court could regard our relationship as being 9 years, 4 years (since I last moved back in) or just the marriage. This is all about what they call "seamless cohabitation". Unfortunately for me it's not been seamless for the full 9 years, but hopefully they would not regard it as only since the marriage. They think I'll get more than a figure he has in mind, so it will certainly get messy. I'm not after money for money's sake, just what I put in and some reflection of the financial decisions I made (ie didn't buy my own place) by virtue of the fact I was in a relationship. He after all has benefited from the rise in equity of a property that I contributed to 50% while I was living there.
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Old 7th December 2010, 06:39 PM   #56
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Birdit, the thing is that there hasnt been a very big rise in equity in the last few years, in fact none at all where I live, so that may not make any difference.
Ok I thought that it didnt apply unless you were married, but it clearly depends on what the judge decides. It also depends on what your husband is offering you, as if it goes to solicitors and especially to court, it will cost you both a lot of money. My divorce cost £6000 and it was fairly non confrontational and straightforward. If we had gone to court the amount would have been vastly more than this. It will also take many many months, and if it goes to court, possibly well over a year. If you can wait that long then go to a solicitor.

Last edited by chosen; 7th December 2010 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 7th December 2010, 07:27 PM   #57
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I would have thought there would be a rise in equity over nine years.

I can't see how accepting temporary help will affect a proper legal division of assets. I know that you are feeling that he might be keeping you sweet so that it doesn't end up with solicitors/lawyers. You will have to wait and see what happens.

It is good that you are still relating well and I know that you don't want to get fighting if you don't have to. I think you know enough about things not to be bought off cheaply. A good offer though is worth considering as this will save a lot of money which goes to the lawyers. You are wise to get an estimate of the monetary possibilities considering how you have been contributing to the mortgage all those years.
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Old 7th December 2010, 11:47 PM   #58
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

his property has risen a lot over the past 10 years. anyway, it's not about the money, but I made decisions based on being in a relationship, one of which was not to buy a property of my own. had i, then i woudl have paid off 10 years of mortgage by now. anyway, what hurts me is that he made vows and made a fool out of me. for better for worse etc etc and he clearly meant none of it. i have been such an idiot. frankly, the sooner i depart this life the better - there is nothing left for me here. a little bit of money would help me provide for my parents and that is that.
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Old 8th December 2010, 10:48 AM   #59
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit there is life after divorce believe me.
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Old 8th December 2010, 11:40 AM   #60
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I've lost my dreams, my future plans, my soulmate, my best friend, my first love, my social life, and my home. Doesn't seem there is much to look forward to.
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