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Old 27th September 2011, 04:15 PM   #316
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I think you are both right, Helen i agree she has become caught up in the new found excitement and want this no matter what the damage is, Raymond i agree there is now she is not flirting in that scene this is waht gives me the sickening feeling when i think about it, i just dont get it, she says she is trying and by all accounts we do get along if i dont mention things that she is doing that is hurting but of course i do mention them and this causes issues.

To say that she loves me and will try but is not very forthcoming in that dept at the moment and that i need to be patient while she goes out and still in my eyes has an interest in this guy online, i mean if she knows how much it hurts and still has him on there as a close friends suggests otherwise, even if she does say there is nothing going on or that she is doing nothing wrong.

She knows this bothers me but still has him as a friend and had recently marked him as a close friend but still this goes on even though i have mentioned it, i know she is not talking to him on FB but she still has him on there, if she is not interested then why on earth would he still be there, her excuse is he is just a friend and is not doing anything wrong so will not remove him, maybe i need to have a little more trust but then this has to earned and she is not earning it at all by her behaviour, in all honesty other than these issues she is doing nothing wrong, we get on for the most part, but as soon as i mention or ask her to stop we argue, selfish yeah caught up in the excitement yeah committed to the marriage at the moment no, she says this will take time but i am no match for her new found friends, she finds this more exciting than me and will not stop.

In all honesty she is not wanting to go out all the time one a month which will increase i know that is not much to ask for but i am uneasy with the town partying thing while all this is going on, and just feel is she is not happy at home 100% then she is playing with fire no matter if she says she is not interested in other men or being unfaithful, yeah maybe i should give her the rope and see where it goes but i doubt that i would handle it well and feel that i would kick off after she got her own way and that it would pass giving her the licence to keep on doing it, effectively a doormat. Everything else is going pairshaped too, and not through lack off trying, my job is looking iffy just now and may well be demoted or at the worst sacked my BMW is playing up and needs fixed again i need it for work and is looking like it may be the head gasket not good everthing is going wrong just now.
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Old 27th September 2011, 06:30 PM   #317
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hi HB

'She's not that into you' comes to my mind.

Your w wants to fill some kind of void by seeking male attention, which is not the kind of behaviour of a woman who's deeply in love with her husband would have. She wants her freedom seeking male attention and if possible, she wants more (and eventually move on?) That's how it looks like to my mind.

The thing is, she hasn't changed that much since this thread had started. You were an underdog in this relationship and she's not afraid of overstepping the boundaries again and again. You get upset and come to this site to have some moan and the thing starts to improve on the surface and then you have more problems shortly after things appear to look better than before. That is because this relationship hasn't fundamentally changed. You are only going around the circle.

Take care xx

Last edited by Chamomile; 27th September 2011 at 06:31 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 29th September 2011, 08:43 AM   #318
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

There is a sense of this going round in circles, the difference being that she is now getting out once a month and doing it. It seems an unhealthy appetite for something outside of marriage. If it was a hobby or something no problem, but having these men friends and going out clubbing without you heartbroken does show something is not right in her attitude.

It's catch 22 really. You don't have authority over what she does neither do you have it in you to give her the rope but make her face the consequences if she goes astray. I think there has to be consequences if she is not going to listen to you but those consequences can only happen when she messes up. If people don't listen to good advice then they will only learn by messing up. She needs to have the threat that you will disown her if she ends up with another man and not be enabled to think that if she slept with someone you would still be there to be a doormat.
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Old 29th September 2011, 03:31 PM   #319
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

yeah i agree, i have told her the repercussions, and that at the moment this behaviour is not well timed if we are to sort things out, i asked about the facebook thing and she said that she enjoyed speaking to the guy, no big deal but considering that he was once more than a friend i feel this is treading on very thin ice, to enjoy speaking to spomeone you one had a relationship with no matter how long ago it was is dodgy.

I have said that i am very unhappy with the behaviour of going out into town till 3.30am as regular as that and that i dont mind now and then but if it is to be regular and the fact that i still work nights and dont see her as much as i would like will only cause probs and cause me to moan.

