I need to put the past behind me--Need advice

This is my second marraige. My first marraige was a real disaster.

I was married to my first husband for 16 years and there were a lot of problems with both of us having affairs and fighting all the time. There were a lot of separations and reconciliations. We had 3 children together, so mostly I stayed with him because of them.

At one point about 10 years into our marraige he left me for another woman. I guess you can say he just slinked off with her, since he didnt have the guts to tell me he was leaving. He just called one day to say he would be home in about 15 minutes and never showed up. 2 weeks later I found out where he was and that he actually left me and the kids for someone else.

Needless to say, I was devastated, considering at that time we were getting along fine and I didnt even know anything was wrong between us.

Then starts the battle between us. Him going back and forth between the two of us. Me thinking everytime he came back to me that it was over between him and the OW and than him going back to her.

It went on for almost a year before I finally decided to end this thing and left him for what I thought would be for good.

I filed for a divorce and thought that would end that. But it didnt. He talked me into going back with him again and I thought it would finally work out between us, then I find out that he had taken the OW to Las Vegas and married her. Can you imagine? While he is still married to me. I had canceled the divorce because I thought we were going to make it work. Then I find out about this.

He finally convinces me that it is over with the OW and we moved away to another state and I thought that was the end of it. But I found out later that he continued to stay in contact with her for quite a while.

While we lived in this other state he had several more affairs and I finally had my nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for a little while.

It took me 5 more years before I finally had had enough with him and left him for good.

My problem now is that I'm having a hard time getting over what he did to me. I've brought all those old memories into this marraige and am always suspicious of my new husband. Always worried that he might be having an affair. Sometimes he acts like my first husband and the signs are sometimes there. I've also accused him of having an affair when I saw him flirting with one of our neighbors. He wasnt a christian at the time so I guess he didnt know better. But the memory of it lingers and in my mind I wonder about him.

This battle has been going on with us since our first year of marraige and I know that if I dont get a grip on it that I'm going to lose him just because I am always so suspicious.

We've talked about it and prayed about it and are trying to work through it, but I'm wondering if it ever goes away.

I'm desperate for some advice on this. Do I need some counceling or are there any books that might be helpful?

I've read several of your articles on trust. But it seems like it's not helping me.

I'm so frustrated and my husband is about at the end of his rope with this battle.

Thanks for listening. I would appreciate any kind of "uplifting" advice.

Deb

This is curious to me Deb becasue five years is a long time and throughout this time you should have found what you want in life and put the past behind. It is said that women usually pick similarities in men that attract us to them and sometimes these are our worst enemies. Could it be that there are some things about his personality that are more liberal thatn you would be, but those are the same things that attracted you to him most? If you had valid reason to accuse him of being unfaithful than there is not much working out to do, but if it is a simple conversation with another woman that makes you feel uneasy than you do need help. However reading books, and counseling are just steps. You have to make a difference in your attitude. Be careful of how you accuse. Question or comment, ex: you know, I felt a little uneasy when you _____with the neighbor. Express yourself. Don't argue suspicions, gather facts. If you feel like this than you are more than likely not making him feel good either. I know I may have people against me on this one, but if Love is real Love will wait. Take time, if it is that seriously infering with your relationship. Sometimes we need to take a step back in order to take a step forward. Be willing to acknowledge your problem and understand that misery does not love company. Don't dissolution your man with what problems you have and then blame them on him. Really work on those things and do not cusion on the fact that he knows and it's okay to behave that way. I have felt insecure several times in my relationship and my wanting to be happy is what made me tired. If he's going to cheat he will get caught as long as I am attentive becasue I care and not because I am being dominant.