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Old 9th September 2010, 04:35 AM   #136
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

I'm worried for you too, dear. That being said, I wish I had the opportunity to ponder.
Do tell us how it goes!
J
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Old 10th September 2010, 11:59 PM   #137
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

hey all,

Just thought I'd write a tiny update about me. Not much to tell but I think I am feeling better about my life. I am a little concerned that I may have thrown myself into work a little bit too much as every moment of every day I am working hard at my business. Have been feeling rather reflective this evening and have just reread my post from the very start. I feel so very lucky to have come up here and got on with my new business venture. So fortunate to have such wonderfully supportive parents and good friends. To have all of you and all at a moments notice as and when I have needed it. I do miss my H. I miss his silliness and laugh.
I've not heard anything from him since he called on Tuesday . I don't know I really and truly don't.
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Old 25th September 2010, 07:29 PM   #138
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well he came up for the day last Thursday and we spent the day together having lunch and talking. We went for a lovely walk in the afternoon in the countryside. It was very nice. He wanted to see my work office but I declined as I don't want him to see any of that, nor even know that I now have a house. He said he totally respects anything I say as he said he knows that whatever I say will be fine. He said how much he has realised this that and the other about his life. That I am 'not a bad old stick' (repeated phrase there) and he kissed me. He rang me on Monday just gone and said he would like to come up again perhaps this Sunday if I would like to see him. He was very much only saying if everything is ok with me. I then didn't hear form him til yesterday when he text me a few hello how are you texts. He is supposed to be coming up tomorrow but I haven't heard anything from him to arrange anything.

I am being very very cynical and overly suspicious and cautious but with a fair reason. i don't feel that anything has changed with regards to him but with me, well that's a different story. I think I am the one who has changed. I think he is a weak man and I can see it and I feel able to say to myself I have a choice and it's ok. I have grown strong through all of this pain and suffering and am unsure if I want this person in my life. I cannot fathom out any of his behaviour and I think until I get some answers I will not want to.
I do feel lonely though and I do miss him. But I have re-read through messages he sent me early on and now only see them as lies and deceit. i can't see that he has ever loved me because I don't actually think he knows what love really is as he has never truly felt it.

I feel a bit sorry for him as he has missed out on so much because he is so insecure. When he came up he was telling me how miserable his life is how he didn't think it would be like it is. He thought he was doing better but then it's slowly dawned on him that that was just an initial reaction of everyone else telling him things. He is stony broke and may have to declare himself bankrupt. He asked if I could store his car if he does. I am very mindful that he could be 'fishing' I just wish it wasn't like this.
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Old 29th September 2010, 03:16 PM   #139
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

Did he show up? How did it go? I think you're absolutely right, you've got every reason to be very, very wary, What's that old phrase, once bitten...?

I'm slowly coming to a similar view as you; it's soo hard initially to wrap your head around the fact that man in your life is not who, or how, you thought he was. And I find myself asking; if I knew he could be like this, and was capable of doing that, and could say the other when I first met him, would I have gone out with him then? (I know, hindsight is a wonderful thing!) The whole thing has helped me work out what I want out of life and a life partner, and I seriously doubt now that he can give it to me (even if he wanted to).

I completely understand about feeling sorry for him, but I've been told enough times that it's his mind, his state of mind, and he's got to own it and do something about it. We really can't help them, much as we'd like to. There are ways he can address his insecurity, not just medicinal - Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, therapy, and much of it is available on the NHS if he pushed for it. But he's got to do the pushing.

Yeah, that's a common theme - 'I'll feel so much better and my life will be wonderful if I just get rid of the partner'. Ooops! Please don't fall for the sob stories. He's put himself where he is, not you - you've tried everything to avoid this. I think you're right about the car; it sounds like it might be his way of keeping his hooks in you somehow. Please be careful.

I think you're doing amazingly well, and I'm so glad to hear you're thinking about your wants and needs now

Ax
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Old 20th October 2010, 10:23 PM   #140
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hello everyone.

I know it's been a while and I guess that we are all healing as we don't post so often. I am better than I was since I moved up here. I've still not moved in 100% as my bed and my clothes are still here at my parents. Everything is ready to move in and although I have been so ludicrously busy beyond anything I could have thought, I think there is a part of me that is putting it off because I know I will be truly on my own. I do know it is necessary and I know this will be difficult but I do want to do it when I have a reasonably clear run at managing myself. That will be November as I don't have so much work on. black

I have healed in some ways but feel I have worsened in many others. I am so upset still because I have tried to let go but can't seem able to. I have been having some counselling but it hasn't been about what I thought and so I feel like I haven't got off the starting block with regards to dealing with the pain of love for him. I feel very lonely and so sad. I think I tried to get stronger by pushing those feelings away, by trying to convince myself that those feelings weren't relevant anymore, however all that has done is move them to the back of the cupboard but in my heart but they are still there.