I do try to stop moaning but find it hard, i dont i only do it because of how she is acting, i have the choice to go back to in taxi self employed dayshift if i want and feel the time has come to seriously think about it now as i am sick of nights.

If she keeps on going out at the weekends till the early hours ( i know its just a bit of fun ) i wont need to convice myself i dont want to be with her, i know i wont want to be with her i cant live like that i aint into being the hubby that sits at home worrying what she is up to, not my thing.

She is real fed up of my moaning i just wish she would see why i moan, its not for nothing its her behaviour that causes it.
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Old 29th September 2011, 05:54 PM   #320
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post

It seems an unhealthy appetite for something outside of marriage. If it was a hobby or something no problem, but having these men friends and going out clubbing without you heartbroken does show something is not right in her attitude.

You don't have authority over what she does neither do you have it in you to give her the rope but make her face the consequences if she goes astray. I think there has to be consequences if she is not going to listen to you but those consequences can only happen when she messes up.

She needs to have the threat that you will disown her if she ends up with another man and not be enabled to think that if she slept with someone you would still be there to be a doormat.
Hi Raymond

I have to say, you have summarized the situation extremely well.

It's a bit like a middle-aged woman who happens to be someone's wife wanting to be peudo-young and free again, trying to re-live her teenage years.

HB:

Did your wife marry young and have children? If she did, then maybe, that explains re. how she is feeling; she may feel she had missed out alot when she was younger.

She could seek her own therapy to find out why she's acting the way she has been. You tolerate her poor behaviour. Sadly, they say, men tolerate poor behaviour of their other half so long as their bedroom dept is OK or good etc. I should think, she knows so long as she keeps feeding what you need, then you would tolerate most things.

It is probably useful if you went to Relate etc and gain some useful relationship skills and insight. If she won't change, then you would need to change.
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Old 29th September 2011, 06:13 PM   #321
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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Originally Posted by heartbroken View Post

I do try to stop moaning but find it hard, i dont i only do it because of how she is acting, i have the choice to go back to in taxi self employed dayshift if i want and feel the time has come to seriously think about it now as i am sick of nights.

If she keeps on going out at the weekends till the early hours ( i know its just a bit of fun ) i wont need to convice myself i dont want to be with her, i know i wont want to be with her i cant live like that i aint into being the hubby that sits at home worrying what she is up to, not my thing.

She is real fed up of my moaning i just wish she would see why i moan, its not for nothing its her behaviour that causes it.
HB

If my memory serves me correctly, a while ago, you were going to switch to a day shift in order to spend more time with your wife? Also, I seem to recall that she didn't want you to change your shift. She prefers to keep her freedom when you're away busy with your work.

Usually, relationship problems won't get solved unless you want to move on either with her or without her. You have a tendency to go back to the same pattern.

Usually, moaning does not resolve any problems and she may find your nagging/moaning simply annoying but that won't make her change.

You've given her too much control in everything. You need to stop listening to her lame excuses as you had these so often and too many already. It's about time you changed and she will follow.
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Old 29th September 2011, 06:22 PM   #322
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Heartbroken,

You say you've told her the repercussions... but what exactly are they ? You've admitted to us that you feel you couldn't live without her, no doubt she's fully aware of this fact . So there are no repercussions for her are there ?

She will keep on doing what she's doing because there are no consequences to her behaviour other than you moaning at her about it.

I think you need to stop trying to rationalize what she's doing , stop making excuses and being understanding . The only way things will change is if you change them.

Ever heard the saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got "........?
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Old 29th September 2011, 06:39 PM   #323
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi Raymond

I have to say, you have summarized the situation extremely well.

It's a bit like a middle-aged woman who happens to be someone's wife wanting to be peudo-young and free again, trying to re-live her teenage years.

HB:

Did your wife marry young and have children? If she did, then maybe, that explains re. how she is feeling; she may feel she had missed out alot when she was younger.

She could seek her own therapy to find out why she's acting the way she has been. You tolerate her poor behaviour. Sadly, they say, men tolerate poor behaviour of their other half so long as their bedroom dept is OK or good etc. I should think, she knows so long as she keeps feeding what you need, then you would tolerate most things.

It is probably useful if you went to Relate etc and gain some useful relationship skills and insight. If she won't change, then you would need to change.
i have got to say i have thought this way, that because we settled down very young she is reliving her youth she was 16 and i 17 we had our first child at 18, she swears this is not the case but it all points to this, when i ask her she says she realises now after 23 years that there is more to life than this, i felt this was a slap in the face but i can not nor will not make excuses for who or what i am , that is a loving caring man who does all he can to provide and be there for his family, if she finds this boring then fine but this is what she wanted and also what i wanted it just so happens in doing so she seems to no longer want it, i also feel since returning to work, work that has a lot of social activity she feels she wants to join in, i agree she should but i also feel she is being lured and caught up in what she thinks is the norm, going out with them as much as possible, just a pity that is every week, i aint saying that is wrong its just not who i am anymore or comfy with.

I also agree that she feeds what i need in order to shut me up, she has told me this. That she only did things some of the time in order to keep me quiet, pity i never realised.

I aint saying all of the time but most of the time, but the problem now is i know about it where i did not before and so makes it hard for me to think it is genuine and so keep asking her or trying with her to see if the feeilng is genuine, basicilly the cat is out of the bag and she can no longer in my mind fake it, but the thing is and she told me that my moaning pushes her away and makes it hard for her to show love i get this but how long do i have to wait until she comes to me, i think i know the answer, maybe never thats how it feels. To an extent we all do things to please our other half and also stop doing things that we may not have realised were wrong at the time this to me is a compramise and understanding, but what i ask myself is how much did she feel she gave up of what she really wanted to do in order to stay married with me, thats the hard bit. If she wants to be this way now i feel there is no way forward for us and no matter how much i want to be with her i cant i just cant so that the way i feel she is going, it just annoyes me that she is being distracted by her work i wouldnt go as far as to say manipulated but there is defo a feeling of she feels s if she is missing out. If she goes this way i know i dont want to be with her, i am a 40 year old guy who does not want to be in town all hours drinking i personally dont find this appealing if she does we will go our seperate ways for sure. I am too old for that carry on i ahve settled down, it took me long enough and cant go back the way, i suppose maybe she is the same and cant go back. i just wish i had known before and i would not have married her, we all sacrifice things in life.

As for work i am defo swaying going back into a taxi in order to work days i am just not happy working nights anymore, i have no life but it made it worthwhile whan i thought i had a loving wife to come home to. it seems pointless now, i need my life back instead of every week working nights it just does not work as well as trying to have a life, my only prob is that being in a taxi means my finaces are not the same every week and am anxious that i may not make enough, that is the only thing stopping me, but i may have to take the plundge no matter what as i am just not happy this way, i suppose to an extent i did mybe what she did and sacrificed my own happiness working nights even though i didnt want to in order to make her happy, i think from now on i will do what makes me happy and not just to please her as is always the case this never has worked, i have had some great jobs, oil jobs, manager jobs my taxi job was a good one and even the one i am in now all but this one lost because of how she behaved and pushed me to the edge and so couldnt cope.

Last edited by heartbroken; 29th September 2011 at 07:04 PM.
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Old 29th September 2011, 07:33 PM   #324
Raymond
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

I agree with this moaning thing mentioned by Chamomile and Helen having to stop. It doesn't produce anything and can be counter productive. This could partly be why she is walking all over you.

Her thoughts about speaking to this ex as no big thing is totally wrong. It is a big thing actually. It is opening up old avenues and there could already be a soul tie there. It speaks volumes as to her attitude.

The way I see it is. "You are going to do what you want and I am not going to moan any more but I tell you this. If you end up cheating with another man I am not going to be here for you. What it will be saying to me is that you want to end the marriage and that is how I shall take it."

Are you able to stand tall and live up to that. She might respect you more if you do instead of moaning? She is risking her marriage and home and you cannot expect to save it on your own.
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Old 30th September 2011, 10:07 AM   #325
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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i think from now on i will do what makes me happy and not just to please her as is always the case this never has worked, i have had some great jobs, oil jobs, manager jobs my taxi job was a good one and even the one i am in now all but this one lost because of how she behaved and pushed me to the edge and so couldnt cope.
Hi HB

I think that is not a bad plan at all, HB.