How can I make that final step? How do I stop loving a man who has treated me so wretchedly? How can I possibly love and yearn to still be with him? I am cross with myself for these feelings and then it just distresses me so much that I am inconsolable with pain.

He has made all sorts of up and down, black and white behaviours. He has told me how he has been having counselling and the only person who knows his deep and true feelings is the counsellor and me. That he dare not tell any of his friends and family for fear of their reaction. That he wants to cut all ties with his family because he now knows that that is the only way. That he plans to do this in the new year and once he has burned his bridges he knows there is no going back because they will never understand because they are incapable. Then gets irritated and behaves oddly and like the mean and selfish man I have witnessed this summer. So I do not believe him. It's like I want to but actually I DON'T want to but I feel helpless. The feelings of wanting him back are too great. How can I let go? I cannot seem able to? It is also very difficult as his depression seems to have deepened to a much more darker and desolate place that even I don't think I can see.

I feel so very sad. I am tired and feel like my hurt and distress has buried itself deep within my heart and it is heavy. I will not ever be free from this until I can walk away. I just can't. Maybe I am trying too hard and that I should be grateful for all that I have managed so far.
I am that.
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Old 21st October 2010, 02:41 AM   #141
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Re: I want to understand

I honestly think that you need to cut all ties with him.No contact whatsoever, whether by text, e-mail, phone or in person. As long as you have contact and know what he is and isnt doing/saying then of course the healing wound will keep on opening up again.Why are you still in contact? It will stop you from moving forward. A complete break from him is what you need now. You dont stop loving a person just because they have hurt you, but once you cut off all ties, slowly your love will fade and eventually it will go.I am sure that you will always care about him, but the intense feelings will pass.
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Old 21st October 2010, 07:02 PM   #142
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

Living alone - I've been living by myself in my first flat for a couple of months now and I have to admit I don't much like it. The flat I'm going to be living in once I've sold this place is a two bed, so I can rent a room out which will be better, I think. But in your case your parents aren't far away, which will help? And maybe friends can come and stay at the weekends?

Your're grieving the loss of the man you thought he was, it sounds to me. That's normal and natural; it's ok to feel the pain, it's ok to feel lost and sad and empty - we've all been there. I'm trying to re-train my brain to not think of him/it, but to focus on the future. It's not easy, but the longer I've not had contact with him for, the easier it gets. I'm looking forward to the day when he's a faint memory.

It was one word that made the break for me. I asked him 'Have you wanted me back once in the last 8 months?' and he said 'no'. At that, I finally realised that depsite all his 'I don't know' and 'I'm not sure' this split is what he wanted. And that then gave me the freedom to start doing what was good for me - and not contacting him was part of that.

I realised that every time I talked to him, I got hurt. Simple as that. When I stopped talking to him, I stoppped being hurt. Yes, the pain of the split is still there, but it isn't ripped open afresh every time I saw him with another nasty comment.

I know you don't want to walk away from him when you see him so down. Oh, believe me, I KNOW that!! But he's got to want to fix himself. You can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. He now knows he can make promises, and that's enough to keep you hanging on. Where's the follow-through? What's he actually done about the state he's in? From what you've said, I feel you need to see something more concrete from him than you're getting now, to believe in him.

You will reach your tipping point in your own time, naturally. I think it's a gradual thing, and being good to yourself it part of it - as you treat yourself well, you begin to realise that how they have treated you is not good. And you start to build the strength to say 'No; I'm not taking that any more. I'm worth more than that'. Are you using Susan Elliott's book? There's a good website that goes with the book you might find useful: http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com

Huge hugs

Axx
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Old 8th November 2010, 09:40 AM   #143
pmsc69
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Re: I want to understand

Hi so alone. I'm a male and had the exact same reaction from my wife except that she didn't give me any explanations or reasons though I tried asking her. Instead I asked if there was someone else and she said no. When checked her mobile online account I found that she had wrang different numbers all day during work, even g and overnight. I wrang the number that she called before during and after she broke the news to me and it was a guy. I asked about him and she went silent. Denied everything and then turned-on me as if it were all my fault.

I am really sorry to hear what u are going through and I know the pain u are going through. Its like a knife in your chest and your partner keeps tirni g the blade. The good news us that he speaks to you and u have some understanding unlike myself who still doesn't know why or understand.

I wish u luck with this and hope it all works out
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Old 28th July 2011, 08:14 AM   #144
somewhereaplaceforus
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Re: I want to understand

Hi, So Alone.

I read your entire story tonight. It pulled at my heart. A lot of it made sense to me- so many things. And the way you described your pain matches my current pain.

So... It's been 8 months since your last post. How are you doing now?
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