I totally agree with what Raymond says. Women tend to take notice of self-respecting men. Being a doormat isn't always very attractive. It's extremely important to place your own health and happiness first in a situation such as this. You can't be dragged on, forever.

I hear on the news that night shifts are detrimental to one's physical and emotional health and one is far more exposed to extra stresses/illnesses as a result. It seems also that night shifts seem to be a breeding ground for marital problems. Other half finding more extra curricular time and opportunities. Switching to a day work may be very helpful if you want to salvage what you can in your marriage.

I doubt very much that your w would be able to manage going solo completely. She wants to keep her security provided by you and by this marriage. (I remember how she behaved in the past on the thread)

If she loves you (I believe she does) then she also needs to change in order to move forward. If she is unable to control her unacceptable behaviour when drinking, then she might want to consider not drinking at all. When drinking alcohol is controlling her behaviour then it's time she stopped drinking. Things could only get worse. You stop paying attention to her excuses for her poor and at times, self-destructive behaviour.

Income is important to sustain a decent living for your family but sometimes there's something more important as well. Knowing you have an excellent track record in your work, then I'm sure you would eventually be able to land on a day job that you really want.

Wishing you well and hope things will improve soon for you.
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Old 30th September 2011, 11:57 AM   #326
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

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Heartbroken,

You say you've told her the repercussions... but what exactly are they ? You've admitted to us that you feel you couldn't live without her, no doubt she's fully aware of this fact . So there are no repercussions for her are there ?

She will keep on doing what she's doing because there are no consequences to her behaviour other than you moaning at her about it.

I think you need to stop trying to rationalize what she's doing , stop making excuses and being understanding . The only way things will change is if you change them.

Ever heard the saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got "........?

Helen has hit the nail on the head with this. I've been guilty of being bit of a doormat too. I won't be overtly obtuse now - I still dearly love my wife and want my family together - but I think my w and yours maybe need to know that men who really adore them may never come along again, whatever our faults and misdemeanours.

SM
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Old 1st October 2011, 02:55 AM   #327
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

well folks it had to happen, she has walked out, let me explain.

Came home today after being at the garage getting the car sorted, it was about 5.30pm just after she had got home from work, i came in happy the car was sorted and that it was the weekend, time to spend with her.

I came into find her in the shower shaving her legs and bits with my razor the cheek lol ( something she never really bothered with before) anyway when she came out i asked where she was going she said nowhere but i knew only to well.

Ithen asked her again nd she said out into town with the girls again, i wasnt happy as she did try to hide it from me, i said i have just worked the whole week hardly seeing her and she had not mentioned this. She said tough but all i wanted was to spend time with her but she was adamant.

Iwent downstair and checked my back account and my wages tht had only went in 4 days ago were gone leaving me £30 quid, i had paid all the bills etc and she had just got her pay leaving her mostly all her pay to herself. Again i was not happy and told her she then grabbed my shirt and would not let go, i managed to get free and went downstairs to the kitchen but she followed and grabbed me by the throat against the wall infront of my eldest, he then went crazy shouting at us both but it was her who wouldnt leave me alone and was very angry, he then came up to me and was threatening me, i could take no more and went to my mothers house, she was very unhappy with this and after a short period we both went up, i just wanted to go home and my mother was only coming to make sure there was not a repeat.

When we got there my wife and son were still being abusive to me as well as to my mother i then asked them to stop, my wife and eldest son then started swearing at her, we went to another room to discuss what i have had to put up with and my mother suggested i call the police, i did. Some time later my wife calmed down and came to say sorry to my mother but the police were already on there way, i then called them to cancel the call and we all spoke, i mentioned tht my wife had changed for the worst and we could no longer get on if she felt she wanted to continue to go out with her so called friends, but talked more and tried to resolve the problem, i agreed that i would take my mother home so i did.

I sat at my mothers for a cuppa and went home hoping we could all get along, i came home and my youngest son and wife were gone, my eldest had gone out, i really didnt expect her to do this but called my mother to tell her, the police arrived even though i called to cancel, i let them in and explained, prob is my wife has told me that if i call the police she would lose her job as she works in social care and the reports from police would go through her dept, but why should i be blackmailed like this by her, she should not do the things she does, i explained to the police the situation with her work but they could not help, i really wish i had not called as i know this will anger her and there will be no chance, she will be charged and hate me, i feel terrible.

The bottom line is she lies and hides things from me and always has and maybe will, she could have told me she was intending going out till 3.30am again but didnt till last minute i thought we going to spend some time together sadly that was not going to be the case, so out of 3 weekends she would have been out 2 and i hardly see her the only time we have is the weekends, i knew this would happen she want something else and i aint accepting it, the difference over the years was i usually did no matter what but i choose not to now and so we row, we just cant get along anymore about this at the end of the day with this issue and the fb thing, she really steps over the mark, and if she feels that going out partying at this stage in life then i am sorry i aint gonna be here to pick up the pieces, i have a very short amount of time with her and feel me working nights is a sacrifice and so we should spend the weekends together not her out till the early hours, i just cant put up with that when she has never done this before no matter how innocent she claims it is, i mean how can i trust her when she has lied so much, she says one thing but does the opposite, she is not here at the moment and tbh i aint missing her like i did before, i think i have just had enough, but of course she feels its all my fault and i have been unreasonable.

Yeah i do really go on about what she has been doing, i moan a lot and it serves no purpose, as she never changes, she says this is the reason she want to spend no time with me and i get that, but i feel that she is selfish expecting me to put up with all this, i have to keep quiet even though what she is doing is wrong or else, but i cant as i aint happy with her behaviour, when i did shut up for a few weeks she came back to me and i really thought we had a chance it was starting to work, but she went into town till 3.30am and it just hacked me off, so now i really dont know what to do, i aint gonna beg her she is at her mums again or so i think maybe she went out i dont know and dumped my youngest at her mum, funny thing was when she did come home earlier she dint even make our youngest something for supper instead went to get redy to go out , nice eh!!

Last edited by heartbroken; 1st October 2011 at 07:33 AM.
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Old 1st October 2011, 08:05 AM   #328
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

i feel terrible, knowing the police will on Monday go to her work, she will never forgive me, but what was i supposed to do put up with being attacked by my wife and son.

I just know that she will never forgive me as this will seriously affect her job or future job applications in this line of work, i have been so manipilated for many years i am the one who feels bad but my wife caused this not me, if she had not as well as my son done this i would not have called.
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Old 1st October 2011, 10:09 AM   #329
Chamomile
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

Hi (((((HB)))))

You've done the right thing, HB.

You really need to think about your own welfare first in a situation like this. If you wouldn't then, who can?

You have taken the vital step to be really honest about the situation and face the unpleasant and difficult reality, instead of descending into rationalizing issues/problems each time it crops up. So, well done. You were very brave. In some way, maybe, you were reluctant to take any steps before and you might have been even afraid of her reactions and what is going to happen if you had faced these problems as they were and spoke out about these head on.

Last thing you should think about right now is about "her" job and "her" problem etc. You should think about yourself going through this traumatic time and your own future ahead e.g. day job, what makes you happy etc.

Also you would need to learn to love yourself more, instead of constantly trying to look after the needs of others who do not give you any respect.

You need to build yourself up more instead of constantly worried about her and her job etc etc. She is an grown adult and she needs to learn to take responsibilities for her action. You cannot be held responsible for whatever she does, forever. (She is not a teenager) Sometimes, it's necessary to be tough and set your own boundaries in your marriage. You have finally set your boundaries with her at this time no matter how unpleasant it must have been. So, pat on your back, really. You showed her that you were no longer a "doormat".

I often had thought that your marriage did not have clear boundaries to work on and that's one of the reasons why it went completely dysfunctional. It's also difficult to live with someone who's not looking at the same direction as you were. I deeply sympathize about the situation and hope you keep building up and continue to move on instead of shrinking back again. You are of worth.

God bless.
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Old 1st October 2011, 10:13 AM   #330
heartbroken
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Re: Really need some advice this is bad

thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.

At the moment i have no real idea where my wife and youngest is, possibliy her mums i really dont know but i did notice her priority was her expensive face creams etc
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